for Consequences7/31/2012 c1 Rumia
Well that's a different approach, still good though :)
Well that's a different approach, still good though :)
5/3/2010 c1 
22candarella
Miya! Oh, you changed your name ;A;
Okay. So, when I had my first "scan" on your work, I was like, "Wow, your writing style's better." Really. It's like a BOOM to me. Before, you used long paragraphs to emphasize the "pain" and "drama" in a story (like @ your fic "Only One"). But now, the theme's still "Romance and Angst" but you used simple and plain sentences and paragraphs. It made me feel like "My niece is growing~" [insert tears here]. Haha, yeaass, seriously, as one of your betas it made me really feel good. ^_^
Another. I haven't 'seriously' watched Shaman King (tho I'm somewhat a "fan" of the series before, yeas when I was still a 4th grader XD) but this fic made me want to re-watch it again. I was quite shocked with the HaoAnna pairing, since I used to see only what is "canon" in SK (which is YohAnna).
So, let's move on with the "tecky" things.
First: Grammeerr/shot/Grammar. I know I'm not a grammar expert (like what I told you @ IM, "nangangarag na'ko" XD) XD. I just got a little bit confused with this line, "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features, as I sat idly on the rock she inched closer and closer". Maybe it's just me who got confused (yeah I'm such a noob I should die XD), especially @ " as I sat idly on the rock she inched closer and closer" because it sounds like "something's missing". Is it something like, "As I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer"?.
What if we break down the sentence into this: "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features. As I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer"?
Or rumble the words like: "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features, as she inched closer and closer to the rock where I idly sat." /shot, it looks so redundant WHY AM I HERE RUMMAGING YOUR INNOCENT BRAIN/dies, I'm not a good beta I know XD/ORZ PHAIL.
Last. OR, use other punctuations like "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features; as I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer."
Second: Use of punctuations. (Hn, how should I say this...) I think you should replace some of your 'commas' with periods, since that it somewhat makes the sentences long that it sounds a little bit confusing. Take back the sentence, "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features, as I sat idly on the rock she inched closer and closer" that became "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features; as I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer."
Another: "I looked at her figure. Her shoulders hunched up and down, tired from her constant struggling, but her face was still serious, determined."
The sentence, I think, was well constructed, except when the "but-contrast" came. Maybe we can use something like, "Even though her shoulders hunched up and down, tired from her constant struggling, her face was still serious... and determined."
Third: Emphasis. In drama and angst stories, emphasis is needed to fill dark yet pleasing colors to the story. As a drama-and-angst reader (yes, I love both drama and angst XD), I honestly don't like to see a 'lot' of ellipsis. Like, here:
1."Don't worry, I'd never let go…". If there's assurance with what the speaker is saying, don't use ellipsis. I thought of this when comparing Hao's character to "Sakuno Ryuzaki's character". Look: In this story, it'd be better if Hao knows what he's talking about. Sakuno, who's always shy, doesn't know what to tell. I think it'd be better if you will cancel the ellipsis: "Don't worry, I'd never let go."
2. "He's strong enough… strong enough to defeat you". There's a follow-up description saying that Anna's confident with what she said. Following #1, there shouldn't be any ellipsis. It'd be like, "He's strong enough. Strong enough to defeat you!" or something like "He's strong enough to defeat you, Hao." Now, look at the second sample that I just typed in (lol). It's as if Anna's bragging to Hao that Yoh is really strong enough to defeat him. Use names for emphasis. Really, it works.
3. "You know that I'd be Shaman king, Anna…" Avoid using aphostrophes. It, ugh, reduces the effectiveness/shot/. Maybe it's just me XD It'll become something like: "You know that I will be the Shaman king, Anna." or something like that /shot. /OTL XD
4. "See, Anna? Even your companions are afraid of me… of my power." DASHES ARE USEFUL, especially when another thing "attacks" the sentence. It'll be like: " Even your companions are afraid of me-of my power." Notice that at the first thought of your sentence, they are afraid of Hao. And then there's the follow-up of them being afraid of his power. (dashes are very useful when incorporating another thought to a sentence. :D)
5. "I missed this smell… I missed her." Another technique in 'emphasis' is "using the enter key to make another paragraph in order to avoid the ellipsis or excess use of dahses/shot/ It'll be like this:
"Wrong, Anna," I drawled, stepping forward – she did the opposite. Before she could go back any farther, I grabbed her arm and felt her stiffen. "If you want to be the wife of the Shaman King then you should have me as your fiancé…" I whispered in her ear. Being this close, I took the opportunity to take in her scent. She smelled like fresh blossoms.
