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1/15/2013 c1 Guest
just click on the damn link. ask
1/26/2011 c4 Logical Paradox
Hello Aria657,

This is a really good story, and I hope you decide to continue it. The story line is very stimulating, and there is really no spelling or grammar errors, which I think is praise worthy. You really know how to express your thoughts clearly and organize them in an eye pleasing manner. I really do think that you have the untapped makings of an amazingly good author.

Warning: I’m about to attempt to help you along the process of becoming and epic author, by providing some “corrective criticism” (Yay!). If I offend you in any way or cause you to feel that I have been unfair in the assessment of your work, feel free to send me hate mail.

I’m sure this is one of the things that any fanfic author fears to hear, but there might be a tad MarySue-ness going on when it come to you three main girls characters. Fortunately, it’s nothing that is unforgivable or that can’t be fixed, with a little more emotional depth, character weaknesses and more positive attention to supporting characters (eg, random people who the character fights).

One way I attempt to avoid MarySue-ness, although I’m not sure if I succeed, is to remember who’s point of view it is, and what they should be allowed to think. For example, if a story is written from Alanna’s point of view, it would be presumptuous of the author to write: {Alanna sat down “gracefully” and although her makeup was smudged from crying, because she was a “kindhearted” person, “the people around her still thought she looked beautiful” despite her disheveled appearance.}

Another way I attempt to combat MarySue-ness is to remember that the main character(s) should be allowed to lose, and should lose often or there would be little to no conflict in the story. If they win, they should have to work for it cause it’s more interesting that way (Muh-ha-ha-ha!).

Anyways, I hope I didn’t cause offense, and that you decide to continue the story whether you choose to take my advice or not.
9/9/2010 c4 4Lady Lake97
this is really good! you know if you want more reviews you should try and put some of the names from the book into your summary. then once people search those names your story will come up and more people will be able to find it.

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