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6/20/2010 c5 9SundayWinterChild
Another excellent chapter, but I think I've said that for every chapter so far.

Your condensing the escape from the Vault the way you did and coming up with fresh dialogue that still kept the spirit of the in-game dialogue ensured that this chapter did not turn into a glorfied game walkthrough.

Amata's cold, calculating personality is truly terrifying. The fact that she could shoot someone in the head without flinching is very worrying. Add to that the fact that she took advantage of Arta's feelings (at least I'm assuming that is what she did) in the hopes that her own father might be killed makes Amata as much of a monster as some of the worst Wasteland denizens.

I look forward to more.
6/15/2010 c4 2thebutcheroftorfan
Wow...wow. So much pain and anguish. I LOVE IT!
6/15/2010 c4 richardkahlancarazedd
Good on good, Cally. Your tale is one that captures a reader's focus, all way through to the close of a wonderfully written chapter.

(p.s. Isn't Jonas fulfilling the role of: 1) Andy's new line of 'toys' between Arta and Amata & 2) a suitably shaped root vegetable and or fruit? As, he's characterized as the 'go-to' prop, easily manipulated boy-toy for: release, gimmick to agitate your 'signficant' other, tick off a restrictive daddy, in a passive/aggressive sleight, etc.)

Otherwise, bravo! On your continued work of excellence. :-)
6/14/2010 c4 Countess of Monleigh
Erm, all that I can really say is that this is a unique story. Um, the intimate scenes were very well done.

One thing I do have to ask though. Even though Amata only wanted her friend back... And I do understand that. Why would she go after Jonas. And why would he respond. I mean it almost seems... Pedophile-ish... She is only 16...

Sorry. I don't mean to sound rude... I just am finding your Jonas to be very OOC.
6/14/2010 c4 4jetflight
That sounds like a promising story. Liking the character writing and scenery description thus far.

Also... since I see Burke's name there, a little reminder to everyone: Burke is older than James. That's right, he may not look like it, but he's older than your dad. Delve into teenage pregnancies and he could be the Lone Wanderer's grandfather! (but nevermind my rant if you hadn't planned on relations with him :-p )
6/13/2010 c4 7GracingOctober
Love this story! Very easy to relate to in main drama terms (i.e. you tell your best friend you like someone and they go off and sleep with him/her). Can't wait for your next chapter! :)
6/13/2010 c4 Kingoftheplankton
Wonderful language, really vivid and descriptive, it felt like I was with Arta the whole way feeling the pain she felt. Excellent chapter, and really well done adopting a high school clique approach with the younger residents.

Jonas really is a bastard, isn't he?
6/13/2010 c4 9SundayWinterChild
Another excellent chapter. My heart absolutely ached for Arta through the whole ordeal from beginning to end. How well I remember the awkwardness of the high school years and the cattiness that comes with it.

I'm sure the Overseer would be pleased at how coniving his daughter was becoming, although perhaps not the circumstances under which this came to the fore.

"I mean, what's a girl to do when the powers that be aren't likely to approve of making such things, and there are no suitably shaped root vegetables or fruits available?"

I know that's in your comments at the end, but it did make me laugh! I look forward to your next chapter!
6/13/2010 c3 heartshape
I love this story so far! Please continue :)
6/6/2010 c3 Kingoftheplankton
Really unusual start but I have to say it had me hooked right away. I like the gray moral choices already, bodes very well for the rest of the tale. Looking forward to reading more from you and about Arta.

Kudos on the sex scene, very tasteful.
6/6/2010 c3 richardkahlancarazedd
Very good story progression, Cally. I am not all too familiar with Wasteland & Fallout, as it pertains to the games, however, your writing gives a neat visual to the gist of its landscape.

Anyway, of more importance.. Keep up the wonderful work, as I'd like to read what follows next. (:-)
6/6/2010 c3 SundayWinterChild
You have a lovely writing style that's a pleasure to read. Very British, as my sister would say. ;) The way you handled the sex scene was very tasteful. Sometimes less is more with such situations.

I agree with you about passions bubbling under the surface and being repressed for so long that at some point they will explode. What happened in Cumbria was incredibly tragic, but a very good example of this very thing.

My only criticism is that for 16 year olds they are incredibly well spoken and self-aware. While Vault education would probably help them in that, I have a hard time imagining Butch using the word "pariah". It's just a minor point though, really, and nothing that kept me from enjoying what you'd written.

I look forward to seeing more!
5/31/2010 c2 Dbird
I like this story a lot, I loved the first chapter with the comparison to the womb and the second chapter was also brilliant, although I can't really see Jonas acting that way. However that's just me and it's only a minor problem in an, otherwise flawless story. I also found the sex scene to be very tastefully done, and not a pornography, which is a refreshing change. I hope to see you writing more of this! :D
5/31/2010 c2 1Firebane5
A most interesting beginning showing a great deal of promise. You've done a lot so far to give the reader insight into Arta's character along with her 'interests' and skills by using a mixture of well written dialog combined with inner thoughts and some subtle if simplistic body language.

You're writing style also works rather well, giving a good amount of detail to the reader without making things verbose. Having said that though I wouldn't mind some additional detail about the environment; as I'm always interested in reading other peoples perceptions of different areas. Still that's only a suggestion so don't force yourself if you're not comfortable with it.

All in all I look forward to the next chapter.
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