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for Close to My Heart

11/10/2010 c2 5DustyPhoenix
Can't wait to see what happens next! Please update! Don't torture me! You haven't updated in ages!
7/24/2010 c2 5Delia Anole
I hate to be the bearer of bad news... But... One place you forgot a space.

"I'll tell her where she is and all that." "Of course, dear, you are so smart."

Needs a space!

Why didn't she freak out when they knew her name? Is it because she is a princess and gets that all of the time?

How come she can nwalk so easily with such bad injuries? I think you should add an unusual clumsiness to her because of her ankle. And her stomach would feel horribly stiff as she walked. No one can overcome things like that so easily. Or, instead of saying that she slept through that one day, maybe the next few and she wasn't sure how many. That way, we readers have no judgement of how fast she is healing. We wouldn't know how many days.

I am very glad you chose to do the spacing! It made me able to focus on the story way more! I like this plot so far! A ton! It kind of reminds me of Pride and Prejudice.
7/21/2010 c1 Delia Anole
Begging for reviews is one of my hobbies too! Smile!

First Fic? It is always nerve racking to see how many reviewers you get. I'm glad I saw this!

But, I want to get rid of helpful advise first. You're paragraphs are huge. While reading, I could definately see spots where you could make them smaller. When a person talks to another you can press enter in between. Allow me to give an example...

"I did," I said with a defeated sigh, "but I didn't think that you would actually follow that custom."

"Well, I would and I am," he said resolutely. "And when Corinna turns sixteen, I will have this same conversation with her."

The space is very helpful to readers. Besides that, you can have space in between other sections... One thought to the next... Like... Err... Allow me another example...

Corinna and I both nodded excitedly in agreement and made a quick promise. Father then had one of our servants, Elden, walk us to the stables.

As I walked up to my beautiful chestnut brown horse, Bima, I felt the weight that had settled on my shoulders after breakfast this morning disappear.

Really helpful to the reader. I suggest you go back through it and put the spaces. I'm sure that you will have more readesr. Why? It is a trick of the mind. When we see a huge paragraph we think, "That is going to take forever. I don't have time for this." We see many divided ones, we are more easily able to except the story and think of what is going on... Plus, in such huge paragraphs it is easy to loose your place.

I liked the idea of the story. I liked the dramatic ending as well. It leaves with a cliffhanger. I can imagine that her father would be feeling bad. He drove his child away. It may take some maturing, but after a while he would be upset!

Poor Corinna! She just wanted to be a helpfu lsister, and now... Her sister is fleeing! For all she knows, she could become queen next! Very shocking situation!

I'm excited for more!

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