for One and the Same, Answers7/26/2010 c4 
16Mochytea
This is very interesting! But i do have a few issues.
First, i dont know if this is the point, but you used waay too many pronouns without identifying the actual people. I also think that you should mention from whos point of view is the story being told from and whos who. For example, you switch between houndoors and charizards story on and off without telling whose story is whose. So i often got confused and had to read a little more to actually figure out whats going on.
But its a great story. Keep writing!
16MochyteaThis is very interesting! But i do have a few issues.
First, i dont know if this is the point, but you used waay too many pronouns without identifying the actual people. I also think that you should mention from whos point of view is the story being told from and whos who. For example, you switch between houndoors and charizards story on and off without telling whose story is whose. So i often got confused and had to read a little more to actually figure out whats going on.
But its a great story. Keep writing!
7/21/2010 c3 Luxray
wow, there's a lot of suspense in this chapter! The battle to come will definitely be one to remember! I'm really looking forward to it!
wow, there's a lot of suspense in this chapter! The battle to come will definitely be one to remember! I'm really looking forward to it!
7/19/2010 c2 3flarafeon
hello frest I wold like to say my splling my be a tad off I dont rele have lot to say wale I dont reed a lot of stroys that are in pragis but i will keep reviewing thats all
3flarafeonhello frest I wold like to say my splling my be a tad off I dont rele have lot to say wale I dont reed a lot of stroys that are in pragis but i will keep reviewing thats all
7/14/2010 c2 EchoingSongs
Great Job! I love your writing and I can't wait for the next chapter! I think your grammar was okay in this chapter, but there were a few places of misunderstandings. Still love it though!
Great Job! I love your writing and I can't wait for the next chapter! I think your grammar was okay in this chapter, but there were a few places of misunderstandings. Still love it though!
7/14/2010 c2 5WolfSummoner93
no problem Kay, i love helping you. whoot! Another mysterious egg xD
Awesome chapter, I'm loving Houndoom more and more. Can't wait for an update
5WolfSummoner93no problem Kay, i love helping you. whoot! Another mysterious egg xD
Awesome chapter, I'm loving Houndoom more and more. Can't wait for an update
7/9/2010 c1 Luxray LZS
Finally got an account; my review is the same as Luxray's, after all, I am him!
Finally got an account; my review is the same as Luxray's, after all, I am him!
7/9/2010 c1 Luxray
Amazing story! You know, when i showed One and the same to my school classmates and teachers, they actually wanted me to start making a movie about it! Really great, if you didn't use swear words you probably could have the story published XD
Amazing story! You know, when i showed One and the same to my school classmates and teachers, they actually wanted me to start making a movie about it! Really great, if you didn't use swear words you probably could have the story published XD
7/8/2010 c1 WolfSummoner93
... blood, knives and shiny things? IT'S ME! lol, not really. I love Houndoom, very grouchy with a VERY bad temper. Plus the fact she is an assassin makes her cooler. Awesoem chapter Kay, i'm glad for the seaquel. Can't wait for an update
... blood, knives and shiny things? IT'S ME! lol, not really. I love Houndoom, very grouchy with a VERY bad temper. Plus the fact she is an assassin makes her cooler. Awesoem chapter Kay, i'm glad for the seaquel. Can't wait for an update
7/8/2010 c1 16Mochytea
Yay! A sequel! I did found some stuff that needs fixing...:
[She was gorgeous, utterly stunning. Skin was perfect, and lightly tanned. Her hair was a shade of midnight, with silver streaks running through it. Her hair ended just above her waistline, and it shone with the predawn light above them.]
I think you meant [the predawn light above "it".]
[She grinned at a person she was talking too, showing off her fangs.]
She grinned at a person she was talking to, not too.
[Charizard and her Husband talked about plenty of things. They want Halfling's and Natural's to have their freedoms, and there's even a rumor that the creation of a new country for my kind is on its way.]
I don't think 'husband' is capitalized, and there shouldn't be an apostrophe in 'Halflings' and 'Naturals'.
["I wish to Hiroto Kanomi, he told me when I had a problem to find him here." I whispered to the lady at the desk, I kept my face hidden, and that made it look like I was sobbing.]
I think you forgot 'see' in the first part of the dialogue. "I wish to 'see' Hiroto Kanomi". I also think you should put a period after 'desk' to make two sentences.
I enjoyed killing, it was my version of video games, but with more of a punch with the adrenaline and all.]
