for The Darkness Within:The Rewrite6/16/2010 c11 Brandyk
jajaja the Potter's rely a lot on their instincts! and the way he conect Damien with the Dark Prince was so cute, they're so alike in some way no mater the upbring.
and james' just so sure, he's giving away sirius thins ... no way! jajaja how cool friends really. maybe he can buy it back later for his friend.
it could be that I know who's the Prince but never cross y mind that james'd want revenge through the boy, but it makes a lot of sense now that you wrote it. what a surprise they'll get! and well, that's just the miracle the Order needs to claim the boy for their plan: Harry's still a minor and his father's just about to appear and claim him. jajaja imagine Fudge's face not even having the trial at the end! jajajaja
see u!
jajaja the Potter's rely a lot on their instincts! and the way he conect Damien with the Dark Prince was so cute, they're so alike in some way no mater the upbring.
and james' just so sure, he's giving away sirius thins ... no way! jajaja how cool friends really. maybe he can buy it back later for his friend.
it could be that I know who's the Prince but never cross y mind that james'd want revenge through the boy, but it makes a lot of sense now that you wrote it. what a surprise they'll get! and well, that's just the miracle the Order needs to claim the boy for their plan: Harry's still a minor and his father's just about to appear and claim him. jajaja imagine Fudge's face not even having the trial at the end! jajajaja
see u!
6/16/2010 c11 SalonK
Excellent. I can hardly wait to see James confront his son. I'm wondering if he's going to figure it out, straight away? The guards already know the Dark Prince's name. This should be eventful come next chapter.
I forgot to mention in the last review I gave, but your action scenes are fantastic. Really, really well done.
That being said, might I suggest, since this is a rewrite of a story you've already posted in completion-try being more succinct. You have several instances in this chapter alone wherein you essentially say the same thing three or four times in a paragraph.
Example:
"Jackson's smirk slipped from his face. Sixteen? He had thought the boy was older. He acted as if he was older and Jackson had assumed the boy had come of age already. He was expecting the boy to say he was eighteen at the very least. Jackson shared a look with the other two men in the room and even they looked surprised. They were dealing with a minor. Jackson looked back at Harry, staring at the face and saw that he did in fact look young enough to be sixteen but his persona gave the impression he was older."
Here is an abbreviated version:
"Jackson's smirk slipped from his face. Sixteen? He'd expected the boy was eighteen or so-of age, at the very least. The man shared a surprised look with his guards, suddenly realizing they were dealing with a minor. When he looked back to Harry, he could see the youth in the boy's face, at last. Jackson had been fooled by a persona."
Just remember that you always want to keep the flow in your prose. Don't beat an idea to death. Make your point and move on.
Anyway, I loved how James caught Damien's similarity to Harry. I think old dad is finally getting a clue.
Exciting update!
Excellent. I can hardly wait to see James confront his son. I'm wondering if he's going to figure it out, straight away? The guards already know the Dark Prince's name. This should be eventful come next chapter.
I forgot to mention in the last review I gave, but your action scenes are fantastic. Really, really well done.
That being said, might I suggest, since this is a rewrite of a story you've already posted in completion-try being more succinct. You have several instances in this chapter alone wherein you essentially say the same thing three or four times in a paragraph.
Example:
"Jackson's smirk slipped from his face. Sixteen? He had thought the boy was older. He acted as if he was older and Jackson had assumed the boy had come of age already. He was expecting the boy to say he was eighteen at the very least. Jackson shared a look with the other two men in the room and even they looked surprised. They were dealing with a minor. Jackson looked back at Harry, staring at the face and saw that he did in fact look young enough to be sixteen but his persona gave the impression he was older."
Here is an abbreviated version:
"Jackson's smirk slipped from his face. Sixteen? He'd expected the boy was eighteen or so-of age, at the very least. The man shared a surprised look with his guards, suddenly realizing they were dealing with a minor. When he looked back to Harry, he could see the youth in the boy's face, at last. Jackson had been fooled by a persona."
Just remember that you always want to keep the flow in your prose. Don't beat an idea to death. Make your point and move on.
Anyway, I loved how James caught Damien's similarity to Harry. I think old dad is finally getting a clue.
Exciting update!
