for A Fantasy From Foreign Continents8/11/2010 c3 
8Erin da half-vamp demi god
ok this story is all about detail and description you want to know whats happening also in words i mean if you see a person its not easy to get every little detail unless your just full out staring and cheeking that person out! you need words! you need more people i would suggest making some characters up because right in your story Percy is really OOC and Nico a little bit OOC but that is because he's not in this that much.Fire shouldn't have had a friend at camp yet i mean she's from damn England she wouldn't have a friend that goes back and forward from US to England.
i don't know if Mitchie is a real person or not...
8Erin da half-vamp demi godok this story is all about detail and description you want to know whats happening also in words i mean if you see a person its not easy to get every little detail unless your just full out staring and cheeking that person out! you need words! you need more people i would suggest making some characters up because right in your story Percy is really OOC and Nico a little bit OOC but that is because he's not in this that much.Fire shouldn't have had a friend at camp yet i mean she's from damn England she wouldn't have a friend that goes back and forward from US to England.
i don't know if Mitchie is a real person or not...
8/11/2010 c3 sara253xxx
omg! I just found this story but it AMAZING! XD
PLEEEAAASSEEE keep writing! I love percy Jackson! 3
omg! I just found this story but it AMAZING! XD
PLEEEAAASSEEE keep writing! I love percy Jackson! 3
8/11/2010 c1 3Hahs
Just to let you know, in your first paragraph you wrote 'sixth grade'... I'm English and here, we don't have grades. We have years. If you've just turned twelve, you're in year seven, and if you're twelve and turning thirteen, you're in year eight. Just a tip.
3HahsJust to let you know, in your first paragraph you wrote 'sixth grade'... I'm English and here, we don't have grades. We have years. If you've just turned twelve, you're in year seven, and if you're twelve and turning thirteen, you're in year eight. Just a tip.
7/15/2010 c2 8Erin da half-vamp demi god
the diary thing does not work! your putting a random date at the top of the story and it sounds nothing like a diary entery, just a normal story, unless she's the one making it up and writing it down.
Conner and Travis do not have gray eyes they have bright blue eyes or baby blues, however you want to describe it. they are not sons of Athena, they are sons of Hermes
your making things up, Mr. D doesn't have an office, or a name tag with a desk, he is just some random camp director, camp directors don't have offices normally they will just have a room or cabin to stay in. Mr. D would probably be in the big house, if she meets him he would probably be waiting for her by playing cards with Chiron, and lights should be on somewhere, would Mr. D sit in the dark?
why did Charlie and Firissa come into camp by going through the monster infested woods? that is just like suicide, they weren't armed and they could of died end of story!
you need work on your story i'd drop the diary thing and write it just in her POV, for another thing your skipping stuff so that makes you sound sloppy, you don't want a sloppy story.
8Erin da half-vamp demi godthe diary thing does not work! your putting a random date at the top of the story and it sounds nothing like a diary entery, just a normal story, unless she's the one making it up and writing it down.
Conner and Travis do not have gray eyes they have bright blue eyes or baby blues, however you want to describe it. they are not sons of Athena, they are sons of Hermes
your making things up, Mr. D doesn't have an office, or a name tag with a desk, he is just some random camp director, camp directors don't have offices normally they will just have a room or cabin to stay in. Mr. D would probably be in the big house, if she meets him he would probably be waiting for her by playing cards with Chiron, and lights should be on somewhere, would Mr. D sit in the dark?
why did Charlie and Firissa come into camp by going through the monster infested woods? that is just like suicide, they weren't armed and they could of died end of story!
you need work on your story i'd drop the diary thing and write it just in her POV, for another thing your skipping stuff so that makes you sound sloppy, you don't want a sloppy story.
7/9/2010 c1 LeighAnn2201
It's very funny and descriptive. I liked it like the name Firissa, by the way. I like the beginning part of your chapter in paticular. The "Dear Journal? Nope, writing that doesn't make it sound any bit less stupid. Whatever." That was really amusing.
It's very funny and descriptive. I liked it like the name Firissa, by the way. I like the beginning part of your chapter in paticular. The "Dear Journal? Nope, writing that doesn't make it sound any bit less stupid. Whatever." That was really amusing.
6/20/2010 c1 Erin da half-vamp demi god
ok um... well you need to put in more details about her life, i know nothing about her mum and dad, i mean does she know she's adopted, or is she not adopted? and you keep putting in little stupid notes that are easily guessed, you need to describe more about Fire, and at the end i had to read the last thing twice before i realized it was an A/N, try bold print next time. i think you also need to have more of a scenery picture i mean i just see a girl walking in the middle of no where, then she sees a floating burning green house, she shouldn't have known about Charlie being half goat.
there are lots of things that need to be improved, you should try to add more to your paragraphs, and you make way too many than necessary, i think thats because you wanted a long chapter,
put all of this into thought and try editing the story a little, and then write your chapter and it might make some improvements
ok um... well you need to put in more details about her life, i know nothing about her mum and dad, i mean does she know she's adopted, or is she not adopted? and you keep putting in little stupid notes that are easily guessed, you need to describe more about Fire, and at the end i had to read the last thing twice before i realized it was an A/N, try bold print next time. i think you also need to have more of a scenery picture i mean i just see a girl walking in the middle of no where, then she sees a floating burning green house, she shouldn't have known about Charlie being half goat.
there are lots of things that need to be improved, you should try to add more to your paragraphs, and you make way too many than necessary, i think thats because you wanted a long chapter,
put all of this into thought and try editing the story a little, and then write your chapter and it might make some improvements