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for The Roses on My Grave

5/26/2017 c1 1eavendil1
Beautifully sad. Loved it.
8/6/2012 c1 Lauren
What the what. My roommate's name is Hannah Skye Jensen. Can you predict the future?...
8/25/2010 c1 2A round of artificiality
I liked your after-story, even though it was slightly too dramatic. Okay, this must be the longest review in history but I really wanted to help so please read it through and take notice of

my comments.

'Clay did this every year – he knew the way by heart and could possibly do it blind folded but he liked to remember.'

Correct Format: 'Clay did this every year – he knew the way by heart, and could possibly walk through it blind-folded. But he liked to remember' I have a question though: what did you

mean by 'he liked to remember'? You mean he wanted to walk blind-folded but he's not doing that 'cause he wants to remember? Check this please.

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'It closed down three years ago – it was real old and they were placing (building is better, technically) a new theater there, it just wasn't the same anymore.'

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'He knew that someone slid into the seat next to him but he barely noticed them (her) until the person cleared their (her) throat.' It sounds wrong to make that one person into plural,

even if it's unknown whether it's a she or a he. I turned it to female since it made more sense, but if you wanted it be more suspenful or anything, try to rephrase the sentence in a way

that doesn't reveal the gender...etc.

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'He sat down at the bar and the cashier handed him his regular banana – and – peanut – butter shake – they never asked him why he did this every year – they just had his shake ready

for him.' This sentence didn't flow; there were too many dashes and interuptions that it became confusing.

My suggestion: 'He sat down at the bar and the cashier handed him his regular shake, ready for him. They never asked him why he came in every year.'

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'"Clay, is that you," the voice asked him shocked.' The puncuation was lacking here. Correct format would be (rephrased the second part to make it more creditable): '"Clay–is that you?"

her voice indicated shock.'

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'Clay knew that voice and he did not need to turn to see why they (she) were (was) shocked to see him.'

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'"Are you staying long," Jessica asked.' You wrote, 'Jessica asked' but where's the question mark? Instead of the comma, add a question mark.

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'She asked him every time and his answer had always been the same.' If she asked him everytime, that meant she saw him often. Then why was she shocked that it was Clay at the

beginning? Another thing: weren't they all living in the same town? Why did Jess come visit Hannah's grave only three times a year and Clay only once? Plus, doesn't he ever go to Rosie's?

Only once a year on the day he visits her just to remember her by drinking the shake that reminded him of her? It's a bit too far-stretched if you ask me.

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'"I meant Hannah Baker," Clay informed her. (add a comma here instead of the period) "I see you sometimes visit her grave."' How does he get to see her sometimes if he comes once a

year?

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'a couple were suicide, three from natural causes, 2 (if you wrote the numbers earlier in words, then continue it since this simple thing makes your writing inconsistent and it distracted

me. You can either change the 2 to a 'two' or the 'three' to a 3) from murder, and five from car accidents'

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'"Does your husband go with you," Clay asked her.' Question mark-Question mark, pay attention to it.

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'Jessica had married someone she had met and then dated while she had been in college.' Better format: 'Jessica had married someone she'd met and dated while she'd been in college.'

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'Preston wanted more money then he deserved (comma) especially due to his widely (preferably, add a dash)known infidelity.'

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'Jessica had the misfortune of walking in on Preston with his secretary.' I found this redundant and unneccesary. it would be better to be deleted because the sentence right after gave

the same mesage.

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'When she had come back to throw his stuff at him and kick him out of the house as well as get the copy of the house key she had made for him when they had married, she had found

him with his business partner's secretary.' This is a mouthful. You need to trim this sentence down, make it clearer and better. Suggestion: 'When Jessica came back to throw him and his

stuff out of the house, as well as get the copy of the house-key, she found him with his business partner's secretary.' This is still long, but it's smoother.

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'The whole town had her displeasure at this – Jessica was real LOUD.' Rephrasing: 'The whole town had the pleasure of hearing it all - Jessica was pretty loud.'

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'He never will," Clay informed ('said to her' would be best, because using other words too much get repetitive and tiresome) her as he grabbed his coat to leave.'

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'Jessica nodded and once again watched Clay Jensen walk out of those doors.' Once again what? This also supports my earlier question about how she was shocked when she found him

at Rosie's at that same day he went to visit Hannah's grave annually. She knows he visits that same day she does. And how do you define 'once again'? Once a year?

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'"Why is someone who is dead have the full attention of my Jessica?"' Grammatical Correction: '"Why does someone who's dead has the full attention of my Jessica?"

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"Because Hannah cared," Clay informed (third time you used 'informed') him as he placed fresh flowers in place of his old ones.' He comes once a year, right? How can his old ones last a

year? I don't get it. I think you wrote on the spur of the moment, 'cause it doesn't make sense much.

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'Before Preston could respond to what Clay had said his wife, Skye Jensen nee Miller appeared by his side along with their three kids. ' Suggestion: 'Before Preston could respond back,

Clay's wife, Skye Jensen nee Miller, appeared by his side along with their three kids.'

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'The oldest being Evan Clay Jensen. The next being Hannah Skye Jensen. The youngest was Erica Regina Jensen.' This could be all put into one sentence, just so your sentences aren't

choppy. Correction/suggestion: 'The oldest being Evan Clay Jensen, the next being Hannah Skye Jensen, the youngest was Erica Regina Jensen'

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"Daddy," Erica said as she tugged on her father's coat. (comma) "Can we go home now?"

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'A small smile tugged ('played' would be the preferred choice on his lips')

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'She watched the family disappear and looked to (at) the marble wall.'

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Even though this story was awfully exaggerated (Clay and Jess's lives seemed to revolve around Hannah, thus the names of their children and the customs they made in her memory), it was a piece of good fiction. Just in need of a twang here and there. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I just love editing things and making them better. Good luck! :D

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