8/15/2010 c4 17Qu-ko
"Jaden did something when he won his duel against the duel spirit that caused it all, none of us know what and he won't talk about it with anyone."

Actually, he didn't really win since the duel technically ended without result (Yubel would've won if they'd kept going, probably), and he even told his friends in the first few episodes of the fourth season, when the abandoned dorm was destroyed. Jesse wasn't present since he'd returned to North School, but he did tell the ones that stayed at Duel Academy (which I think included Alexis, Chazz, Syrus, Atticus, and Hassleberry in that scene), and it's reasonable to assume he had a chance to tell him at some point after that - or that he already knew. He's not completely averse to talking about it if the subject comes up, though, unless Jesse's just assuming everything here.

Also, Syrus knows from being a witness to the whole thing - he was watching up until Yubel showed Jaden their past life, at which point he got blocked out. If Jaden didn't talk about it, Syrus probably would, since he was more or less entrusted the task of being a living record for Jaden's final duel against Yubel.

...Er, don't tell me you haven't actually watched it, have you? Season four, I mean. If not, I'd recommend watching it BEFORE you start writing fic that's supposed to take place in or replace season four, since it's subbed in its entirety on Youtube. It'll help you not make mistakes like that in the future, and it will also help with characterization, especially since I'm getting a more "younger" Jaden impression from him than supposedly mature, Yubel-fused Jaden. (If you have watched it, though... er, watch it again, I suppose - even if you've seen it once, canon review helps immensely if you have doubts.)

Speaking of Jesse, too, why is he heading back to Duel Academy, other than for convenience in shipping him with your OC? I keep rereading the fic, but I can't see anything in the chapter that justifies why he's the only one going back to DA and not back to North School like he was supposed to.

I still think the textbook abuse you tacked onto Jaden's backstory is pretty trite and unnecessary, though. He didn't really need any more ~*~twagic backstory~*~, and you're STILL shafting Yubel in favor of a more uninteresting past, I feel like - she would have been present in his past, and it's likely any siblings of Jaden would've known about her whether they can see/hear her or not. While I am glad it seems like you're not actively shoving the characters together immediately in the interests of simply pairing your favorites together (and getting Jesse out of the way of Jaden/Alexis, as many OCs paired with him exist to do)... it still seems repetitive, considering you're not the first to essentially take a butcher knife to his history in this fashion.

(And no, you can't tell me "don't like, don't read" again, because that is beyond ridiculous and will make you sound like an idiot.)

8/11/2010 c3 1k+reminiscent-afterthought
Nice chapter. Some good development there. So I'll just take this as an AU, simplifies things. I like how you've done Atticus' character, he really is quite perceptive when the need arises.

8/11/2010 c3 2MaemiSmile
dude, intense story here... i like it! XD

8/10/2010 c2 1k+reminiscent-afterthought
Hang on a sec. Chumley's gone. And Jim and Jesse stuck around? So season 4 AU? Maybe you should clarify that...

Anyway, good chapter. Can't wait for the next one.

8/9/2010 c1 17Qu-ko
Allow me to clarify, then, because of the oh-so-dazzling display of maturity below mine. I know you have a charming vendetta against me, but really, that wasn't necessary, and I'm pretty sure the author wasn't about to curse me out like that for such a petty thing.

Anyway, starting with the writing, it was... a little bland. You don't describe very much, at least not in the beginning of the first chapter - but some places have just enough, and at the same time, others are too thin and rushed and don't fit in as well. Though, you have good narration skills, I think. Could've been better, could've been worse.

The idea itself? I am a bit biased towards Yubel, myself, because the treatment of her by fanfic authors is absolutely disgusting nowadays, so people like to write her out and give Jaden a different backstory. Which... wouldn't be so bad if people didn't have a nasty habit of throwing in unnecessary things, like siblings and tragic pasts. Which this is, in a nutshell. I can't comment much on the plot as a whole, because it's only two chapters in, but like I said, there is no fourth year, so if you must, you'd be better off overwriting the third and fourth seasons - though I wouldn't exactly recommend doing that either, since I'm kind of jaded at the thought that any doctored rendition of Jaden's past involving a sister and a drunkard father instead of Yubel is going to make much things more exciting, unless you really know what you're doing. Still, the best time to set a fic like this would be post-season, in any case.

Also, since I'm guessing this is going to be a Jaden/Alexis fic - the last thing you want to do in that case is make him love her right off the bat to make things "convenient". Unless he was just being sarcastic about that bit about "that's why I love her" and didn't mean romantic love, he doesn't... actually have any romantic feelings for her, in truth. Hence why she never confessed, because she knew it, among other reasons. You'll want to take it slow with them, and above all, not rush anything, because in the end, they're not the most compatible match for either character, so you have to do a lot of slow, subtle manipulating of characters to make it work out properly.

...And that's about all I can come up with for now. Sorry for the curt review before - I had been rushed out the door while I was writing it, so I didn't really get to expand on anything.

8/9/2010 c1 Usagisama68
Okay, so I'm reviewing the first chapter after the second because I just saw Qu-Ko's review and needed to say something.

Shut, the hell up you poor, miserable basterd wanting to ruin everyones fun.

Seriously! I have seen you review alot of other stories (as well as my own) and I havn't seen you say one, just one good thing about them!

No-one likes you, well apart from your fellow fanfiction patrol squad.

This is you:

That person actually wrote a good story. Good good writing. Good start. WAIT! OMG! THEY GAVE JADEN A SISTER! THAT RUINS EVRYTHING ABOUT THIS AND IS NOW THE WORST STORY EVER! I'M GOING TO BITCH OFF ABOUT IT AND HURT HER FEELINGS!

Get a LIFE Qu-ko! 'Cause your not wanted here.

So just f*** off.

Love this story, up date soon. PLEASE! (does chibi Jaden puppy eyes)

8/9/2010 c2 17Qu-ko
It's not "giving her grief" when it's TRUE.

There is no fourth year. Japanese high school students only go to school for tenth, eleventh, and twelfth grade (ninth is part of middle school), and I've never heard of any country going to school for thirteenth grade, myself, unless they stayed back a year or something. So really, calling it AU and handwaving doesn't really cut it. Even so, though, it seems to be AU in every other aspect anyway, so you might as well just say you wrote out the third and fourth seasons and replaced them with this.

...And Yubel too, which is tasteless, but I have a sinking feeling you wrote HER out as well in order to give Jaden a sister. Because Yubel + Jaden with a sister = kind of ruins his backstory. Writing her out because she's ugly and evil and whatever other excuses people pile on her for being OMG TERRIBLE is not a good writing technique, considering what an important part of Jaden's character she is.