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for Isolated Secluded Unaccompanied Alone

5/22/2018 c2 Kaflaful
Fantastic story so far. Keep it up. I love that I can picture this in the real world rather than everything looking like anime. You do so well at making it fairly realistic. I really want to see what you can do further. I hope you haven’t abandoned this story.
5/14/2017 c2 1gabelou1991
J'aime un peu trop brutal pour Videl.
1/24/2014 c2 Maya
I know I'm extremely late, (Like 4 years) bit I am unconditionally in love with this story and thought that just maybe if I review you would continue. I know it's a long shoot and im reviewing as a guest but it won't hurt to try.
6/20/2010 c1 5Alex Graham
Hey, its been a wile, are you comming out with an update soon? I would like to read some more of this fic
6/9/2010 c1 7Jrik23
While I believe that this information is important it is not really the way that this should be explained. Most of the stuff in here could have been used to develop your characters within your story.

You could have also had several chapters that explained this as part of the story not as an authors note. I really do believe that it is laziness that caused this desire to explain in the form of an authors note instead of a story setting.
5/30/2010 c3 1StephanG
Hey, its me again.

Just read your story, and I have to say that it is awe-inspiring!

I have to be honest, I almost stopped reading after the prologue. But I'm glad I continued. You have an incredible talent when it comes to telling a story.

I can't wait to see what happens next! Please update soon!

P.S. I think its a great idea to make Videl as strong as you did. Most people seem to think that she's strong for a girl her size. But according to Gohan, she's strong even compared to a huge muscular man like her father.
5/18/2010 c3 TheBringerOfDucks
not bad
5/18/2010 c2 TheBringerOfDucks
quite good, though i still hate that saiyaman thing lol

too bad that wierd costume guy will be there...the costume makes him look like an insect no? hahaha
5/11/2010 c3 1Cr3at1v3M1nd28
I could understand the bolding when Videl was introducing herself, as she was putting emphasis on her name and who she is but I didn't get the reasoning behind the bolding for everything else. If you could explain that, that would be great. Otherwise it was a great chapter and I can't wait to read more.
5/10/2010 c1 7Ginjaa Ninjaa
keep it up, I hate having promising stories discontinued
5/9/2010 c3 Monte0411
this is taking an interesting route! and i like the 'can you keep a secret- so can i!' that's pretty funny! looking forward to the next update
5/9/2010 c3 5Alex Graham
NIIIICE, I enjoyed that a lot. The whole Videl crushing gun barrels thing was a bit much I think, but still the fighting was impressive and for the love of God thank you for not having Gohan ruin the bad ass effect by doing those poses and saying something stupid. I like to see Gohan not act like such a retard. Anyway great chapter, keep em coming!
5/8/2010 c3 GohanSSJ2x
wow you made videl into a badas*, i really like that and i also liked how she can use her ki (passion), i wonder how she's going to meet gohan?

As for a bad guy why not brolly? he does come back in the movie when gohan is older so why not try someone thats really hard to kill.

great job can't wait for the next one.
4/27/2010 c2 15miss-apple-dbz
Well, just to let you know, I don't exactly have anything new to say that hasn't already been said, but I do want to get my two cents in, especially after seeing a story that seems well-thought out and prepared, and not written in a whim of five seconds (I'm sure you know what I mean ^_^ hehe).

First of all, thank you for that background information you've given on the first chapter (although I don't think FF . net allows a full AN to be written as a chapter anymore; they used to). It's quite difficult to follow a story with so many changes and without the author clarifying those changes beforehand.

I have to say, the angsty Gohan is quite cliched among writers (especially romance fanatics), but I'm hoping that you'll be able to pull this one off nicely, since everything is so well-planned. Thank you too for keeping the Great Saiyaman, because most angsty emo Gohans don't. Hehe, and I'm already quite excited to see how you write this one. It seems a little odd for a serious Gohan to go around fooling in a costume, hehe, but as you said, it's not like he's a complete 180, right? Just a *teeny* bit more serious.

Well, before moving on to the actual first chapter, I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this particularly, but one thing you can improve is the format of your title, maybe? ^_^ It's just that there are four adjectives consecutively put together, and it sounds a little strange when you first read it. My suggestion is just to put commas between them, or perhaps to reduce it to one or two adjectives that adequately describes all four. (For example, when someone is isolated, they're technically alone, right? ^_^ So there's no need for those two things to be there together. )

Anyway, moving on, I must say that your characterization of Videl is done really well. Videl is one of those characters who is so dynamic, that it's very difficult to get her personality spot on; she's not someone who's plainly stubborn and curious and mean like most people would think, and yet she's not the type to completely fall head over heels with a boy (and if she does, she probably wouldn't show it right away). I really like the fact that you made her scared of her own abilities; that's not something I usually see. Even though she's very confident with her strength and fighting skills like you've mentioned, there's still that inner fear, and again I feel that this makes appear more than one-dimensional. (Although I do wonder about her thinking that she's the best...) ^_^

Her relationship with Erasa is something I can really agree with. I'm hoping that Erasa in this story will become more than just that 'dumb blonde' label that everyone has plastered on her forehead. ^_^ Hehe... and surprisingly, I feel the same about Sharpner. For once, this may be a story where he's not consistently being made a fool out of. ^^ Although I could be wrong, lol, but we'll see soon enough, right?