6/16/2010 c11 
3David Fishwick
Great and I liked how you wrote Sirius and Lily in this chapter and I also think that the upcoming confrontation between Harry and James will be good. Please update soon thanks.
3David FishwickGreat and I liked how you wrote Sirius and Lily in this chapter and I also think that the upcoming confrontation between Harry and James will be good. Please update soon thanks.
6/16/2010 c11 MYsweetAngel
oh!1 xD great chapter!
sooo James and Harrys confrontation is gonna be good xP
see ya next chapter!
oh!1 xD great chapter!
sooo James and Harrys confrontation is gonna be good xP
see ya next chapter!
6/16/2010 c10 MYsweetAngel
ohhh! so this is were you start to change this fic from the Darkness Within! xD
I like it ! I think this has potential!
really looking forward to reading more!
ohhh! so this is were you start to change this fic from the Darkness Within! xD
I like it ! I think this has potential!
really looking forward to reading more!
6/16/2010 c11 Lai
oooh evil cliffhanger. But you are the queen of updating so I don't mind :p Really really great chapter. I really like the new direction of the story. I wonder if there are any other major changes throughout the story, or if this is the only one? I guess I shall find out!
oooh evil cliffhanger. But you are the queen of updating so I don't mind :p Really really great chapter. I really like the new direction of the story. I wonder if there are any other major changes throughout the story, or if this is the only one? I guess I shall find out!
6/16/2010 c11 Die in a hole with Penguins
That was hilarious with Harry and the veriteserum, It was SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR! no words in the varnacular can describe this great event! I can't wait for James to get there!
Sorry if you don't get the Spectacular Spectacular refrence its from a movie called Moulin Rouge.
That was hilarious with Harry and the veriteserum, It was SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR! no words in the varnacular can describe this great event! I can't wait for James to get there!
Sorry if you don't get the Spectacular Spectacular refrence its from a movie called Moulin Rouge.
6/16/2010 c11 Proof
this is getting so increadibly intence! I got to the end of the chapter and growled! I wanted to find out what happened next so bad. brilliant chapter!
this is getting so increadibly intence! I got to the end of the chapter and growled! I wanted to find out what happened next so bad. brilliant chapter!
6/16/2010 c11 MissDEEinsanelyME
okay love the changes again and i cannot wait until james meets harry but anyway good chapter as always u got me on the edge of my seat lol but cant wait for another update ;)
okay love the changes again and i cannot wait until james meets harry but anyway good chapter as always u got me on the edge of my seat lol but cant wait for another update ;)
6/16/2010 c11 197Luiz4200
That part about Bagman makes me think: Would the goblins kill canonBagman so his signed stuff would be worth enough money to pay his debts? Please update.
197Luiz4200That part about Bagman makes me think: Would the goblins kill canonBagman so his signed stuff would be worth enough money to pay his debts? Please update.
6/16/2010 c11 silly billy
i'm loving this new twist to the story it's great can't wait to see what happens next! thanks for writing it and making my day :o)
i'm loving this new twist to the story it's great can't wait to see what happens next! thanks for writing it and making my day :o)
6/16/2010 c11 17Epsilon Scorpii
Hey, that was totally different from the original. And totally awesome! Although this chapter was left off a small cliffie, it still makes me feel all giddy and of course, yearning for updates. I really like your rewrite though, it gives more details and makes your story more logical, for e.g. the part of when how Fudge knew about the Dark Prince. In the Darkness Within, you only mentioned that Harry was caught by the Order... I didn't think you really went into the part how Fudge knew about it, so I'm really glad you wrote this and solved the question marks.
That was excellent, brilliant... fantastic chapter! Please update- soon! :D
TWC
17Epsilon ScorpiiHey, that was totally different from the original. And totally awesome! Although this chapter was left off a small cliffie, it still makes me feel all giddy and of course, yearning for updates. I really like your rewrite though, it gives more details and makes your story more logical, for e.g. the part of when how Fudge knew about the Dark Prince. In the Darkness Within, you only mentioned that Harry was caught by the Order... I didn't think you really went into the part how Fudge knew about it, so I'm really glad you wrote this and solved the question marks.
That was excellent, brilliant... fantastic chapter! Please update- soon! :D
TWC