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for TLA plus 1 Satty

2/28/2012 c1 4tetekanui
This was fast-paced, maybe a little extremely so for a first chapter, where the reader is just finding his/her bearings and getting to know the world and the established characters, but I liked that it started directly in the action. Keeping all the names straight and everyone's relationship to each other was difficult for me. I'll admit to being completely unfamiliar with Golden Sun, and so this was a shot in the dark for me.

The writing was mostly solid, which was what initially kept me reading. There are places that could use refinement and polish, certainly, but every error is either small or a matter of opinion/personal taste. An example of the latter would be how I don't like the repetition of describing the men in the beginning as "middle-aged" and "aged" respectively. An example of the former would be the use of "Titling" instead of "Tilting". I found dialogue to be consistently medieval-esque in tone for the most part, although there were moments when modernisms slipped in.

Personally, I don't like flashbacks. I prefer learning backstory through subtle actions and reactions of characters, as well as character conversations, or maybe even narrative while a character is musing about the past, but a plain flashback? I mean, it can be done well. However, here, it seemed out of place and in my opinion disrupted the flow in its placement. I also didn't really understand what happened in the flashback, so clarity is an issue, and the transitions from story to flashback and back again were unprofessional. It seemed unnecessary and uninteresting to me.

I am interested to know more about the "Proxian" though. I wonder what that term means, if perhaps Prox is a planet. I noticed that some characters are labelled with planet names. If they are aliens, that would be pretty awesome. Another grammatical note: "Barely". -That period should be inside the quotation marks.

Okay. So. I was reading along, and I come across this sentence: "It was a short trek from Idejima to the small Indran town, but they still managed to get jumped by some undead skeletons, and Jenna managed to get her staff cursed."-Um, WHAT? ...WHAT? Now THAT is something that deserves a flashback. Seriously, what? That sounds so awesome! I was disappointed that you glossed over such an intriguing scenario, although perhaps it is part of canon. I wouldn't know. All I know is that I'd much rather have a zombie/cursed staff flashback instead of that bit we received about Saturos.

I am also interested in seeing more about this Menardi fellow - he sounds nasty, but his name rocks. Doesn't it always seem to go that way? As well as who exactly Isaac is. There seems to be a lot of tension in the group; apparently the women don't trust Saturos (from what I can glean, it's hard to keep people straight because so often you call them "the Mars adept" or something like that before you've really firmly established them, so they're not easy to differentiate). And apparently Saturos was DEAD, not just passed out. Huh.

The last section of this chapter seemed to end on a rather abrupt note. It had a rushed feeling to it as well; good chapter overall, and interesting even if a little confusing.
7/24/2010 c1 Kaeso Corvinus
Intriguing concept, I'll be watching for updates. =)
7/8/2010 c1 4Carolusrising
Intressting
7/6/2010 c1 silverstaraptor
It's quite nice to see a decent AU, much less one in which the Proxians survive. Good grammer/spelling, nice plot, and most of all, Saturos! ^^ I look forward to the next chapter.

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