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for Paramours at Odds

12/1/2016 c1 Marm
10/2/2011 c1 2k+Hawki
-"For the moment Shepard's team could relax leisurely as the Normandy refueled and re-supplied."

"Leisurely" is an unneeded word in this sentence-"relax" already implies leisure.

-"If you want you can wait at Dark Star, I won't be long," Tali knew Shepard didn't quite share her enthusiasm for technology.

Should be a full stop instead of a comma after "long," as a new sentence begins afterwards rather than a "Tali said" for instance.

"Good, I didn't want things to be bad between us," taking a drink Ashley went on..."

Again with the comma/full stop issue.

-"She had scene Ashley and Liara nearly clash over him."

Should be "seen."

"Do you still think about what happened on Virmire? About Lt. Alenko I mean," Ashley had a somber look in her eyes.

Comma, full stop, etc.

"So much has happened between then and now that it feels like it happened a century ago," Shepard ordered another drink then looked around the lounge...

And again.

-“The fact that Ashley is human wasn't lost on Tali and as far as humans go, she thought Ashley was attractive."

Alternates between present and past tense here. The context can lend itself to this in regards to describing a species, but I think that in this case, it should remain consistant past tense.

-Perhaps some déjà vu with the Ashley-Shepard-Tali love triangle here in regards to the Ashley-Shepard-Liara one from the first game. Don’t know if it’s intentional here, but it works well enough.

-"You must die!" shouted Ashley in a fit of rage.

"I will destroy you!" spat Tali as the two women lunged at each other.

"Enemies everywhere!" yelled the bartender as he took cover behind the bar.

Awkward wording at first, but credit where credit is due, this caused me to grin.

-Speaking generally…well, I’d say this is good overall, but it warms up slowly. I can see that some effort was put into reiterating the events of ME2 (or at least the story’s take on them, with choices and the like), but in a oneshot such as this, I feel there was too much detail. Could be down to personal opinion, but while I feel there’s a precedent for this in multi-chapters, oneshots can afford to be more skimpy. Almost felt like an info-dump at times.

Still, getting to the triangle confrontation, things picked up there. I guess kudos go to your portrayal of Ashley here in regards to her arguably playing the race card against Tali.
8/21/2011 c1 RivalDragon
Great story, you did a good job.
8/15/2011 c1 1DoingSomeCalibrations
Great story. I played as a male Shepard with Ashley in the first game and Tali in the second, so it's interesting to see how an encounter between them would go. Everyone felt in-character, and the dialogue was very believable. Nicely done.

Oh, and "Enemies everywhere!" was utterly hilarious. I was chuckling at that an hour after I finished reading.
8/12/2011 c1 3PaganDruidFuneral
Ha ha! I almost died laughing at the whole "I will destroy you!" exchange. I really enjoyed this story and I can't wait to read the sequel.
12/23/2010 c1 zXVampireKingXz
Damn those ME1 qoutes are funny as hell, anyways it was a good fic
10/18/2010 c1 3MassEffectAdict
Great story, and I'm flad you made it generic (no first name for shepard) but not painfully so. Anyway, good story, I like how your Shep is depicted as a nice guy whom has to make difficult choices that are 'renagade' in-game. Also glad to see a lover's confrentation, there are too few of them, and this one ranks pretty high up there. Keep up the good work, and I hope to see another story from you soon.
10/15/2010 c1 6pepoluan
The turian bartender is hilarious. "Enemies everywhere," indeed! xD

This is a fresh take. I approve of this wholeheartedly. Especially of your post-story A/N. You took a very wise decision. I can't commend you enough.

Your portrayal of Tali is also very nicely done. Not all 'rainbows and butterflies' as many other fanfic writers have done. Even exploring her crush during ME1. I couldn't imagine writing Tali better than you. Not that I will, for the matter, since I've committed myself to writing a universe where Shepard 'goes steady' with Miranda.

And it's also very interesting to read Garrus' thoughts on Tali. You're on the same frequency as I am; I also think Garrus and Tali are... shall we say, have better compatibility, protein-wise? :P

Anyways, great writing! I'll fave this for sure :)
10/15/2010 c1 10Ruinus
"You must die!"

"I will destroy you!"

"Enemies everywhere!"

I laughed so hard when I read this part, seriously, tears formed.

Anyways, great story.
10/15/2010 c1 I M KROGAN
ENEMIES EVERYWHERE! I literally fell off my couch and hit my temple on the table laughing when i read that. Omg, that was awesome

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