12/11/2010 c2 Too Much Peacocking 8
Please continue? Sorry I took so long to review.

Gaara/ Hinata :D

5/11/2010 c2 Dragice Ryudo
I'll be honest, it's what I'd want.

I read this the day you posted it, and my first thought was how hard it was to read.

It was very nice to get an update so soon, and it's even nicer to know you wrote through your writers block and were willing to put up something you weren't happy with. That's not something everyone, including myself, can do.

I've read through it for a third time now, and I finally have something to say.

First, it is a little hard to read still, not as hard as the first time, but it could use work.

Part of this I think is because a lot of your descriptions have redundancies in them. Redundancy is an excellent tool for emphasis, but overuse just slows down the read and pulled me a bit from the story.

The next thing is repetition. Most of this played a part in a redundancy, but reading the same words so close together always makes me stop, completely removes me from the story and forces me to read it again to make sure I did correctly the first time.

eg: She couldn't respond clearly because she couldn't breathe. She began to gasp and choke in pain, trying to find room to breathe.

Here's an example where it wasn't redundant. reading the word breath at the end of two consecutive sentences upset the flow a bit for me, and I do realize my overuse of the word 'redundant' does little for my credibility, haha.

Second, I think the timing was a bit off, or I simply couldn't follow it. The scene near the beginning where Gaara is about to crush Hinata in the sand coffin, has already had his moment of hesitation and says 'Die' only to have Ko jump in, have time to notice, and then attack Gaara before he crushes Hinata seems fairly off to me.

My only other issue with timing is using 'Meanwhile' twice in a row. Especially when it's then been hours since the last scene. It's a small contradiction but noticeable.

Third is something I am very guilty of, wordiness.

eg: Gaara continued to walk for several minutes, before turning right again to a veiled path that is so discreet that no one would ever notice it unless the observe it long and hard, which may still be impossible to notice. Nonetheless, he noticed and walked down the newly discovered pathway, removing the bushes, tree branches, and vines out of the way.

This little paragraph has far more words than it needs to convey the visual of an overgrown pathway, or even just a slight clearing in the brush that could be used as a pathway, I couldn't decide.

I have another reason for that example however, these few sentences:

She continued running until she reached a hidden path. Of course Hinata knew there was a secret path there because she was the one that found it. She also noticed that the branches were moved.

Make me just a little more confused about what I'm meant to picture.

Fourth and last are transitions, or more specifically during the dream sequence. At least I think that's what it was.

I understand that she was dreaming, or remembering a time she was chased. Then it actually says she wakes up, and it would seem then that the words of cruelty and spite are resounding in her mind.

The only part that really confused me is the pronouns used during the demonic conversation and attack portion of the dream. It starts with saying she's the perpetrator, and seems to describe her in the reflection, however 'he' is used exclusively throughout.

I supposed the bit of confusion was on purpose and it serves as an excellent bit of suspense, there just seemed to be something off about her knowing it was in fact her, but being male with no thought or confusion.

Now for my pure praise. Took me a while.

This: Was is pity? Pain? Sympathy? No, it was loneliness.

My own personal like of lists as a thought process makes this a good note in my book.

Also it's a very suspenseful chapter, you may have thought it long but it really does set things up nicely and leaves me wanting more.

There were plenty of visuals, some may have taken a second look but they were their describing a rich scenery and giving a compelling backdrop for the actions and even dialog.

I'm honestly looking forward to your continuation. You've set up a wonderful story thus far. It's sad there is such a bias against OOC that you have to justify it at the beginning of your work but you've done it extremely well and it seems very much important to the work itself.

I can't wait for the next installment.

5/3/2010 c2 3xChaosLovex
Okay, I'm not even done reading this chapter, but I wanted to review because it has me so excited! It's so rare to see a story where Hinata doesn't have to hide behind everyone, and not trying to predict your story but her having the curse seal I can't wait to see what will happen. Also Ko in a fanfiction? 3 Just one question though, how did Hinata go from not being able to tell who Gaara was to knowing his name right before she past out? I know I should probably slap myself and reread but did I miss it? Anyway, enjoying your story so far, please keep up the great work. ^-^

ps. Sorry for the long, rambling review lol...

4/11/2010 c1 18TheresaRayne
Most definitely continue! :D I look forward to it! You're doing great!

4/9/2010 c1 SatiricFable
It's a pretty interesting fic so far, but there are a couple things you have to work on.

The tone of the entire thing was a little bit overdramatic, especially some of the dialogue. I get that it's a battle and all, but sometimes it was just a bit much. Tone it down a bit and I think this will end up being a really good fic.

From what I've read, I think the plot is going to be really interesting, and I can't wait for what you're going to write next.

Really good so far!