for House Of Madness2/18/2011 c4 
5KCameh
On chapter 3 (I did not let me review on it so I have to review on it here and it's short anyway):
"Crimes were thought to show in the soul which was believed inside the body, according to the principle of dualism. "
I'm glad someone knows their deal and it's always nice for an author to inject some knowledge into their work.
It might be my failure to grasp but:
"One was very lean and had mousy hair, «all he did not look like an auror», rather like an office worker."
I do not know if that is an appropriate expression and it does not seem to fit into the sentence. Maybe you meant «all in all, he did not look like an auror, he rather resembled more an office worker»?
Again it may be just me.
"The second and third looked quite similar, the both had army cut hair and were broad shoulder"
- I think «broad shouldered» would be more correct.
"His only hope was have another teacher than Snape this time."
Surely you must have only missed it but,
" His only hope was «to» have another..."
"The mixture of angst for his friends' reactions, fear of Voldemort and irrational guilt rendered Harry in a state of agonized pre-panic in «which he in which» he would have loved nothing more than to weep."
Small things like these could be corrected by a beta; sometimes the author just writes continuously, ideas and scenarios pop into their head and he doesn't notice small things like these.
"His train of tormenting thoughts was ruthlessly interrupted by a folder shoved in his face. He instinctively pulled back and reluctantly took hold of the folder. While doing so he became aware of the hand holding the folder and the person which it belonged to.
He briefly glanced at the face of the unknown, bureaucratic looking man before he returned his attention to the folder."
I feel like I've read the word 'folder' too many times. I would suggest your replace it with the appropriate pronouns like 'which, it' or synonyms like 'the case, the file, the binder'.
"For a moment he considered scaring the shit out of them, but he knew that it would not bode well for his health and even worse for his situation."
I grinned while imagining how Harry would scare them.
"The teen could have understood a little reluctance but Thicknesse was feelably nervous."
I do not think feelably is a word. Perhaps you meat to write feebly? or palpably?
""Yeah, we can't let the public know that Harry Potter is in a psychiatric clinic, no can we?,""
«now can we?» maybe?
""As I said, you will registered at St Mungo's as Jackson Hughes." Again as small overlapse: you will «be» registered.
"You find all facts in this folder."" - you «will» find all facts in this folder; perhaps?
"That he will keep quite in favor of me?"" - quiet*
""You's better be glad that you have not been send to Azkaban."
You's ?
""So every time you don't understand someone you call them insane?" asked Tom." I had to visibly smirk at this.
"he asked, his voice sounding a tad to high, betraying his fear."
- too high*
It's very interesting and I like the way you portray Harry, not like a weakling angsty teen like a lot of people tend to do. He is a Gryffindor after all and his childhood did teach him quite a lot about remaining strong.
I will patiently wait for the next chapter.
Would not be bad for you to get a beta that would overview your chapters and make the small changes to polish your fic.
5KCamehOn chapter 3 (I did not let me review on it so I have to review on it here and it's short anyway):
"Crimes were thought to show in the soul which was believed inside the body, according to the principle of dualism. "
I'm glad someone knows their deal and it's always nice for an author to inject some knowledge into their work.
It might be my failure to grasp but:
"One was very lean and had mousy hair, «all he did not look like an auror», rather like an office worker."
I do not know if that is an appropriate expression and it does not seem to fit into the sentence. Maybe you meant «all in all, he did not look like an auror, he rather resembled more an office worker»?
Again it may be just me.
"The second and third looked quite similar, the both had army cut hair and were broad shoulder"
- I think «broad shouldered» would be more correct.
"His only hope was have another teacher than Snape this time."
Surely you must have only missed it but,
" His only hope was «to» have another..."
"The mixture of angst for his friends' reactions, fear of Voldemort and irrational guilt rendered Harry in a state of agonized pre-panic in «which he in which» he would have loved nothing more than to weep."