I missed this smell.
I missed her. (then italicize the word "her" to emphasize)
The moment hadn't lasted long though; she swiftly pushed me away with her free hand and raised it up.
6. "Don't resist me anymore, Anna. I know you missed me…". I think this is exceptional to number ONE because Hao's teasing Anna. Really, yes. It's fine with or without ellipsis.
7."There he was – Yoh Asakura, my little brother, my other half… my rival". I don't see it appealing to my own eye (yes, mine only XD that's why this is given proper attention by me XD) when there's a "space-dash-space". In sentences like this, you should emphasize Hao's 'envy' by the proper use of dash, comma and "enter key". Yes. It'll be like this:
There he was-Yoh Asakura.
My little brother; my other half.
My rival.
I smiled sullenly; Anna stood straight, her head still turned towards him. Yoh wasn't alone; he was with his other so-called "friends" while wearing the black training outfit Anna had made for him.
8. "I took one last look at Anna, and something flitted on her face… a very familiar something." Use a dash instead of ellipsis.
9-10. "I can't stay with you – I can't…" Number 7. Proper use of ellipsis, too. (Ellipsis are best used when there's a follow-up sentence that doesn't look good with dashes or semi-colons. /shot/) | 10. "Sorry…" was all that I could say before flying away with the Spirit of Fire." In here, I think you should just use (') than ("). It'll be like this:
"I can't stay with you... I can't-" I tried to explain, but she shook her head hard, not letting go of my clothes.
"No! You promised!" She was stubborn – as I expected. I sighed and gently tried to pluck her little fingers off of my clothes.
'Sorry' was all that I could say before flying away with the Spirit of Fire.
+ PLUS. I think it will become more angsty if Hao wasn't able to say "Sorry" /shot. It'll be like this:
"I can't stay with you... I can't-" I tried to explain, but she shook her head hard, not letting go of my clothes.
"No! You promised!" She was stubborn – as I expected. I sighed and gently tried to pluck her little fingers off of my clothes.
Looking at her crying image was all that I could do before flying away with the Spirit of Fire.
I could not apologize, because saying ''I'm sorry" was not really enough.
11. "Hao, wait – no – come back! Hao! HAO!" She screamed, and it was the last thing I heard." Number 7 again. Also, don't forget the words that can help in emphasizing like, "very, really, much, more, could", like this:
"Hao, wait–! N-no! Come back, Hao...! HAO!" She screamed.
Her pleading voice lingered in my ears as she called out to me. It was the very last time that I was able to hear her longing for my presence.
For me.
12. "Leaving her that time was for the best… I didn't want her to be devoured by the darkness, the hate" Number 1. Like:
Leaving her that time was for the best. I did not want her to be devoured by the darkness, the hate–even though I knew that leaving her had its own consequences, I still did. Then again, never had I thought that she'd eventually become my little brother's fiancée.
13. "This was probably for the best…
…Right?"
LAST LINES ARE VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THEY MAKE THE ANGST AND DRAMA COMPLETE /shot/ There are many options:
A. Avoid the ellipsis except for the very last word.
"This was probably for the best.
…Right?"
B. Add more.
"This was probably for the best, right?
...or was I wrong?"
C. Don't capitalize "r" (lol so random)
"This was probably for the best…
… right?"
D. Or this (I can say no more /mindraepd XDD)
"This was probably for the best.
Right?"
E. Or you can retain it. /shot
Fourth. Character. I don't think that Anna and Hao are being OOC here. Add up to that they have that kind of past in this fic. :D
I'm so sorry Miya. This is the farthest that I can go through. ;A; /fail. I need to conserve energy for the Goldfish Scooping Stall @IU (it's 8:00 already ;A;)
I'm really proud of you ;A; Growing up like this T_T -glomp-
You did a very awesome job. (Don't mind the review. I'm probably just harrasing you for being strict like this on very small stuff XXD)
-glomp again-
Thanks for asking me to do this for you. I really enjoyed it. (Longest review so far, I think? haha.)
