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for A Prince's Duty

3/23/2010 c3 firemaster101
love the chapter

an the wat herb laughed
3/23/2010 c3 1Franzibald
Ah, good to see that this has updated. Overall, it was a pretty nice chapter. Granted, like you said, it for the most part follows quite a bit of its’ manga counterpart’s plot, I suppose though that that should be expected when you’re doing a retelling though, right? =P. Still, it’s good to have it diverge a bit, I can’t wait to see what happens from here on out.

Now, you seem to want some brutal critiques, and I suppose I’ll do my best to provide that. You said that you didn’t feel too good about the editing for this chapter, and truth be told the errors were a tad bit noticeable, but that may have simply been because you warned me before hand in the author’s note, and I was just on the lookout.

Anyway, there were some minor spelling issues, such as writing “must prince” instead of “musk”, a simple mistake, it wouldn’t have shown up on a spell checker, but besides that though, there were also a few tiny problems with the descriptive narrative that made reading certain parts a bit of a bumpy ride. Take for instance, putting “disorientated” just a few words away from “orientated”, it kind of breaks the rhythm of the whole line. Another thing was that I sort of felt you overused the phrase “the boy” too much when describing Ranma from Herb’s perspective. I know that Herb hadn’t yet learned Ranma’s name, but using expressions such as “pigtailed one”, “martial artist” (when being directly referred to) or even just simpler synonyms such as “teenager” or “person” would smooth out the whole way that part of the narrative would read. Granted though you don’t want to over diversify the whole thing to the point of where it becomes flowery, a balance should be met.

As for the action bits, they seemed fine to me, though the thing is, I am far from the biggest expert on that subject matter, but I didn’t really see anything that was directly illogical, (by Ranma standards anyway) and it certainly got its point across, as well as brought the story forward as needed.

When it comes down to it though, I’m really just nitpicking. There’s nothing plot wise that I can really complain about, and I’m still quite interested in this story. You seem to be worrying about the editing though, if that is a bit of an issue for you, then may I suggest that you get a beta, or pre-reader? If you already have one, that’s good, but from the way you seem to be describing things you’re doing it solo, and there is nothing wrong with that mind you, but as the old saying goes, “Two heads are better than one”, it would allow you to focus more on aspects of the plot first and foremost, and make it so you wouldn’t really have to worry too much about the tiny errors I pointed out in this chapter. Anyway, just food for thought, hope to see more soon.

Oh, one last thing before I go, I just want to say that I got a bit of a chuckle out of the way Herb described the way Ranma talked about Akane.
3/22/2010 c3 7Riniko22
I enjoyed the chapter, the meeting between Herb and Ranma turned out very differently that in canon. I can see it changing quite a bit different at this point as Herb mood has changed greatly by finding out that Ranma has the same curse. The fight scenes worked out better than you may have thought. I am looking forward to the discussion that will be happening in the next chapter. I am sure Ranma could still make use of the book that Herb has been reading and could also pass along some information to Herb also.
3/22/2010 c2 7DWM
Interesting and I'm curious. Keep writing.
3/20/2010 c2 Hat O' Doom
This looks like its going to be a really cool stroy. Good work!
3/19/2010 c2 1Franzibald
I've been meaning for a while now to read this story. I've just been too busy to get a chance, though now that I’ve read it I’m glad I spared the time.

First off, I'd like to compliment you for the fact that you are actually writing a story that revolves around Herb, too few people just seem to completely disregard that character. Off the top of my head I can actually only think of a single story that focuses on the musk prince. So it's cool to have someone write about him/her.

As for the content in the story, I like it. You're really giving some good introspection on the characters emotions and motives. I personally like how you're writing Herb's reaction to modern society, the whole joke about the television was pretty amusing. Its details like that that many authors tend to glance over.

Going further into what I just previously mentioned, the humor in chapter 2 was pretty well done. For the most part a bit more dry than Takahashi's style, but there's nothing inherently wrong with that.

The one thing though that is somewhat turning me off from this story is that fact that, by looking at your profile and reading the details you give there, you're planning on having this be a simple retelling of the Herb arc from the perspective of the title character. While that's all well and good, and an interesting premise on its own, I wouldn't mind if at some point you diverge, or continue on with the plot after the events of the arc are done. One of the beauties of fanfiction is that it allows you to expand past the limits the original author set, and lets for new and different events to happen.

Still, I'm quite interested with this story, as a whole it's quite good. I'm surprised that you haven't gotten more reviews. In any case though, I'll be on the lookout for new chapters. Good luck and I hope you update soon!
3/16/2010 c2 3Hiryo
Very interesting. Another chance about female HerbXRanma ;)

Look forward what this story brings out in the future
3/16/2010 c2 7Riniko22
I enjoyed the chapter, and was amused by the way Herb reacted to the various misunderstood comments heard from Lime and Mint. I felt a little sorry for them about the doctor as they were truly trying to help. Hope Herb did not punish them too greatly. Looking forward to more when you are ready to post again.
3/13/2010 c1 Atamusk517
I'm liking this start of this story. Herb is probably my favorite character and there are very few stories that involve him, let alone have him as the main character. I'll be interested to see how the rest of this comes together once the Musk get to Japan and encounter Ranma and the rest of the gang.
3/12/2010 c1 5CrypticMirror
It's a nice start, there just aren't enough Herb stories out there.
3/12/2010 c1 7Riniko22
I like it so far and am looking forward to more. This Herb is more reasoned than the cannon, that should have more impact on how he reacts to Cologne and Ranma when they meet. The Guide's description of Ranma is a bit off I think, at most he lost maybe four to six inches of height. Ranma is not that tall to begin with, likely from receiving less food than needed during his childhood from his father stealing his food. Not a smart move If he had lost two heads of height he would have looked like a small child with extremely large breasts on her chest. Other than that it read well.
3/12/2010 c1 Filipino Magician
Nice intro. I can't wait to see where you plan to take this.
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