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for Everglow : The Story of the Saved Ones

12/16/2010 c3 1VampingSolace
Lovely story, I am completely hooked. Please, do write further asap (:

VS
10/8/2010 c3 sujari6
Interesting chapter.Please update again soon.
9/13/2010 c1 InkAddict89
Love this first chapter! I hope you will continue to write/post more soon!
8/14/2010 c1 5Bell 1
Well, I guess the same thing sort of goes for this story.

I like this story so far. However, your reviewer 'bellezza danneggiata' has a point. You do need to do away with the one line paragraphs. There are so many of your one line or short paragraphs that can be merged together into one paragraph.

The one line or short paragraphs make a story difficult to read and tends to lose the interest of your reader(s).

Yes, there are also some spelling and grammar errors that could be adjusted as well, but they are not anything too terrible (I have read MUCH worse).

One suggestion, re-read your chapter as if you are a first time reader rather than the author. This will allow you to fill in any "holes" that may be in the chapter. These "holes" leave the reader trying to figure out what is going on or guessing.

Again, I like this story and look forward to see where it is going. In order to make it more interesting to other readers, you really should think about combining many of your one line paragraphs into one paragraph. No, not one long paragraph, but rather, combine like sentences into one paragraph.

FOR EXAMPLE (from chapter 1):

I was sitting at my usual lunch table, surrounded by all sorts of happy teenagers with their own stupid problems.

Well, at least could they actually solve their fucking problems, I thought.

I looked at my tray of food.

It was as interesting and looked as delicious as usual… not.

Everyone says that the school system cared about their student's health, but why in the name of God do they serve food that no one would dare to give to their cats, to their precious students then?

It was horrific.

SHOULD BE:

I was sitting at my usual lunch table, surrounded by all sorts of happy teenagers with their own stupid problems. Well, at least could they actually solve their fucking problems, I thought.

I looked at my tray of food. It was as interesting and looked as delicious as usual…not. Everyone says that the school system cared about their student's health, but why in the name of God do they serve food that no one would dare to give to their cats to their precious students then? It was horrific.

Also, you may consider doing an outline of your story so you know what you want in each chapter. This will allow you to be able to stay on track as to where you would like your story to go.

Slow down and tell the story, but don't slow down so much that your are putting too much into your story because you can lose your readers. Once again, re-read your story/chapter as if you are a first time reader. This way you MAY catch something you didn't put into the story but meant to; the part (or holes) the reader tries to fill in on their own.

I did notice you tend to use the word 'hear' for 'hair'. Hear is closer to the word 'listen'. Whereas the word 'hair' refers to the stuff that grows on top of our heads.

Be patient, this is a new story. Having only 8 reviews in less than a month is not to shabby for a new author. I know you want reviews and want your story to take off, but be patient.

I am curious to see where this story goes. On to the next chapter!
7/18/2010 c2 7bellezza danneggiata
ended up having some spare time before work so thought I would take a look at your stories.

First up, it is a very interesting story line. I am very picky with what I read but I really like this already.

You've mentioned your Beta in both chapters so far, and if you have a Beta well then they should have pointed out some of the grammatical errors and also, try not to write one line at a time. The bigger the content in a paragraph, the better your writing becomes.

This story seems like one where you could possibly lose yourself and go off track so make sure you don't do that. Stick to your main ideas and base the rest around them, not drawing it out too much but also not being bang bang bang, if you get what I mean.

So far it is good, and I would love to read more.

Good work.
7/18/2010 c1 6EmmaLee Masen
I love your story. I am so glad you asked me to Beta for you!
7/18/2010 c2 6HowlAtTheMoon123
really, really, really, good (:
7/18/2010 c2 15ammNI
Wonderful second chapter.

~Anna-Margaret

xx
7/18/2010 c1 ammNI
This seems really good and intriguing. I like Dark Bella and the Dark Cullens are cool! I would suggest that you speak to your beta about paragraphing - I can be a little pedantic when it comes to grammar and punctuation. Apart from that this is really excellent and I hope to read more soon!

~Anna-Margaret

xx
7/17/2010 c2 sujari6
Interesting chapter. Please update soon.
7/17/2010 c2 2undyneorgana
^_^
7/16/2010 c1 undyneorgana
Hmm, very interesting. Usually Twilight fics aren't my thing, but this seems to have a lot of potential. I look forward to your next update. ^.^

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