Small things like these could be corrected by a beta; sometimes the author just writes continuously, ideas and scenarios pop into their head and he doesn't notice small things like these.
"His train of tormenting thoughts was ruthlessly interrupted by a folder shoved in his face. He instinctively pulled back and reluctantly took hold of the folder. While doing so he became aware of the hand holding the folder and the person which it belonged to.
He briefly glanced at the face of the unknown, bureaucratic looking man before he returned his attention to the folder."
I feel like I've read the word 'folder' too many times. I would suggest your replace it with the appropriate pronouns like 'which, it' or synonyms like 'the case, the file, the binder'.
"For a moment he considered scaring the shit out of them, but he knew that it would not bode well for his health and even worse for his situation."
I grinned while imagining how Harry would scare them.
"The teen could have understood a little reluctance but Thicknesse was feelably nervous."
I do not think feelably is a word. Perhaps you meat to write feebly? or palpably?
""Yeah, we can't let the public know that Harry Potter is in a psychiatric clinic, no can we?,""
«now can we?» maybe?
""As I said, you will registered at St Mungo's as Jackson Hughes." Again as small overlapse: you will «be» registered.
"You find all facts in this folder."" - you «will» find all facts in this folder; perhaps?
"That he will keep quite in favor of me?"" - quiet*
""You's better be glad that you have not been send to Azkaban."
You's ?
""So every time you don't understand someone you call them insane?" asked Tom." I had to visibly smirk at this.
"he asked, his voice sounding a tad to high, betraying his fear."
- too high*
It's very interesting and I like the way you portray Harry, not like a weakling angsty teen like a lot of people tend to do. He is a Gryffindor after all and his childhood did teach him quite a lot about remaining strong.
I will patiently wait for the next chapter.
Would not be bad for you to get a beta that would overview your chapters and make the small changes to polish your fic.
2/18/2011 c2 KCameh
"He had no idea where he was, if he was sitting, lying or hovering, he did not even have an idea how he had gotten in this situation – whatever the situation was – or what had caused him his headache."
I did love that segment. It was clear to me how confused he really was. It made me feel confused.
The second chapter grasped my complete interest so I am definitely going to continue reading. Sounds very very promising.
"He had no idea where he was, if he was sitting, lying or hovering, he did not even have an idea how he had gotten in this situation – whatever the situation was – or what had caused him his headache."
I did love that segment. It was clear to me how confused he really was. It made me feel confused.
The second chapter grasped my complete interest so I am definitely going to continue reading. Sounds very very promising.
11/26/2010 c4 8The Blind Apprentice
Hmm interesting, i hope you decide to continue this story. If I can help in any way, don't hesitate to ask
Cheers
TBA
8The Blind ApprenticeHmm interesting, i hope you decide to continue this story. If I can help in any way, don't hesitate to ask
Cheers
TBA
8/9/2010 c4 Fancypants Jackson
I rather like the story so far. Your writing good, though sometimes it seems like you add a few unnecessary words, which makes some sentences longer than they need to be.
Also, you add a comma after a ? mark, like in this quote: "'What's this?,'". You don't need to do that-just end the question in a question mark. So it would be "What's this?" instead of "What's this?,"
I really hope you continue writing this story, it's off to a great start :)
I rather like the story so far. Your writing good, though sometimes it seems like you add a few unnecessary words, which makes some sentences longer than they need to be.
Also, you add a comma after a ? mark, like in this quote: "'What's this?,'". You don't need to do that-just end the question in a question mark. So it would be "What's this?" instead of "What's this?,"
I really hope you continue writing this story, it's off to a great start :)
8/9/2010 c4 8The Death of Beauty
This is so awesome! Lol, when you first put the a/n about the three persona's I was so confused, but actually reading it helps. :)
8The Death of BeautyThis is so awesome! Lol, when you first put the a/n about the three persona's I was so confused, but actually reading it helps. :)