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2/12/2011 c7 Za Bakonist
you need a beta for your grammar but I like the story
12/23/2010 c1 4T. J. Nightshade
I remember reading chapter 1 months ago and waiting to see what would happen to Tomix and Mortis now that I read some more of it, I say good job! But I HATE SUSPENCE! UPDATE! Please?
12/23/2010 c10 Deleted Account Pending Remove
You know, I've never heard that reply to "Can you teach me to fight?" It always seems to be either "No, I won't because of such-and-such" or "Sure, here's a sword" - most often of all it's A followed by B, and I get tired of that. But you've gone and been original here - awesome!

I get the idea you know how to use a bow, or at least know something about them. It makes for cool reading, with the real-seeming details. Also, it's cute how he said he can sleep riding his horse. :)

And again at the very end of the chapter, I see a glimpse of the DF-timeline's Sepulchure... "turn the tables", indeed! I think that against Mortis, even Sek-Duat is going to find himself mentally outmatched. And I still can't wait to see how that plays out. But then... I never know just what might happen. Never until you update that is. So update! Pleeease?

-Lysana
12/15/2010 c10 4Kelanio
Oh wow this story is good! You have done an amazing job so far, I'm really looking foward to the next chapter!
11/18/2010 c9 Deleted Account Pending Remove
What? No! It's the last chapter so far - you gotta update! And three sarcastic cheers for bullies, by the way. What kind of losers... actually, you describd what kind of losers they are pretty well.

Ironic that Sepulchure (who you STILL have not outright said is or isn't Mortis!) will one day treat other people that way. :(

Now, HOW do you go about getting Sek-Duat to back off of your case? I want to see this. And by the way, POOR MORTIS! He got hurt! Two arrows plus no healing potions is NOT fun.

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c8 Deleted Account Pending Remove
Oh yikes. Mortis and Nara just can't ever catch a break, can they?

The battle scene WAS a little hard to follow, being all in one long paragraph like that. I'd have gotten less lost ifyou broke it up. But still, good action and scary scene!

I love the assortment of foods at the dinner in Lymcrest - salmon (from the river no doubt) was a nice, observant touch on your part. Way to go!

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c7 Deleted Account Pending Remove
Wow... he just keeps on having these fits of spontaneous magic, doesn't he? That could get difficult for a person. And it's scary how much he doesn't seem to react to it. I'm definitely starting to see the darkness in this young man... but he still seems basically good. This story has me on the edge of my seat!

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c6 Deleted Account Pending Remove
Dramatic! I got a little confused, since I think you started the chapter in your usual third-person viewpoint, then went to first-person from Mortis. But I soon sorted things out. Not critical, just distracting.

Now like I said, really dramatic chapter! It's kind of chilling in a way, to see how ready Mortis was to kill. Even now, when he's young and not fallen into the evil he's seemingly going to get caught up in sooner or later. He just lit into those men! Yeah, I know, I know, they were mugging the lady but gosh, he was fast to kill! Seems VERY much in character to me.

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c5 Deleted Account Pending Remove
And now Zhoom is involved! Nice. It looks like a LOT of people are going to be nice to Mortis... Not everyone, though. Good grief, what is with people who try to take kids away from their parents when the parents aren't beating the kids or something? Yikes.

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c4 Deleted Account Pending Remove
Whaaaaa? THAT author's note was random. Oh well. Awesome chapter, and I love seeing Xan! (You'd never guess it. I'm, as my friend Princess Arimae put it, a XanFan!)

I always have to feel kind of disappointed when I see random cursing in a fic. Even though you cut it off - why would someone in Lore curse when they never do in the game? Still I like the chapter and can't wait to read more.

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c3 Deleted Account Pending Remove
Oh... no. The'Galin, huh? So my sister and I aren't the only people who think HE's part of Sepulchure's story. And, um, yeah. I guess this boy Mortis really IS Sepulchure just like I thought. At least that's what it definitely looks like now.

All your kid versions of the characters are so cute! I love how you're writing this. Everybody's elements make so much sense somehow (Konnan's is obvious of course... But then I'm a Konnan fangirl. But then AGAIN I'm a fangirl of just about every character in Lore.) =D

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c2 Deleted Account Pending Remove
Poor impatient Tomix! And I forgot to say last chapter how awesome it is of him to take on the responsibility of being this baby's daddy. Not just 'I'll raise him' as some people might say, but actually stepping up to be his FATHER. Way to go, Tomix!

Oh yeah - 'How to Train your Half-Dragon'? =O ... I do believe they would have that book in DF! It's just like all the other wacky book titles they have around!

-Lysana
11/18/2010 c1 Deleted Account Pending Remove
Whoa, interesting! SoulWeaver magic? I can totally see that. It's what it looks like, though I never connected it. Now I wonder - is this baby the person who'll become Sepulchure or am I jumping to conclusions? 'Savior or Destroyer of Lore' - fascinating! Like the baby dragons. On to the next chapter!

-Lysana
7/26/2010 c1 Hazlov
Good story
7/23/2010 c6 The Buttered Scribe
Your chapters could be a little longer, maybe a teensy bit more description. Or is the character meant to be an abrupt person? It's hard to tell with first-person stories.

A cool trick I learned is that instead of using "he said", "she said", etc. you write the action that the person did after they said it. It just looks better, but if you like, you can drop in some of those "said"s if you run out of ideas.

Good luck with camping. :D
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