for The Clone and Expirement7/17/2010 c6 
7mikirox1
Will Nadeshiko actually agree to Micco's little offer?
Great story, by the way.
The actual flock isn't going to come into the story at all, will they?
7mikirox1Will Nadeshiko actually agree to Micco's little offer?
Great story, by the way.
The actual flock isn't going to come into the story at all, will they?
4/13/2010 c6 14Bookworm290
lol, this story's awesome. i can't picture a fox-nagi though...anyways, you're so lucky! i just finished the second book. im borrowing them from a friend, and, unfortunatley, im a much faster reader than he is...man this sucks...I NEED MORE MAXIMUM RIDE! :D i 3 fnick so much...tehe, fnick...iggy's so funny...
14Bookworm290lol, this story's awesome. i can't picture a fox-nagi though...anyways, you're so lucky! i just finished the second book. im borrowing them from a friend, and, unfortunatley, im a much faster reader than he is...man this sucks...I NEED MORE MAXIMUM RIDE! :D i 3 fnick so much...tehe, fnick...iggy's so funny...
3/11/2010 c5 6Kichi-Baka
You used my idea -giggles- Yay! I think he would be mostly like a fox because he's agile and he's good at lying =w= so yeah hehe.
Poor Nagi... Even though i wuv foxes and Nagi =w= Together they equal mega love !^w^
Awesome chappy =)
Peace out!
~Fate-Chan (Hit her head and hurts real bad)
6Kichi-BakaYou used my idea -giggles- Yay! I think he would be mostly like a fox because he's agile and he's good at lying =w= so yeah hehe.
Poor Nagi... Even though i wuv foxes and Nagi =w= Together they equal mega love !^w^
Awesome chappy =)
Peace out!
~Fate-Chan (Hit her head and hurts real bad)
3/7/2010 c4 Kichi-Baka
hm i wonder... what he should be... i have no cle unless you wanna have him turning into like a fox kid or something xD that would be cool ^o^
hm i wonder... what he should be... i have no cle unless you wanna have him turning into like a fox kid or something xD that would be cool ^o^
2/24/2010 c2 Kichi-Baka
-Squeals- These are my two favorite things ever combined! -sqeuals again-
Update soon! Yay!
-Squeals- These are my two favorite things ever combined! -sqeuals again-
Update soon! Yay!
2/21/2010 c1 2arcadiac
This is going to be super long, bear with me.
I really like the plot. In fact, I ADORE it. It's original, and it really has a lot of potential to be a great story! But it wouldn't hurt to be a little bit more detailed with your story.
For one thing, the scene where Nagihiko is captured was a little too quick and vague. To catch him, all they had to do was chase him. It was way too easy. You also can't outrule the possibility that Nagi would probably be able to outrun him if he Character Changed. (But Rhythm didn't seem to be around.)
Also, if there was a longer chase scene, we would be able to observe the setting a little better. A little trick to make it seem longer is to put extra details into the area surrounding Nagi. Talk about how the sky was darkening and how the trees seemed to sway menacingly and how the streets were unnaturally empty and whatever. Talk about how the cold air flew past him as he ran. And here:
“We are here to take you,” One said, making it sound like a warning. For some reason, they reminded Nagihiko of wolves, cornering some prey. Only he was the prey. Nagihiko sighed and looked at them with an oh-please expression.
Not that I'm trying to be some know-it-all or something, but there could be a better way to write this. For one thing, after someone says a quote, and it's followed by a "he/she said", the he/she isn't capitalized. Next, you put "making it sound like a warning". Instead of that, you could say, "We are here to take you," one said, threateningly. It provides the same feel, but readers don't have to read all those words.
And this: "For some reason, they reminded Nagihiko of wolves, cornering some prey. Only he was the prey. Nagihiko sighed and looked at them with an oh-please expression."
After you mentioned that they reminded Nagi of wolves, cornering some prey, it wasn't neccesary to mention that HE was the prey. We'll figure out that much ourselves.
Then, "Nagihiko sighed and looked at them with an oh-please expression". Instead of this, you can say, "Nagihiko sighed and looked at them doubtfully. It's a little OOC, because Nagihiko seems a little overconfident. Overconfidence is easy to write, so it should be avoided. Nagi's the type of person who would be concerned and cautious if these shady characters appeared to try to take him 'back' to a place he doesn't want to go.
The meeting between Nadeshiko and Nagi was a way too simple. And simplicity is BAD, BAD, BAD! As far as I'm concerned, Nagi passed out, and when he woke up, he was cloned. This is a ha-uge gap. It shouldn't be so easy to clone a person without difficulties, but he Nadeshiko was, sitting there and talking to him like she'd always existed. As if she was OKAY with the fact that she was engineered from Nagi's DNA and going to school in his place. (BTW, is there a REASON for this?)
