Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Super Smash Bros: Tournament of Legends

8/18/2011 c1 1Lord of Chaos 28
Lol, he sees Samus naked? Lucky bastard. I was cracking up. And I was about to yell at you for not letting Rokusho in, when I read Metabee was in and you skipped Rokusho I was already thinking, what sort of all caps rage should I unleash?
8/7/2011 c1 Joeb
Hey what's up, let's dive in.

1.) "He chattered away in his usual rapid fire manner. I unconsciously filtered out the pointless sounds."

First of all you could probably remove the "in his usual rapid fire manner" and just allow his actual speech to resemble the thought you're trying to invoke.

Secondly who exactly is "I" in this? The pointless sounds might actually serve to make Crazy Hand's dialoge more distinct and interesting.

2.) Well OK, so "I" as the narrator is Master Hand. OK, in that case your first line is what's incorrect.

Suddenly:

"Holy crap I'm bored. Master Hand mussed as he hovered in his office thinking about the end of the action-packed Brawl Tournament. After the chaotic nature of the last tournament the interim seems even more boring than usual. But how to break the monotony?

Suddenly his brother Crazy Hand came barging into the room, he chattered away in his usual rapid fire manner."

Needs to be:

"Holy crap I'm bored. I mused as I hovered in my office thinking about the end of the action packed Brawl Tournament. After the chaotic nature of the last tournament the interim seems even more boring than usual, but how to break the monotony?

Suddenly my brother, Crazy Hand, came barging into the room, he chattered away in his usual rapid fire manner."

3.) You suddenly set Wolf up as commentator. It's a bit sudden. I think you could have shown a more reasonable explanation for putting a commentator in.

4.) You have too many commentators. Plenty of them could be actual fighters. I'm not sure why.

Final thoughts are thus: As far as a story setting up a new tournament between the characters you want to see (not the most original of concepts but hey, it can be fun). I think you've done a fair job of introducing things. There are a few changes here and there that I would personally like to see, and there are a few mistakes. Still it's not terrible.
5/19/2011 c18 15HowlingDomain
This is very interesting Shade. Most certainly one of the best that I have read that are under a new tournament.
10/5/2010 c14 anomynous
what happened to slade?
9/16/2010 c13 4Naoki-the-dreamer
Very creative. The action was breathtaking.
8/19/2010 c1 emmy
"No Solid Snake must be in brawl."(runs around room hugging playstation2 controler)."I will avenge him,or you could just slip him in your wonderful little story as a late entry!"(Whips out plate of freshly baked cookies)."If you do you can have cookie".

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service