for Spying on Kanji1/2/2014 c1 
27Shadow-DJ
Surprised you didn't make another chapter of this yet. I wanted to see what he did to them XD and what happened with Naoto after wards.
27Shadow-DJSurprised you didn't make another chapter of this yet. I wanted to see what he did to them XD and what happened with Naoto after wards.
8/19/2010 c1 26Girly 411
Ooh… it’s like the stakeout all over again. Heheh… This was a very good idea and I understand this was your first fic, but when I was reading through this, I got lost easily I have a few suggestions you may want to consider.
Note: this is strictly writer to writer advice. It’s not a flame. I don’t give flames. I give advice. So, please, don’t feel bad.
One of the main things was that you hardly have any stops in your paragraphs. And the quotes – when people speak – blended in together. If you get a beta for this story to help you fix grammar and punctuation, you’ll be good to go and your story would be much better. I’ll gladly offer my assistance and be your beta, if you like. Only if you want me to be your beta, though… If you want one, in the first place. Warning: I’m a grammar natzi!
~~Several things you should do to make the speaking parts easier to follow:~~
~ Whenever you have someone speaking, always ‘Enter’ and write the quote on a separate line along with the sentence used to explain who’s speaking.
~ Ex: Instead of saying ‘‘ Yukiko smiles towards them as she chuckles a bit,Chie sweats drop and looks at her"Ugh...here we go again"Yukiko said nothing before she burst out laughing and pats the table rapidly,everyone sweats drop and looks at her"..." ’’
you should format it as such:
‘‘ Yukiko smiles towards them as she chuckles a bit.
Chie sweats drop and looks at her. "Ugh...here we go again"
Yukiko said nothing before she burst out laughing and pats the table rapidly. Everyone sweats drop and looks at her.
"..." ’’
Although, I would have said ‘Yukiko smiles AT them’ rather than ‘TOWARDS them’. And I probably would have said ‘Chie sweat dropS’ rather than ‘sweatS drop’.
Note: capitals are there to show you what the differences are in each example. It isn’t screaming and it isn’t a rude mannerism. Just to make it clear. Normally, I would just highlight any changes and suggestions, but I can’t do that in reviews. XD
Alrighty, then… I’m pretty sure that’s everything. Besides your grammar being in need of some attention – what writer hasn’t needed grammatical attention at one point or another – I’d say your story was very well thought out. XD Several proof reads should be in order before you make anymore posts and acquiring a beta would be advisable – I’m always available to assist. Keep up the writing, keep practicing, and most especially all writers should keep learning as much as they can. XD I know this comment was quite long, but hopefully I’ve been of some help! A for effort!
26Girly 411Ooh… it’s like the stakeout all over again. Heheh… This was a very good idea and I understand this was your first fic, but when I was reading through this, I got lost easily I have a few suggestions you may want to consider.
Note: this is strictly writer to writer advice. It’s not a flame. I don’t give flames. I give advice. So, please, don’t feel bad.
One of the main things was that you hardly have any stops in your paragraphs. And the quotes – when people speak – blended in together. If you get a beta for this story to help you fix grammar and punctuation, you’ll be good to go and your story would be much better. I’ll gladly offer my assistance and be your beta, if you like. Only if you want me to be your beta, though… If you want one, in the first place. Warning: I’m a grammar natzi!
~~Several things you should do to make the speaking parts easier to follow:~~
~ Whenever you have someone speaking, always ‘Enter’ and write the quote on a separate line along with the sentence used to explain who’s speaking.
~ Ex: Instead of saying ‘‘ Yukiko smiles towards them as she chuckles a bit,Chie sweats drop and looks at her"Ugh...here we go again"Yukiko said nothing before she burst out laughing and pats the table rapidly,everyone sweats drop and looks at her"..." ’’
you should format it as such:
‘‘ Yukiko smiles towards them as she chuckles a bit.
