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11/27/2010 c1 11Flower of the Flame
First off, I'd really like to compliment your portrayal of the canonical characters- you do a fantastic job expressing them, in relation to the new element in the world.

I just had a slight issue with the Megumi/Hiroshi thing. I wasn't sure if he was a good friend/almost boyfriend, or just a one-night-stand type of guy... And, as Ameyoke said, the entire masturbation thing throws me off.

Uhm... Other than that... I'm really looking forward to the next few chapters of the fanfiction. I think you have a lot of potential with this, and you should keep going with Hiroshi's story.
10/21/2010 c1 22Ameyoke
Thank you for your insistance that I read this story. I will give you some feedback to improve it.

Problems

- Hiroshi gives off the feeling of a locked-up person, who is not interested in pretty girls or whatever until he meets Megumi. That's why it was like "WTF" when you mentioned masturbation. It ruined his image.

- Hiroshi's parents couldn't afford to send him to school? Most of the schools in Japan are public, so practically no one goes to private school. And, how would they send him to America for a trip?

- Megumi saying that his albinism was a costume. That was a little akward. She could say "Is your hair bleached?" or "Do you wear contacts?" or something, but "costume" is a little off.

- The Halloween thing is a little odd. Halloween is a little corny and used, and thinking of himself as a vampire so much that he has to express it to the neighbors is very odd. Of course, maybe that's just me.

- You never specifically wrote that Hiroshi and Megumi were dating. That was very confusing. What kind of relationship did they have? Did Megumi go out with him just as a friend? Was she torn between the two? Did she go out with him to try and forget Natsuno and fail? Was she distant as a girlfriend and reject advances for a kiss?

- I never saw the clash between Natsuno and Hiroshi! I wanted Hiroshi to get bitchslapped. OK, that's not really a problem, but just a personal quip.

- Some grammar issues- I would be glad to proofread for you.

However, I think you have plenty of potential with this. Maybe you should try reading some other high-rated fics and some random manga and then you'll see some reoccuring elements, or maybe some roots of inspiration for your own. I can't wait to see how you progress as a writer.
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