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2/10/2016 c2 19AndurilofTolkien
like this
2/10/2016 c1 AndurilofTolkien
like
2/23/2014 c12 Mihn
Just a thought... Law probably just cut Jean Bart's head off to get the collar off of him.
12/29/2013 c2 humancyrax
XD at Bepo being excited for the winter island and asking about female bears
12/22/2013 c1 humancyrax
This seems like a pretty good story and I XD and facepalmed at the same time when Celeste said he hasnt given me the money yet
9/5/2013 c13 Nanami.Hiyoko
:D awesome story!
8/18/2013 c1 9Kinjiru
Your fic has a very interesting starting point. I like that each scene is significant and binds the events together seamlessly; there wasn't a boring moment in this chapter. The different ways you introduced your two OC's was nicely done, and I think that it was a great idea to have a female OC already within the crew as to not make the soon-to-be-newest Heart Pirate be the special snowflake among them. (Do excuse the expression. -.-;)

I've only reached the third chapter so far, but I'm trying to review each chapter without the facts revealed later. That being said, I think that you have no problems with pacing and characterization. They're relatable and amusing to read about, especially Bepo's parts. But the technical part of the writing of chapter 1's needs a lot of work.

You have a tendency of overusing qualifiers (i.e. much, quite, really, rather, seem, etc.) and adverbs (particularly, simply, exactly, etc.). While I understand that they aid in the characterization of whichever person's POV is currently being used, they also make the speaker seem to lack conviction in what they are saying/thinking when used too much. It can be used to good effects - that much is true - but it should be moderated so that that the narrative wouldn't be taxing to read.

Some descriptions would be better shortened. If there is a single word that that could be uses to express a thought, use it instead of whole phrases that don't add much imagery. In line with this thought are the all-too-many attributives (said, added, etc.) in dialogues. If there's only one person speaking, it doesn't need to constantly be pointed out who the speaker is. The pauses and change in tone/facial expressions between the sentences they utter could be expressed in a different way.

The were also inconsistencies in capitalization. It's a very small detail, so I assumed they were typographical errors, but there were still many in this chapter.

The last and biggest problem, for me, were the punctuation marks and the separation of sentences and clauses. It's a little complicated to expound here in the reviews, so I'll be sending my comments to you via PM.

I hope my comments will be of help. :) I will review the succeeding chapters by and by. Thank you for writing this nice story, and best of luck in continuing it
7/23/2013 c13 11Phalanx
I really enjoyed this chapter. Definitely more than the last two. The last two were a bit draggy because of the recaps but you did a great job incorporating the events of the recent manga reveals about Law in this one.

I particularly enjoyed your characterisation work with Penguin, and the introduction of DoFlamingo into the story.

By the way, a mistake I remembered from one of your previous chapters... You wrote something along the lines of "female stage onto the stage" instead of presumably, "female slave". ;)
7/23/2013 c13 4Legacy009
Dude, that was amazing. This is going up as my favorite Law story, you potrayed him and his position as captain perfectly, hell better, following
7/22/2013 c13 21Shiningheart of ThunderClan
Huh. Law and Doflamingo seem to be oddly civil with one another. I don't usually see that among fanfictions. Usually Doflamingo's pissed off about Law leaving his crew and Law is a pissy little turd who resents his former boss like... like... Well, like a pissy little turd. XD It's refreshing to see something different. Update soon!
7/13/2013 c13 110th Squad 3rd Seat
Doffy!:)
5/29/2013 c12 5HayleyComet
This is without doubt one of the best Law OC fics I've read; the characters aren't grating, Law isn't psychotic to the point that I stop reading, and I love the uniqueness of the character you're created, from her background to how she got involved with the crew and how she interacts with the whole storyline. I especially like the way you kept true to the storyline even though we don't know Law's route through Paradise or anything similar.
I look forward to reading any future updates, so please continue writing this
4/14/2013 c12 2Zecrea
Wow. I like how you attempted to fill in the gaps. It's pretty creative.

Though, I was hoping that Celeste could play a larger role. Will she be doing that soon?
12/2/2012 c12 2Tuonetar Star
Nice couple of chapters there. Sorry I was busy and couldn't review the last one so have a double review here.

- I enjoyed reading the Auction House scene that you made your own. It was wonderfully descriptive and I am rather impressed at the way you wrote the whole of Shabody to be honest.
- Kidd and Luffy were brilliantly in character, especially how you had Kidd and Law act with each other in this chapter. Well done.
- I thought the way you introduced Jean Bart into the crew after the fight against the Pacifista was good. You handled Celeste's part in the fight well; and thought about how she would hide Jean Bart with her powers.
- Nice to see Ruby acting worried about the crew, she seems to be the motherly figure and it's nice how she sort of seems to be the only person Law is somewhat wary of? I like her undoubted trust for him but enjoy that she seems to be able to follow orders in such a well managed way.
- I like how you have spanned upon the Heart Pirates luck and Law's intelligence in a way that doesn't make it all too coincidental but ties in well.
- Cannot wait to see you handle Marineford.
12/1/2012 c12 A Deathless Song
I am SO glad I found this. It's probably the most well written Law/Oc story on the site, and of the best Oc stories in the One Piece category. You've done a great job of keeping Law and the Heart Pirates true to their personalities, and Celeste is a fleshed out, three dimensional character. I love how vain she is, haha. Can't wait to see more from you. n_n
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