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for The Curse of the Lions

5/19/2014 c2 9DauntlessCake29
ok, good story line, but bad grammar!

you probably don't see it. but here's an example:

you wrote: Kayley roared and said angrily, "you should have killed her, not be friends with her."

what i suggest: Kayley roared. "you should have killed her, not become friends with her." she said angrily.

you are writing with a mixture of future tense and past tense. instead of announcing that they are going to speak, then the actual words come, how about writing what they say, then ending with "she said" or "he said loudly". i hope this is helpful, and otherwise, GREAT STORYLINE!
12/2/2013 c4 Guest
What songs did uYou use in this chapter?! Sorry I'm just a big fan of your stories.
8/23/2013 c3 Guest
Oh god! This is quickly becoming Twilight with Disney characters! Only with even worse grammar! I suspended my apprehension for two whole chapters, but I can no longer do so. My brain hurts.
8/23/2013 c1 Guest
Three major problems.
A. The grammar
B. The character defilement
C. THE GRAMMAR! THE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE GRAMMAR! IT BURNS!

That this is a magical land where all Disney (and a few non-Disney) characters all go to high school together... I am willing to accept. I am even willing to accept Jim's curse of "I'm a werewolf, only with lions." However, giving him a father seriously messes with not just the cannon but the CHARACTER.
Treasure Planet won much of my respect, despite the fact that Disney doing Sci-Fi is NEVER meant to happen because it is the ONLY Disney movie since Bambi and The Lion King for a main character to have a REALISTIC REACTION TO PARENT LOSS.
The fact that his father abandoned him causes a great deal of internal turmoil in the movie and it is that loss that makes him what he is, as well as what drives the CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
Also? The whole broody "I am a monster" thing? So cliche it hurts, almost as badly as the grammar. I won't even get started on the grammar. If you want help with that, get an editor.
8/23/2013 c2 Mia Ariana
Your story just beautiful I love it berry cute brining Jim and Ariel together best idea ever
8/18/2013 c13 Sarah
I'm wolfloverforever26
I love this story of yours, it's awesome. I look forward to your new chapters, and the new clips on YouTube.
5/8/2013 c13 14Rain of the Forest
AGH!
5/7/2013 c5 Rain of the Forest
So they basically have the forms of Disney animals?
5/4/2013 c1 Rain of the Forest
Don't tell me the wolf was Eric...
10/28/2012 c1 Alan Sanders
Have you ever talked to the Disney Corporation in setting up a contract with you to put your story on their channels?
10/15/2012 c11 Guest
i love this song! if only jim had heard those last 3-4 lines and had his heart shattered at watching her sing her last note. cruel, i know but it makes for a good plot bit.
9/27/2012 c1 2Ettiera
I LOVE this story and the continued parts please write more
7/11/2012 c13 2Illead
I rather like the cliffy. Great job.
5/6/2012 c13 1Xipilzuma
im gonna be honest ok and i hope you learn from this instead of getting hurt. i personally don't see it as one of the stronger fan fictions i have read here and really theres only just a few problems with it, but sadly those are some pretty serious problems. first is the story, now don't get me wrong its ok and its written pretty good, but the romance is forced and is well a bit confusing. at first he rejects his feelings but instead of gradually accepting them he just suddenly turns. i won't dwell on it so much if the story didn't dwell on it so much. its a romance but when you don't start the romance with the characters totally invested then the reader isn't invested in the romance. Another problem is that this is supposed to be a cross over, and when i clicked on this that what i was expecting and what i got was totally something different. there is literally no connection with disney the little mermaid and treasure planet, just because you have the names of various characters and places doesn't mean theres a connection. and honestly thats what just ruins it form me. level with me for a second, disney, for most if not all kids, childhood. its what there first introduced to, its the magic, its what made us believe and when something like that has your childhood from the balls lets face it your going to be emotionally attached to it. So when i read this its almost as an insult, i mean there personalities are different the settings are different, the casting are different. i mean jim has a normal family (minus the lion part) and ariel isn't a mermaid. i know i going off on this buts a huge problem and especially when most for your readers are use to the original story. don't get me wrong choosing any 2-d animation movie to do a fan fiction is very hard, but it isn't impossible. i don't understand. why make that connect if your are'nt going to see it all the way through. this could of been your own creation pure originality. you don't need disney. I'm sorry but when i read about how eric is an asshole right after i'v seen the movie it just takes me out of it. an example is that this takes place on montresser right? its a place that is inhabited by all different aliens, so why is ariel so shocked to see a taking dragon? there's talking human like frogs in that world so a talking dragon is not so surprising. so you can see how it effects the story, anyway thats my 2 cents hope u can learn from it ;)
1/27/2012 c1 ArielLovesJim
I love this story
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