I think I've rambled on more than enough. I hope that my I've given you good tips, and also let you know that I do like this story (I'm sure it's already evident, but there's no harm in saying it anyway, right? ^_^ hehe), and that I'll be watching it! And you! Update soon.
4/24/2010 c2 Sokei Kodora
Very interesting! This has great potential, and you're already writing it well. Because of this, I'm going to seem harsher than I sometimes do while trying to provide constructive feedback, but I hope to be as detailed and clear as possible with examples.

The first thing that pulled me out of the story while I read it was the tense switching. I see cap red has mentioned this as well, but I need to point out that it happened throughout the chapter, not just at the beginning:

"She does not like small talk, frills, flirting, simpering, any and all beautifying products, and certainly not skimpy little red dresses that make her feel like a slut.

'And yet here I am...' Videl thought bitterly. "

Another one:

"Martial Arts has always been her escape. She loved the adrenaline, the push and pull of the dance-like battles."

I noticed most of these switches happen between paragraphs and sentences. (I thank you for not switching mid-sentence, it's a pet peeve of mine.) A good rule of thumb when deciding the tenses to use is to look at it from a "tiered" perspective, decide upon a "base" tense, then don't use tenses above it. Here's and idea of what I mean:

Present - goes

Past of Present - has gone

Past - went

Past of Past - had gone

Most traditional-style stories are written in this "Past" tense, using the "Past of Past" to speak of things that happened before the events currently being written about. When a writer goes above their base (in this case, using Present when the story is set in Past), it makes the piece start to feel disjointed and confusing. I'll use the two excerpts from above as an example.

In both sections from your writing, you use present tense when you refer to Videl's personality and likes/dislikes, while you use past tense when you refer to the actions of the story. This can be misleading: obviously this is happening in the past. She doesn't like small talk now, but it doesn't necessarily say she didn't then. Martial arts has always been her escape, but this is something referring to now. What does this thing from now have to do with something that happened back then?

While many readers can infer these to mean that Videl didn't like small talk and martial arts was her escape then as it is now, it forces the readers to make that extra connection in their heads as they read, causing temporary distraction from the main attraction: the story. Ultimately, the use of different tenses is for the sake of the readers, allowing the author to clarify and streamline the direction they want the reader's thoughts to go.

On a separate note, watch the use of sentence fragments. I only noticed a couple, the main one being:

"Videl was brought back to the present by a man who had come up to Videl, and wrapped one arm around her shoulders. The other resting on her stomach."

While there's often some leeway given for an author's writing style, it's normally a better idea to avoid use of fragments while doing general description. They can be much better used in conveying disjointed or frantic thought processes. For an extreme example:

"He stared at the ceiling. Couldn't sleep. That was an understatement. Even trying to count sheep, even trying to stop thinking... Thinking, stop? Well, wasn't clear, but kept going. Wouldn't stop, wouldn't stop, wouldn't stop... He groaned, rolling over to stare at the wall for the next half hour of this damnable night." (Not quoted from anything, please forgive my use of self-written work)

Speech can normally get away with using sentence fragments as well, though again to a specific point. Moderation can be a good thing.

Well, that was longer than planned! I hope that you can get some use out of this review despite its essay-like turn!

I do honestly enjoy your writing so far: in fact, it's because I enjoy it that I've written something this long. There's great potential here; I'm only hitting the small nitty gritty things, really. I haven't made any comment on the setting or plot because I really like what you're doing and would much rather see what your mind comes up with than say "I want to see this happen, write it for me". This chapter does an incredible job of setting and character development and introduction, without saying "So and so is like this, hates this, and loves ponies" all in one sentence.

Don't bash your use of description: you have a very good sense of how much to balance with the dialogue. Depending on your preference, you may even be able to mix in more if you'd like. Take a look at Tolkien's Lord of the Rings sometime: if I remember right, he opened with five pages of description before the first word was ever spoken. (It was a little much for me, though. LOL!)

I'll be watching to see where this goes, you can count on it. Great start, good job!
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