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for Kaitou Kid Brothers

11/13/2015 c5 Guest
please update!
5/20/2013 c5 4Vi-Violence
You really need to fix the grammar in this.
10/17/2010 c5 Fadey
This story is really nice but there are some punctuation errors.
2/17/2010 c1 9KSA Key-chan
Hmm, new to writing huh? Welcome to the site I guess.

(Just as a note: this is no flame, this is constructive criticism and I want to help out. Maybe you know that already, or maybe you're getting me wrong from seeing how long the review is and are scared to read the whole thing. It's just (a lot of) advice, so don't panic.)

Having the will to write is a good start, and your spelling is better than I've seen in other fics. Grammar is alright too, but I suggest you watch your punctuation: put the "?"s after a question and "!"s where they go, avoid making sentences that are three lines long unless you put ","s here and there in places that make sense. Also, try adding more description and putting in less dialogue. While a dialogue can tell you what the characters are saying, it will never say enough of what they're actually doing.

Also, rather than always using "said", "answered", "asked", you should try and use all sorts of words, like "grumbled", "groaned", "sighed", "snarled", "squeaked", "whispered", "replied", "wondered", all depending on how the character says it. Varying your choice of words when writing can make an enormous difference.

You could also try and make the chapters longer. Let's face it: three hundred words is about as big as a short drabble and doesn't look much like a chapter- that's no real big deal, but most people like it when the chapters are about one thousand words at least. The length isn't that important, as I said two seconds ago, but it brings up the next point: to make the chapter longer, you could try and answer obvious unspoken questions, like "How come Shinichi and Kaito are brothers?", "Where was Shinichi this whole time?", "Why did he transfer to his new school now and not earlier?". It is strongly advised to answer obvious questions with not-so-obvious answers, unless you're trying to make it a mystery on purpose. Trying to be mysterious is good too, but you can't expect everything to be hidden or else the story will make no sense.

And to finish, don't mix Japanese and English names. It's either Shinichi and Ran, or Jimmy and Rachel, not Shinichi and Rachel. Most people prefer the Japanese names, but if you don't know all the Japanese names or don't feel comfortable using those, go ahead and stick to the English names. Nobody is going to kill you for that XD

Either way, I do hope you keep writing- it's the only way to constantly improve. We've all been through this step at some point lest you be a progidy, so don't worry about not being a high-class writer right off the bat. Still, you have my encouragments ;)

(PS: "Kaito" and "Kaitou" are two differents names. "Kaito" is an official first name in Japan while "Kaitou" means "phantom thief", alias why his night persona is called "Kaitou KID". Yeah, I did that mistake too when I started.)

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