Ja'ne~
Ya-chan/rookie-chan
(PS: I might do DOTR soon. :D)
22candarellaMiya! Oh, you changed your name ;A;
Okay. So, when I had my first "scan" on your work, I was like, "Wow, your writing style's better." Really. It's like a BOOM to me. Before, you used long paragraphs to emphasize the "pain" and "drama" in a story (like @ your fic "Only One"). But now, the theme's still "Romance and Angst" but you used simple and plain sentences and paragraphs. It made me feel like "My niece is growing~" [insert tears here]. Haha, yeaass, seriously, as one of your betas it made me really feel good. ^_^
Another. I haven't 'seriously' watched Shaman King (tho I'm somewhat a "fan" of the series before, yeas when I was still a 4th grader XD) but this fic made me want to re-watch it again. I was quite shocked with the HaoAnna pairing, since I used to see only what is "canon" in SK (which is YohAnna).
So, let's move on with the "tecky" things.
First: Grammeerr/shot/Grammar. I know I'm not a grammar expert (like what I told you @ IM, "nangangarag na'ko" XD) XD. I just got a little bit confused with this line, "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features, as I sat idly on the rock she inched closer and closer". Maybe it's just me who got confused (yeah I'm such a noob I should die XD), especially @ " as I sat idly on the rock she inched closer and closer" because it sounds like "something's missing". Is it something like, "As I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer"?.
What if we break down the sentence into this: "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features. As I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer"?
Or rumble the words like: "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features, as she inched closer and closer to the rock where I idly sat." /shot, it looks so redundant WHY AM I HERE RUMMAGING YOUR INNOCENT BRAIN/dies, I'm not a good beta I know XD/ORZ PHAIL.
Last. OR, use other punctuations like "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features; as I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer."
Second: Use of punctuations. (Hn, how should I say this...) I think you should replace some of your 'commas' with periods, since that it somewhat makes the sentences long that it sounds a little bit confusing. Take back the sentence, "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features, as I sat idly on the rock she inched closer and closer" that became "I looked at her with amusement etched on my features; as I sat idly on the rock, she inched closer and closer."
Another: "I looked at her figure. Her shoulders hunched up and down, tired from her constant struggling, but her face was still serious, determined."
The sentence, I think, was well constructed, except when the "but-contrast" came. Maybe we can use something like, "Even though her shoulders hunched up and down, tired from her constant struggling, her face was still serious... and determined."
Third: Emphasis. In drama and angst stories, emphasis is needed to fill dark yet pleasing colors to the story. As a drama-and-angst reader (yes, I love both drama and angst XD), I honestly don't like to see a 'lot' of ellipsis. Like, here:
1."Don't worry, I'd never let go…". If there's assurance with what the speaker is saying, don't use ellipsis. I thought of this when comparing Hao's character to "Sakuno Ryuzaki's character". Look: In this story, it'd be better if Hao knows what he's talking about. Sakuno, who's always shy, doesn't know what to tell. I think it'd be better if you will cancel the ellipsis: "Don't worry, I'd never let go."
2. "He's strong enough… strong enough to defeat you". There's a follow-up description saying that Anna's confident with what she said. Following #1, there shouldn't be any ellipsis. It'd be like, "He's strong enough. Strong enough to defeat you!" or something like "He's strong enough to defeat you, Hao." Now, look at the second sample that I just typed in (lol). It's as if Anna's bragging to Hao that Yoh is really strong enough to defeat him. Use names for emphasis. Really, it works.
3. "You know that I'd be Shaman king, Anna…" Avoid using aphostrophes. It, ugh, reduces the effectiveness/shot/. Maybe it's just me XD It'll become something like: "You know that I will be the Shaman king, Anna." or something like that /shot. /OTL XD
4. "See, Anna? Even your companions are afraid of me… of my power." DASHES ARE USEFUL, especially when another thing "attacks" the sentence. It'll be like: " Even your companions are afraid of me-of my power." Notice that at the first thought of your sentence, they are afraid of Hao. And then there's the follow-up of them being afraid of his power. (dashes are very useful when incorporating another thought to a sentence. :D)
5. "I missed this smell… I missed her." Another technique in 'emphasis' is "using the enter key to make another paragraph in order to avoid the ellipsis or excess use of dahses/shot/ It'll be like this:
"Wrong, Anna," I drawled, stepping forward – she did the opposite. Before she could go back any farther, I grabbed her arm and felt her stiffen. "If you want to be the wife of the Shaman King then you should have me as your fiancé…" I whispered in her ear. Being this close, I took the opportunity to take in her scent. She smelled like fresh blossoms.
I missed this smell.
I missed her. (then italicize the word "her" to emphasize)
The moment hadn't lasted long though; she swiftly pushed me away with her free hand and raised it up.
