Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Under The Stars

10/2/2017 c1 G
This fic is goddamn amazing! Loved the kisses!
10/24/2016 c1 2CrimeazHero
Cool story! I've always liked the Mia x Rhys pairing :)
4/9/2015 c1 80May Ravenstaff
I'm not sure I would call that a lemon. It was implied, yeah but there wasn't any graphic description like lemons typically have

Aside from that bit, I loved it. Just seeing the characters act as they do is fun to read, and I love Mia. Excellent build up to the moment as well!
8/3/2013 c1 18LoZfan86
Cute! I liked it a lot! Going straight to my favs! :)
4/1/2013 c1 20010001
Why did I think this was about Soren...?

Anyway, hey Angel, I know this is a little late, but I wanted to check out something you worked on. I'm going to assume your writing has improved in three years, though, so you should probably take everything here with a grain of salt.

Critique first. I found the first part of this to lack a purpose, where Boyd and Rolf's little antic should come off as comedic and help to paint the scene, it really only delays what the good part of your fic is about. I can definitely attest to wanting to paint the scene and putting us at the table with the mercenaries, but it may be better to wrote what you did in a narrative instead of dialogue. Despite how well written it is (and it is well written) its a little tedious to read.

There's also so much going on its impossible for the reader to really focus on the the relationship you're creating. For example, by the time Rhys shows up, we've already had dealings with almost every one of the Greil Mercenaries. I would assume that you were attempting to create some kind of seg-way into the Rhys-Mia interaction, but I think in this case you tried TOO hard.

You're grammar is solid, however, I did notice a few instances of tense errors.

[Later in the night, the saint and trueblade fell asleep in each other's arms.] I would suggest Later THAT night to avoid the confusion.

Little nitpicky thing, but this is good enough to where I think I can point this out. You might want to try using Ashera (or Ashunera, in this time-frame) just to avoid repetition. Further, although I love what you did with Rhys's devotion to his religion, I feel like his transformation is a little sudden and awkward. Almost appears as if he surrenders it for a passing fling, or physical intimacy. Kissing is romantic, but give us some more of WHY he is doing this, where his love comes from.

Now the good. For your first fic, and it appears as though this was, this was an exemplary piece. I mean, most first fics I can give a ton more criticism, but with yours I'm not distressed with nearly as much. You're writing is very fluid, grammar: very good other than a few small moments of missed proofreading (which happens to everything) and you have a strong control over the language and voice of your characters.

I would say your main issue her is just with the actual story telling itself, which comes with practice, and will come with practice I'm sorry. So don't worry about that writers' block! Just start throwing stuff out there!

Write on.

(PS Sorry, I would look at your other stuff, but they are both unfamiliar areas to me)
9/16/2012 c1 27FullmetalWizard1995
I LIKE this pairing! And this is cute. SO cute! I can totally picture it... nice job!
1/17/2011 c1 17shinigamivc
Awww that was adorable! I'm just replaying PoR now and my love of these two has been reignited. What a great story! Very well-written too! Loved it!
8/22/2010 c1 23SniperGYS
Awwwww so cute :D! love the little history~
7/19/2010 c1 2Cristal Momo Star
As you have demanded almighty queen Elincia I shall Review! XD I agree completely with the D'AWWWWWWWW I do love this pair so much. Thanks for writing/posting this story, it's so good~

Boyd and Rolf at the beginning made me chuckle, because it's so like them :D
7/18/2010 c1 8PINKDIAMOND4000
Aww they are so cute together! But I like MiaXSoren too, and TitaniaxRhys but I do have to admit that they make a wonderful couple too :D
6/26/2010 c1 biabarr92
That was cute story. The characters seem in character and the writing was good
6/26/2010 c1 7TheSilverHairedMaiden
Awww! I loved it, even though I can't imagine Rhys with a sword.

Copying the review before this, I also would love for you to review my story, The Maiden's Shadow. It's RD based. Haha, I think we started a trend!

Great story :D
6/25/2010 c1 7cazcappy
good story...both characters had their distinct personalities and you did a good job overall and keep making good stories like these...p.s. now you have to read and review the story I have in progress...it's called Dawn of Destiny...and you will please review it ;) DOOOOO IT XXD

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service