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for Midnights End

11/17/2010 c1 dancelikeme1
I think your story, so far is great. I can't wait to hear the rest.
3/15/2010 c1 3Scabbers1957
Hello.

I think you have a base for a good story.

That said, I think you might want to re-post it with some changes.

You use the word "I" too much ie: (I'll copy/paste sentences from your story and show you some of the changes that could be made if you so desired.)

"I-I'm looking for a house. I just moved here."I said, nervously. You could say: I just moved into town and am looking for a place to rent.

"Ooh! I love this home!" I said. "May I take it?"

You could rewrite like this: Ooh this is a nice place, is it still available?

And this paragraph:

Yep. Maria Lopez. She's a real man hooker, so don't be surprised if there's arguing and sex and all that going on while you're asleep." Gretchen explained. "Man Hooker"

you might write it as "she's a hooker who brings her johns/clients home so you might hear the usual sounds associated with her occupation.

Another paragraph you might want to rewrite:

I called a cab outside Bloomfield's Reality to go to my apartment. In no time, the cab arrived. I jumped in and the cab drove later, I arrived at the apartment, in the bright moonlight. I thought it was very nice looking home, as any other home on Mason Street. Right when I was about to get my bags from the trunk, I heard some noise coming from inside. "I wonder what it is…" I thought to myself as I grabbed my bags and walked inside...

Again too many "I"

You could rewrite it as: When I left the Realters office, I called a cab. When it arrived, I gave the driver the address on Mason st. (use whatever address you want) then sat back watched the scenery. (just an example) When we arrived at (1234 Mason st) I noted that was a very nice looking place, but as my luggage was being off loaded, I heard some noises coming from inside the residence.

You should give a time frame on how long it took to go from the Reality office to the house. as you have you character arriving sometime in the evening.

You might also want to give your character a name etc..still don't know if it is a man or woman.

Anyway I hope that I was of some help to you.

Take care & have a great day.

:)

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