Nadeshiko is OOC. You don't have to change her if you don't want to, but Nadeshiko isn't a tomboy at all. I know in the series they were the same person, but they still have two different personalities, Nagi said so himself. The only time Nagi acts like a boy is when he's Nagihiko. When he's Nadeshiko, he's strictly feminine. What I'm saying is: Nagihiko would play basketball, Nadeshiko would likely not.
Another problem with the personalities is that the both of them just seem so cocky. I don't want to be mean or rude, but people read fanfics to see their characters put into different situations and how they could react.
If I want to read a fic about Amu, I would want Amu to act like Amu. I would want Tadase to act like Tadase, and I don't want Ikuto to suddenly start hugging teddy bears and doing the macarena! The same with Nagi and Nadeshiko; the reason why Nagi is my favorite character is because he's so considerate and kind. He's characteristically symphathetic and mild.
Good Lord, did I just type all of THAT? Please forgive me, but the thing is, you ARE talented, and I saw that talent, so I want it to show through in your writing. You already have an excellent plot. I commend you for it. The reason why I wrote this lengthy review is to help you do better, not to discourage you. In fact, I really want you to continue.
You could write this story all the way to the end and revamp it when you feel it's time. But remember my review to help you do better, all right?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
2arcadiacThis is going to be super long, bear with me.
I really like the plot. In fact, I ADORE it. It's original, and it really has a lot of potential to be a great story! But it wouldn't hurt to be a little bit more detailed with your story.
For one thing, the scene where Nagihiko is captured was a little too quick and vague. To catch him, all they had to do was chase him. It was way too easy. You also can't outrule the possibility that Nagi would probably be able to outrun him if he Character Changed. (But Rhythm didn't seem to be around.)
Also, if there was a longer chase scene, we would be able to observe the setting a little better. A little trick to make it seem longer is to put extra details into the area surrounding Nagi. Talk about how the sky was darkening and how the trees seemed to sway menacingly and how the streets were unnaturally empty and whatever. Talk about how the cold air flew past him as he ran. And here:
“We are here to take you,” One said, making it sound like a warning. For some reason, they reminded Nagihiko of wolves, cornering some prey. Only he was the prey. Nagihiko sighed and looked at them with an oh-please expression.
Not that I'm trying to be some know-it-all or something, but there could be a better way to write this. For one thing, after someone says a quote, and it's followed by a "he/she said", the he/she isn't capitalized. Next, you put "making it sound like a warning". Instead of that, you could say, "We are here to take you," one said, threateningly. It provides the same feel, but readers don't have to read all those words.
And this: "For some reason, they reminded Nagihiko of wolves, cornering some prey. Only he was the prey. Nagihiko sighed and looked at them with an oh-please expression."
After you mentioned that they reminded Nagi of wolves, cornering some prey, it wasn't neccesary to mention that HE was the prey. We'll figure out that much ourselves.
Then, "Nagihiko sighed and looked at them with an oh-please expression". Instead of this, you can say, "Nagihiko sighed and looked at them doubtfully. It's a little OOC, because Nagihiko seems a little overconfident. Overconfidence is easy to write, so it should be avoided. Nagi's the type of person who would be concerned and cautious if these shady characters appeared to try to take him 'back' to a place he doesn't want to go.
The meeting between Nadeshiko and Nagi was a way too simple. And simplicity is BAD, BAD, BAD! As far as I'm concerned, Nagi passed out, and when he woke up, he was cloned. This is a ha-uge gap. It shouldn't be so easy to clone a person without difficulties, but he Nadeshiko was, sitting there and talking to him like she'd always existed. As if she was OKAY with the fact that she was engineered from Nagi's DNA and going to school in his place. (BTW, is there a REASON for this?)
Nadeshiko is OOC. You don't have to change her if you don't want to, but Nadeshiko isn't a tomboy at all. I know in the series they were the same person, but they still have two different personalities, Nagi said so himself. The only time Nagi acts like a boy is when he's Nagihiko. When he's Nadeshiko, he's strictly feminine. What I'm saying is: Nagihiko would play basketball, Nadeshiko would likely not.
Another problem with the personalities is that the both of them just seem so cocky. I don't want to be mean or rude, but people read fanfics to see their characters put into different situations and how they could react.
If I want to read a fic about Amu, I would want Amu to act like Amu. I would want Tadase to act like Tadase, and I don't want Ikuto to suddenly start hugging teddy bears and doing the macarena! The same with Nagi and Nadeshiko; the reason why Nagi is my favorite character is because he's so considerate and kind. He's characteristically symphathetic and mild.
Good Lord, did I just type all of THAT? Please forgive me, but the thing is, you ARE talented, and I saw that talent, so I want it to show through in your writing. You already have an excellent plot. I commend you for it. The reason why I wrote this lengthy review is to help you do better, not to discourage you. In fact, I really want you to continue.
You could write this story all the way to the end and revamp it when you feel it's time. But remember my review to help you do better, all right?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.