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12/30/2011 c1 13bellastrange51
This was great! I love the descriptions from the past. It really sounds like him too, no exaggeration. Great job again. Merry Chirstmas!
1/9/2011 c1 PieceOfGum
Wow, this was really good! You gave me an excellent insight into Lucius' mind, telling the tale of how he's willing to do anything, *anything*, for his wife and son... So touching.

I really liked this.
4/26/2010 c1 106The Fourth Black Sister
Really good. I noticed you only had this story. I look forward t seeing more of your writing. Good job! :D
4/14/2010 c1 25WeepingAngelXIII
Sorry I didn't look at this earlier *shame*, but still, this was good! I like it a lot. It's well written and clever. You need to write more, m'dear. You're REALLY good at it.
4/11/2010 c1 55Xx starlight-moon xX
Hello Soph!

First up - 508 words? Really? Wow. I just finished mine and it seems much shorter, somehow. Maybe it's a spacing thing . . . *considers*

Anyway, I want to steal your thesaurus. Or your word count. Whichever you can afford to lose . . . .;)

This isn't awful, so don't worry so much! I'll admit I was thrown by the random Dutch though. Am I missing something? Is it to do with the song? (I haven't listened yet, and don't know much Springsteen. He's a little too Americana, I haven't come across much by him to be honest . . . . he isn't in my parents music collection and wasn't the sort of thing I'd hear much on the radio growing up . . . ;D)

Anyhoo, carrying on . . .

I like the little note Lucius makes about how he essentially defines Narcissa, as her husband. It's the sort of faintly sexist but oddly well-intentioned attitude I imagine he WOULD have towards the woman he loves.

I was a little thrown by this line - "I should have been in a permanent state of orgasm when I talked about how fantastic the opportunity would be." It's a very good line, don't get me wrong, but it confused me a little, as the "should" makes it sound like he didn't react that way but believes he should have done in hindsight . .. while the rest of the sentence, and the lines before it, suggest that this was his actual attitude at the time, and that he's looking back on his younger self quite cryptically. If I'm making much sense. It was a hilarious line, but a little unclear to me, I think it was the word "should" that did it.

I also like the rearrangement of Lucius' priorities (long overdue, let's face it!) and his reflection that it all means nothing if he cannot keep them safe. I also liked the reference to him mistakenly believing the Dark Lord was bestowing some sort of honour upon him by moving into his family home, and of course the Bella line! Haha. "Good God, she was vocal in letting me know what she thought of that". Lol. I'll bet she was!

I also liked his decision to "begin to defect" (I think he would word it like that) and thought the "He Who Must Not Be Named" / "The Dark Lord" point was a clever touch, and very appropriate.

So well done! I hope the con-crit was helpful, it's the best I can give. Nice work!
4/10/2010 c1 50lorelai-x-gilmore
For your first story, this was pretty damn good. And a songfic, at that. I generally think songfics are tougher than regular pieces of fiction, but that's just me.

Anyway. I loved how to captured Lucius. I'm not a huge fan of him, but I like him in this story. =] Very well-written. Good job!

You should write more, girlie!
4/10/2010 c1 21Jacalyn Hyde
Springsteen? I approve. Do you love the 80's through your parent's influence? Or your own excellent taste in music? I'm currently obsessed with Blondie and Durran Durran. I blame (or, perhaps, thank) my mother. And this is a GREAT song, very good choice here.

It's a little alarming that Lucius dares to think this way during a DE meeting, but I suppose it does make sense based on the scene itself that he would at least feel such resentment and regret. I like that he thinks of Draco and Narcissa and how he once helped and now hurts them through his place in the Dark Lord's ranks.

You did a great job illustrating just how far he has fallen, material things and reputation (once the most important, perhaps the only factors of his world) are now meaningless in comparison to his family. It makes me think a little of the Weasleys who have so little financially and yet remain relatively safe, connected and optimistic together, it's almost the opposite for Lucius now.

Sophie, I am very proud of you. This was a wonderful fic for your fanfiction debut. It says a lot and is emotionally-involving. (Also, there were very few errors). Well done. I love this, love you. -Lia.
4/9/2010 c1 156Mrs Bella Riddle
Aww poor Lucius I really feel sorry for him. It is nice to see his caring side when he thinks of Cissy and Draco
4/7/2010 c1 300Inkfire
Seriously, Sophie, this is good! Even without a beta, it was really fine. Your writing is good, and it fitted well with the song. You expressed Lucius's thoughts and feelings brilliantly, and the irony of the situation. I loved it!
4/6/2010 c1 12madamedarque
508 words? That's quite good, actually. I'm not mad. ;) I think you're being far too tough on yourself, Sophie-this is not bad at all. The song lyrics work well with the story, and the writing itself is quite nice. You present a favorable view of Lucius, which I appreciate. Overall, good job! I could give you some pointers on things to improve, if you like. Just send me a PM if you want to hear them.
4/6/2010 c1 28xoxLewrahxox
508 words? Eve won’t mind, and neither will I. It is great to see that you have really got stuck in on the challenge and things, and consequently.. This is the first fic that you have posted :)

I really enjoyed reading this as it was very well written.

Lucius is presented brilliantly, and I like how he referred to Voldemort as 'He Who Must Not Be Named." as it did indeed show how much Voldemort had lost Lucius's respect..

I like the rhetorical questions that you use here.. They are great as it really enforces represents how Lucius is feeling, and shows his true feelings.

You have some really nice moments, and this line is a really nice side of Lucius that isn’t portrayed in the books/film/fanfiction very often:

"I don't care if I lose my money, my house, my reputation, my freedom, but I can't lose my wife and son." - A nice representation of what Lucius’s priorities are.

I have a little bit of advice/constructive critism/ comments, but I will send them to you via PM/MSN whatever you prefer?

Your writing is good though Sophie, and I think that sometimes you are a little bit too hard on yourself because in general it is fine, and you have nothing to worry about..

Great work hun x

-adds to faves
4/6/2010 c1 62Victory87
Sorry it's not a constructive critcism but I thinking my little I love it can make you be glad.

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