6. "Don't resist me anymore, Anna. I know you missed me…". I think this is exceptional to number ONE because Hao's teasing Anna. Really, yes. It's fine with or without ellipsis.
7."There he was – Yoh Asakura, my little brother, my other half… my rival". I don't see it appealing to my own eye (yes, mine only XD that's why this is given proper attention by me XD) when there's a "space-dash-space". In sentences like this, you should emphasize Hao's 'envy' by the proper use of dash, comma and "enter key". Yes. It'll be like this:
There he was-Yoh Asakura.
My little brother; my other half.
My rival.
I smiled sullenly; Anna stood straight, her head still turned towards him. Yoh wasn't alone; he was with his other so-called "friends" while wearing the black training outfit Anna had made for him.
8. "I took one last look at Anna, and something flitted on her face… a very familiar something." Use a dash instead of ellipsis.
9-10. "I can't stay with you – I can't…" Number 7. Proper use of ellipsis, too. (Ellipsis are best used when there's a follow-up sentence that doesn't look good with dashes or semi-colons. /shot/) | 10. "Sorry…" was all that I could say before flying away with the Spirit of Fire." In here, I think you should just use (') than ("). It'll be like this:
"I can't stay with you... I can't-" I tried to explain, but she shook her head hard, not letting go of my clothes.
"No! You promised!" She was stubborn – as I expected. I sighed and gently tried to pluck her little fingers off of my clothes.
'Sorry' was all that I could say before flying away with the Spirit of Fire.
+ PLUS. I think it will become more angsty if Hao wasn't able to say "Sorry" /shot. It'll be like this:
"I can't stay with you... I can't-" I tried to explain, but she shook her head hard, not letting go of my clothes.
"No! You promised!" She was stubborn – as I expected. I sighed and gently tried to pluck her little fingers off of my clothes.
Looking at her crying image was all that I could do before flying away with the Spirit of Fire.
I could not apologize, because saying ''I'm sorry" was not really enough.
11. "Hao, wait – no – come back! Hao! HAO!" She screamed, and it was the last thing I heard." Number 7 again. Also, don't forget the words that can help in emphasizing like, "very, really, much, more, could", like this:
"Hao, wait–! N-no! Come back, Hao...! HAO!" She screamed.
Her pleading voice lingered in my ears as she called out to me. It was the very last time that I was able to hear her longing for my presence.
For me.
12. "Leaving her that time was for the best… I didn't want her to be devoured by the darkness, the hate" Number 1. Like:
Leaving her that time was for the best. I did not want her to be devoured by the darkness, the hate–even though I knew that leaving her had its own consequences, I still did. Then again, never had I thought that she'd eventually become my little brother's fiancée.
13. "This was probably for the best…
…Right?"
LAST LINES ARE VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THEY MAKE THE ANGST AND DRAMA COMPLETE /shot/ There are many options:
A. Avoid the ellipsis except for the very last word.
"This was probably for the best.
…Right?"
B. Add more.
"This was probably for the best, right?
...or was I wrong?"
C. Don't capitalize "r" (lol so random)
"This was probably for the best…
… right?"
D. Or this (I can say no more /mindraepd XDD)
"This was probably for the best.
Right?"
E. Or you can retain it. /shot
Fourth. Character. I don't think that Anna and Hao are being OOC here. Add up to that they have that kind of past in this fic. :D
I'm so sorry Miya. This is the farthest that I can go through. ;A; /fail. I need to conserve energy for the Goldfish Scooping Stall @IU (it's 8:00 already ;A;)
I'm really proud of you ;A; Growing up like this T_T -glomp-
You did a very awesome job. (Don't mind the review. I'm probably just harrasing you for being strict like this on very small stuff XXD)
-glomp again-
Thanks for asking me to do this for you. I really enjoyed it. (Longest review so far, I think? haha.)
Ja'ne~
Ya-chan/rookie-chan
(PS: I might do DOTR soon. :D)
5/3/2010 c1 32Kazumi Kairi or Kairi-chan
wow... this is really angsty story ever. I rarely read some HaoxAnna fic but this I have to say one of the best ever! XD
awesome job on this fic I still look forward to read some of your one-shots or series. :3
~Kairi
32Kazumi Kairi or Kairi-chanwow... this is really angsty story ever. I rarely read some HaoxAnna fic but this I have to say one of the best ever! XD
awesome job on this fic I still look forward to read some of your one-shots or series. :3
~Kairi