for Persona HH5/19/2010 c1 
6Enchanter468
Alright! Sorry for taking this long to get around to your story. Anyway, let's see here...
First, things that could be improved: It's pretty obvious that English is not your first language. Spelling errors are actually pretty rare, almost nonexistent (which is good); the only one I saw was "shinning" instead of "shining", but the tense keeps shifting from past to present, making it hard to say what tense the narrative is supposed to be in. There are also some problems when it comes to properly applying verbs and adjectives.
For instance, you described Aprilius as a city of white and blue "erecting" over the seashore. That would be correct if the city were somehow in the process of erecting itself, but in this case the word "erected" is used, not as a verb but as an adjective, so you would get "a city of white and blue erected over the shining seashore"
Don't feel bad about this, though. I gather that English is still a new language for you, and you can rest assured I'd be horribly mangling Chinese if I tried to write something in that, so you're doing better at a new language than I would.
Now, the good news is that thus far, everybody seems to be in character and acting appropriately. Shinn is his usual stern self, Makabe has trouble with housework, as indicated by his "that's what I have a son for" remark, like in Fafner, and Yu...well, he's not a character from FitA or GSD, so I'm guessing he's in character.
The story is an interesting take on the start of GSD, as instead of an Earth Forces attack, we have a "gas explosion". Shinn's impression of reaching hands is suggestive of some sort of creature, though. My first guess would be the Festum, but then again this creature was black, while the Festum tend to be golden in color. Hmm...
Well, I'll just have to keep reading and find out!
6Enchanter468Alright! Sorry for taking this long to get around to your story. Anyway, let's see here...
First, things that could be improved: It's pretty obvious that English is not your first language. Spelling errors are actually pretty rare, almost nonexistent (which is good); the only one I saw was "shinning" instead of "shining", but the tense keeps shifting from past to present, making it hard to say what tense the narrative is supposed to be in. There are also some problems when it comes to properly applying verbs and adjectives.
For instance, you described Aprilius as a city of white and blue "erecting" over the seashore. That would be correct if the city were somehow in the process of erecting itself, but in this case the word "erected" is used, not as a verb but as an adjective, so you would get "a city of white and blue erected over the shining seashore"
Don't feel bad about this, though. I gather that English is still a new language for you, and you can rest assured I'd be horribly mangling Chinese if I tried to write something in that, so you're doing better at a new language than I would.
Now, the good news is that thus far, everybody seems to be in character and acting appropriately. Shinn is his usual stern self, Makabe has trouble with housework, as indicated by his "that's what I have a son for" remark, like in Fafner, and Yu...well, he's not a character from FitA or GSD, so I'm guessing he's in character.
The story is an interesting take on the start of GSD, as instead of an Earth Forces attack, we have a "gas explosion". Shinn's impression of reaching hands is suggestive of some sort of creature, though. My first guess would be the Festum, but then again this creature was black, while the Festum tend to be golden in color. Hmm...
Well, I'll just have to keep reading and find out!