Instead of a comma after 'killing', try a semicolon. I think it makes more sense.
[A younger I was screaming in pain.]
I'd think it was 'a younger me', but if that's grammatically incorrect, then 'a younger self' would sound better.
[Charizard was standing there, his orange hair whipping from the air pressure.]
I think Charizard is female...
[I knew in my minds eye that I was covered in flames, my eyes orbs of black.]
Mind's eye.
[A low voice whispered in my ear, its strong arms tightened around me. ]
I'm pretty sure that voices don't have arms, so maybe you can reword it like this: A low voice whispered in my ear, strong arms tightening around me.
But that's just a suggestion.
["Now, Charizard. Please leave us right now, you just made her lose control, which you might have noticed it, very bad indeed."]
'"Now Charizard, please leave us right now. You just made her lose control, which you might have noticed, is very bad indeed."'
I think you need to reword this, too. I just gave what I think.
[I was so absorbed into my own world, I know it's selfish, but that's I.]
'"I was so absorbed into my own world. I know it's selfish, but that's me."'
Call it grammatically incorrect, but I think more people are used to me, not I in that last part.
[It circled my mind]
I'm curious, what circled her mind?
["I'm sorry, she left. Come on, calm down, its okay."]
What is he sorry for? For bringing Charizard? And it is 'it's okay] with an apostrophe.
Sorry for all of these critiques, but I couldn't help but point them out. I'm often compelled to fix grammatical errors...
And I was a bit confused in the beginning who was narrating the story. Only on my second read did I realize it was Houndoom. I think you should let it drop somehow who is who in the story. And mention whose point of view is whose.
But keep writing! And that's a scary Houndoom...
16MochyteaYay! A sequel! I did found some stuff that needs fixing...:
[She was gorgeous, utterly stunning. Skin was perfect, and lightly tanned. Her hair was a shade of midnight, with silver streaks running through it. Her hair ended just above her waistline, and it shone with the predawn light above them.]
I think you meant [the predawn light above "it".]
[She grinned at a person she was talking too, showing off her fangs.]
She grinned at a person she was talking to, not too.
[Charizard and her Husband talked about plenty of things. They want Halfling's and Natural's to have their freedoms, and there's even a rumor that the creation of a new country for my kind is on its way.]
I don't think 'husband' is capitalized, and there shouldn't be an apostrophe in 'Halflings' and 'Naturals'.
["I wish to Hiroto Kanomi, he told me when I had a problem to find him here." I whispered to the lady at the desk, I kept my face hidden, and that made it look like I was sobbing.]
I think you forgot 'see' in the first part of the dialogue. "I wish to 'see' Hiroto Kanomi". I also think you should put a period after 'desk' to make two sentences.
I enjoyed killing, it was my version of video games, but with more of a punch with the adrenaline and all.]
Instead of a comma after 'killing', try a semicolon. I think it makes more sense.
[A younger I was screaming in pain.]
I'd think it was 'a younger me', but if that's grammatically incorrect, then 'a younger self' would sound better.
[Charizard was standing there, his orange hair whipping from the air pressure.]
I think Charizard is female...
[I knew in my minds eye that I was covered in flames, my eyes orbs of black.]
Mind's eye.
[A low voice whispered in my ear, its strong arms tightened around me. ]
I'm pretty sure that voices don't have arms, so maybe you can reword it like this: A low voice whispered in my ear, strong arms tightening around me.
But that's just a suggestion.
["Now, Charizard. Please leave us right now, you just made her lose control, which you might have noticed it, very bad indeed."]
'"Now Charizard, please leave us right now. You just made her lose control, which you might have noticed, is very bad indeed."'
I think you need to reword this, too. I just gave what I think.
[I was so absorbed into my own world, I know it's selfish, but that's I.]
'"I was so absorbed into my own world. I know it's selfish, but that's me."'
Call it grammatically incorrect, but I think more people are used to me, not I in that last part.
[It circled my mind]
I'm curious, what circled her mind?
["I'm sorry, she left. Come on, calm down, its okay."]
What is he sorry for? For bringing Charizard? And it is 'it's okay] with an apostrophe.
Sorry for all of these critiques, but I couldn't help but point them out. I'm often compelled to fix grammatical errors...
And I was a bit confused in the beginning who was narrating the story. Only on my second read did I realize it was Houndoom. I think you should let it drop somehow who is who in the story. And mention whose point of view is whose.
But keep writing! And that's a scary Houndoom...