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for The Parent Trap

7/20/2010 c1 6PBrules
I’m reviewing this as part of the review-tag game.

I don’t actually know Glee, so won’t be able to be that much help on characterisation but will give my opinions of how realistic the emotions/memories were.

Generally I thought you did a very good job with this. I think you captured Kurt’s enthusiasm nicely, as he bounded about trying to match make because he wants a family. The memories I thought added to the story, the laundry one was quite sweet in particular. I liked the chatty, very teen-age thoughts that Kurt had as well. It seemed natural.

***

I wondered if you meant to use a different word, other than corny below. I would have expected Kurt to recognise his previous comment (about dead spouses) was worse than corny (unless he was supposed to be pretty socially inept).

You put:

I realize a moment later that that's probably a corny thing to say, but nonetheless, they totally hit it off, talking about…acid wash, or whatever.

You could have put:

I realize a moment later that was a monumental gaffe, but nonetheless, after a brief moment of awkwardness they totally hit it off, talking about…acid wash, or whatever.

***

There were a few other little things that sprang to mind which you may find useful.

Your opening: I've planned this for weeks, and finally, it's here.

I thought this was good but would have been stronger if you’d put: I've planned this for weeks, and finally, my chance has arrived.

Or the moment has arrived.

Purely stylistic and I don’t think there was anything wrong per se with your start.

***

I felt like you slipped tenses here (past to future):

You put: “My mother actually loved to bake. Yeah, I know, it sounds cheesy—she bakes, she does laundry, she's the dream mother, blah, blah, blah. But seriously, she was really good at it.”

I felt it should have been: “My mother actually loved to bake. Yeah, I know, it sounds cheesy—she baked, she did laundry, she was the dream mother, blah, blah, blah. But seriously, she was really good at it.”

Anyway good job on this and keep writing!

PBRules

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