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4/24/2010 c2 CnTn
I have to admit I like the opening to your story. Please continue
4/23/2010 c2 GohanSSJ2x
ok im not going to lie...i like it, i really do. It has a lot of potential so please dont quit on it anytime soon like other authors that have a good opening chapter and quit on the next one, good job and im looking foward to the next chapter
4/23/2010 c2 1gohanfanforever
sharpner is such a fag why did you include him as videls real friends but it is your story so ill deal with it
4/23/2010 c2 Aino Mafin
I like it so far
4/23/2010 c2 42Razamataz22
You say that you respond well to constructive critism, so here goes. Great start, you've done well to build the foundations of your own world, now construct a masterpiece
4/23/2010 c2 17cap red
Well this is a refreshing change to the norm and really quite enjoyable. I should warn you that you aren't actually allowed to do entire chapters as authors notes. The backstory is incredibly interesting and I understand the necessity of explaining it, but I would suggest changing the format a tad, so you get all that information out quickly, but it sounds like a story. That way you won't be breaking the sight rules.

Also I do agree with the reviewer on use of a mix of Japanese and English. I understand writing what comes into your head, but it is also important to remember that you are writing for an audience, and I for one find it slightly off putting to have a mix when, as was pointed out, it doesn't quite fit. I won't stop reading, but I will point out how easy it is to switch the occasional word, like Niichan, to something like Gohan.

On to the actual story. A really nice introduction of Videl, and the info on the rape scene was nicely quite vivid without being too graphic and horrific. You struck a really great balance there. Also I really enjoy how you portray Sharpener and Erasa. It is a fair characterisation which includes both their flaws and their good sides. They come across as quite 3d. A really nice intro to what I presume are some of the major characters of the fic.

I do have one bit of constructive feedback, and that is to watch your tenses a little. This was only a problem on the first section where you started the story in present tense format, and then switched to past. Generally speaking, you should stick to one tense.

Apart from that a really excellent beginning and I am looking forward to more from you.

Cap ;)
4/23/2010 c2 6Ludy Cress
Well done! Don't be so nervous - it's very well written and quite interesting indeed! I'm already beginning to formulate some sneaking suspicions for the origins of Videl's more-incredible-than-usual strength.

In your response to me you wrote, "in my head they speak mainly some odd mixture of Japanese and English." That is, by all means, completely fair. I wasn't telling you to write it one way or another, and I apologize if it came off like that! I was just voicing my opinion on the practice in general and explaining the rule I set for myself personally - it certainly doesn't apply to anyone outside of myself. Like I mentioned before, I am a linguist, so it's just something I happen to notice more than any sane person should!

I do understand where you are coming from in terms of mixing up your languages though. I've got quite the diverse language background as well, and when I happen to talk to myself in my temporary bouts of crazy, it's usually only half in English. And even in English I have to watch myself! I'm American too, but I currently live in the UK, so I'm constantly keeping track of whether I'm using British or American spellings. So maybe written consistency in one particular language is just a mild OCD symptom I've developed after years of having to deal with mixing it all up. Haha.

Anyway, please carry on with the story - I'm looking forward to the next chapters!
4/23/2010 c2 12OverzealousDeku
Nicely done!

So will Gohan make an appearance soon?
4/23/2010 c2 UltimateGohan42
im really likin the idea of this story so far, fantastic chapter too. i also want to say thanks for actually thinking your first fic out before posting the first chapter, unlike a lot of other authors who just have a horrible attempt at what they think is a good idea

lol i thot that part about hercule trying to get videl to marry trunks was hilarious

Great chapter, please update soon!
4/23/2010 c1 1Cr3at1v3M1nd28
Wow, this was long but I read it all because you grabbed my attention immediately once I read the second line. I had to think about it and yes you were right. Goku looked like a little child but yet he wasn't. It was strange.

As I kept reading I loved how you split everything up to fit your wants. It actually all makes sense. I agree on the Great Saiyaman staying so long those stupid poses are gone. I loved the idea of the hero but not of those poses. Someone so smart could act so foolish.

I really love where you are going and I will keep this story within my sights so I can read up on the first chapter.
4/23/2010 c1 GohanSSJ2x
i like the concept and i do like dark gohan ficts so i will keep an eye on this one
4/23/2010 c1 2SaiyanSpirit
this looks interesting, update soon please
4/23/2010 c1 6Ludy Cress
"I'm keeping the Great Saiyaman."

THANK YOU. Oh, how I love him so. Though I'm weird enough to actually like the Ginyu poses too.

Everything you've written seems very well thought out and clear, so I'm expecting good things once the story actually gets started! I generally avoid stories where Gohan becomes a major depress-o after Goku leaves, because I have it stuck in my little mind that Gohan is mentally strong enough to pull himself together and get through the situation, and I'm glad you've taken that route as well. I do have a personal vendetta against super saiyan three, just because I think it makes them look like neanderthals, but I'll forgive you for that for the time being. :)

Writing-wise, I'm not sure I entirely agree with mixing Japanese phrases into it. My general rule for my own fanfiction is that if I'm writing in English, stick entirely to English and treat it as a translation of the original Japanese, or whatever language they characters are intended to be speaking. In the case of DBZ, I'm not sure if it was ever implied that they were speaking Japanese or not. Sure they have kanji (technically Chinese!) on their gi, but it takes place in an alternate/future Earth in which even the geography isn't the same. In the case of an alternate Earth, they could be speaking something else entirely, and Toriyama just happened to use Japanese because that's what his audiences required. In the case of a future Earth, there's the possibility that the language has evolved, so it still may not be the case that they speak Japanese.

Also, it's quite suspicious that Vegeta and Frieza and all of their alien pals can communicate so fluently with the characters from Earth. If aliens did actually exist, I think it would be highly unlikely that they would speak either Japanese OR English. I've seen a couple fanfics that have invented some (farfetched) reasons for why this is possible, but I think what really happened was that Toriyama just said, "Eff this, they all speak the same thing because it's FICTION!"

Wow, that turned into a bit of a rant. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that in the end I really don't care whether you use the Japanese rĊmaji spelling or the English transliteration of names, as long as you are consistent (even though a lot of the name puns are based off of English). I do, however, wonder why you (and other authors!) see the need to mix Japanese phrases into the dialogue when there is no clear indiction that the characters were meant to be speaking Japanese in the first place. Call me crazy, but my university degree says I'm a Linguist, so this kind of stuff matters to me! Though probably ONLY to me, and of course, if you do mix Japanese in, it's not going to stop me from reading it. :)

Oh, and don't be too mean to Hercule! I reluctantly admit to loving his character as well.
4/22/2010 c1 12OverzealousDeku
So GOhans is angstier

Videl is far more sarcastic and what did she do after her parents died?

Who took credit for Cell's defeat?

So Videl will still fight crime?
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