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for Mount Olympus, home to the Greek Gods

9/19/2012 c1 Lord of Khaos 7 mil
Am I the only one who thought this was a Percy Jackson or Greek god fanfic!
8/14/2010 c1 5Bell 1
Okay. I like this story so far. However, two of your reviewers (DriftingDreamer18 & DD18 x) have a point. You do need to do away with the one line paragraphs. There are so many of your one line paragraphs that can be merged together into one paragraph.

The one line paragraphs make a story difficult to read and tends to lose the interest of your reader(s).

Yes, there are also some spelling and grammar errors that could be adjusted as well, but they are not anything too terrible (I have read MUCH worse).

One suggestion, re-read your chapter as if you are a first time reader rather than the author. This will allow you to fill in any "holes" that may be in the chapter. These "holes" leave the reader trying to figure out what is going on or guessing.

Again, I like this story and look forward to see where it is going. In order to make it more interesting to other readers, you really should think about combining many of your one line paragraphs into one paragraph. No, not one long paragraph, but rather, combine like sentences into one paragraph.

FOR EXAMPLE (from part of Chapter 1):

A few weeks after Alice and I became inseparable, I got to meet her family.

She told me that I was the first outsider to be in their house.

The Cullen family don't easily let people into their world. They've been overtaxt by some people in the past, and therefor they don't trust easily.

So, once you've earned the trust of a Cullen, you better keep it.

SHOULD BE (I also made some spelling adjustments):

A few weeks after Alice and I became inseparable, I got to meet her family. She told me that I was the first outsider to be in their house. The Cullen family do not easily let people into their world. They've been overtaxed by some people in the past, and therefore they don't trust easily. So, once you've earned the trust of a Cullen, you better keep it.
7/20/2010 c1 OnceinaBluemoon22
I like the plot and your ways of defining the characters in this story however your fatal flaw is a very common one - grammar.

Personally I hate the tricky subject and it's always been a huge obstacle with me however it is mostly a matter of double-checking your chapters before you publish them.

For example - "He moved out of La Push reservation with my"

Needs to be - "He moved out of La Push reservation with me,"

Mostly it is just silly little things like that which can be corrected easily. I know how tedious it can be double-checking everything but sometimes it needs to be done.

Hope I've been helpful.

DD18 x
7/18/2010 c3 7bellezza danneggiata
Again try not to write just one line, content is the best thing when it comes to writing.

There are some speeling and grammatical errors, but I only notice cause I'm picky like that.

It's an interesting story line, I don't like it as much as your other story but it is still good.

I think you could gointo a lot more detail just because there's some things where you have to guess what you mean and hope it's right.

Some things could be brought together to make the chapters longer as they fit more together than where you have them in the story line but it's still good.

Great work.
7/18/2010 c2 3converse37
HEY! Remember me? I was looking through my reveiws wen I saw yours. So i clicked yer name and BAM. Here I was. I thought I'd check yer stories out. This one is awesome. I'm reading the other one next. You gotta update, Chica. Like. NOW. I wanna know what happens with Jake!

Peace, Love, T-Pain,

Maddie
5/4/2010 c2 89780975567890
I love it ! AWESOME chapter! Update SOON! I can't wait for Bella to meet Edward!
4/20/2010 c2 1Ms. Kaylea
Update soon!
4/20/2010 c1 5Little Pine
This is really good! Definitely nothing wrong with it!

I'm going to bed now, so I'll read the rest later...and you'd better keep updating this one! :)

Night!

xo
4/18/2010 c2 3twilightluver39
this story is rly good and has great potential! plz update soon! =D
4/9/2010 c1 1Ms. Kaylea
I cant believe Jacob is cheating on Bella! Please update soon! Great start of a book!

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