Chie sweats drop and looks at her. "Ugh...here we go again"
Yukiko said nothing before she burst out laughing and pats the table rapidly. Everyone sweats drop and looks at her.
"..." ’’
Although, I would have said ‘Yukiko smiles AT them’ rather than ‘TOWARDS them’. And I probably would have said ‘Chie sweat dropS’ rather than ‘sweatS drop’.
Note: capitals are there to show you what the differences are in each example. It isn’t screaming and it isn’t a rude mannerism. Just to make it clear. Normally, I would just highlight any changes and suggestions, but I can’t do that in reviews. XD
Alrighty, then… I’m pretty sure that’s everything. Besides your grammar being in need of some attention – what writer hasn’t needed grammatical attention at one point or another – I’d say your story was very well thought out. XD Several proof reads should be in order before you make anymore posts and acquiring a beta would be advisable – I’m always available to assist. Keep up the writing, keep practicing, and most especially all writers should keep learning as much as they can. XD I know this comment was quite long, but hopefully I’ve been of some help! A for effort!
3/2/2010 c1 Patcheresu
Try this:
STICK TO A LANGUAGE.
Do this:
"Ohayou, Tatsumi-san!" replied Naoto. She was blushing from the looks of it. "How was your day?"
"Just fine."
THIRDLY, THIS IS HUMOR. I a not amused by friendship, nor drama. Good concept though.
Try this:
STICK TO A LANGUAGE.
Do this:
"Ohayou, Tatsumi-san!" replied Naoto. She was blushing from the looks of it. "How was your day?"
"Just fine."
THIRDLY, THIS IS HUMOR. I a not amused by friendship, nor drama. Good concept though.
2/23/2010 c1 14BonusParts
This is pretty cute!
I read from your bio that you're working on your English and grammar, and I think it's great that you're using some creative writing fiction to do so! :D
One thing that will help is if you remember to start a new paragraph whenever you start a new idea, or whenever someone new starts talking. For example, your first section would look like this:
-
Sounds of birds chirping... [You can use this description to build mood]
As usual, Naoto is wearing a boy's school uniform, while Kanji is just leaving his home. He looks toward Naoto with a slight blush before he walks toward her. "Ah, hey, Naoto..."
Naoto blinks and nods before smiling. "Ohayo, Kanji-kun."
"S-so...how have you been today?"
-
The breaks make it easier to read, and make it easier to know who's talking when. I also changed a few of the verb tenses so that they agree, since what you've written here is all in the present, active tense.
I know that these sound like critiques, but they will help you a lot in the long run if you continue writing. It really just takes practice. You've got some very cute and funny ideas, and it would be great to keep working on them, as well as on the craft of your writing.
Hopefully, you'll come to enjoy writing stories as much as many of us enjoy reading them!
Good luck! :D
14BonusPartsThis is pretty cute!
I read from your bio that you're working on your English and grammar, and I think it's great that you're using some creative writing fiction to do so! :D
One thing that will help is if you remember to start a new paragraph whenever you start a new idea, or whenever someone new starts talking. For example, your first section would look like this:
-
Sounds of birds chirping... [You can use this description to build mood]
As usual, Naoto is wearing a boy's school uniform, while Kanji is just leaving his home. He looks toward Naoto with a slight blush before he walks toward her. "Ah, hey, Naoto..."
Naoto blinks and nods before smiling. "Ohayo, Kanji-kun."
"S-so...how have you been today?"
-
The breaks make it easier to read, and make it easier to know who's talking when. I also changed a few of the verb tenses so that they agree, since what you've written here is all in the present, active tense.
I know that these sound like critiques, but they will help you a lot in the long run if you continue writing. It really just takes practice. You've got some very cute and funny ideas, and it would be great to keep working on them, as well as on the craft of your writing.
Hopefully, you'll come to enjoy writing stories as much as many of us enjoy reading them!
Good luck! :D