for Chaos Revolution7/19/2016 c1 JV
Decent story to short for me personally but not bad. The twist is interesting although it seems like it would be impossible for 14 year old to be that blind a ten yr old I could see but a teenager I cant see that. What gave you the idea for it being legal for attacking trainers though I can't see Lance or Mr. Goodshow liking that.
Decent story to short for me personally but not bad. The twist is interesting although it seems like it would be impossible for 14 year old to be that blind a ten yr old I could see but a teenager I cant see that. What gave you the idea for it being legal for attacking trainers though I can't see Lance or Mr. Goodshow liking that.
9/23/2015 c3 
18crazililwabbit
I really enjoyed this! I was never much of one for pokemon the show, but you have created a realistic world where animals are fought, to the death sometimes, and it is a frightening place. Keep writing!
18crazililwabbitI really enjoyed this! I was never much of one for pokemon the show, but you have created a realistic world where animals are fought, to the death sometimes, and it is a frightening place. Keep writing!
3/21/2014 c2 FBSnightstalker
Love Arcanine, so glad he's one of the main pokemon but this is a real story so i am worried for him :(
Love Arcanine, so glad he's one of the main pokemon but this is a real story so i am worried for him :(
5/21/2011 c1 Galisaa
He took the gloves 'without thinking' then per ceded to use them.
Small writing errors like when Eric said, "Just let I go." meaning Jason and 'him go'.
Adding motion to dialog (previously mentioned by another reviewer) would add more than you'd think and look out for it in the future.
If you continued this story I definitely would read it. Maybe even beta if you want.
He took the gloves 'without thinking' then per ceded to use them.
Small writing errors like when Eric said, "Just let I go." meaning Jason and 'him go'.
Adding motion to dialog (previously mentioned by another reviewer) would add more than you'd think and look out for it in the future.
If you continued this story I definitely would read it. Maybe even beta if you want.
2/8/2011 c4 24Xtreme Gamer
So it's two vigilante trainers who don't play by anyone's rules other than their own against both Team ROcket AND the Pokemon League... NICE!
I can alreay tell this is going to be one of those stories that's not for everyone, but if you give it a chance you could grow to like it. Keep it up.
24Xtreme GamerSo it's two vigilante trainers who don't play by anyone's rules other than their own against both Team ROcket AND the Pokemon League... NICE!
I can alreay tell this is going to be one of those stories that's not for everyone, but if you give it a chance you could grow to like it. Keep it up.
2/8/2011 c4 5Crukix
This has potential. It's nowhere near what it could be yet, though it seems like it can be great, if you do it right.
One major point of concern; you claim this is meant to be a realistic take on pokemon, then you evolve a growlithe into an arcanine, with the effects happening instantly. Realistically, that pokemon would be dead. Think about it, you're putting it through the process of evolution - it's bones are growing and changing in size. Remember growth pains as a child? Imagine those all over your body. Except worse because your bones are also changing in shape. They're breaking apart in certain places, fusing together and forcibly growing new parts. Anything going through that sort of pain would die. That's not to mention the fact that all the muscles, skin and internal organs would all grow and change shape.
You could do with adding a bit more detail to the conversations. The way you're doing them, it's like they're bouncing whole conversations off each other without ever moving. Think about real life; when you're talking to someone, are either one of you stood there, as still as a statue? Little descriptions wouldn't go amiss. Like the last chapter, where you have the salesperson telling your main character what button to press on his baton to extend it. There's no sort of movement from the character in the text; it seems to us like he's just aimlessly stood there talking, without ever demostrating what exactly to do.
Also, point of concern: how exactly did those trainers manage to report his older brother and get the police after him so well? Unless I'm mistaken, they never gave names. All the trainer would have to go by would be a rough description and three of his pokemon. And since arbok, primeape and raichu aren't exactly uncommon around Pewter, I'm guessing (considering all their pre-evolved forms are common around those parts, it stands to reason that most people would capture, train and evolve them.) And since they're relatively common, the police wouldn't exactly be able to narrow down a list of suspects that well to come after the correct person within a day. The ass of a policeman though? Well done. Most laws are rather harsh on the more injured parties... (look at some of the laws in the UK; if a person breaks into your home and you beat them out of it, they're allowed to sue you for damages and even get you thrown in prison. Erwut?)
Check the chapters before you upload them. You've got sentences stopping and staring again on the following line
rather like this. It's annoying and simply remedied.
Also, the previous chapter; he sold the parasect for fifty-five, yet only got given five ten's? Either he can't count, you made an error or he just got conned.
Personally, I'm not so sold on the idea of Giovanni publically being the leader of Team Rocket. It wasn't ever publically revealed that he was the leader, I'm pretty sure. Surely the police would come after them in that case, if it was publically known that was the Team Rocket gym. If not, it simply implies that the police force/government is pretty corrupt.
But anyway, you've got the potential to make this a good realistic fic. There's a number here that you could check out, like The Sun Soul, among others. Hope something in all this text helps
~Cru
PS. I hate you and am insanely jealous of your drawing skills. I want your hands because I wanttolearnhowtodrawlikethat!
5CrukixThis has potential. It's nowhere near what it could be yet, though it seems like it can be great, if you do it right.
One major point of concern; you claim this is meant to be a realistic take on pokemon, then you evolve a growlithe into an arcanine, with the effects happening instantly. Realistically, that pokemon would be dead. Think about it, you're putting it through the process of evolution - it's bones are growing and changing in size. Remember growth pains as a child? Imagine those all over your body. Except worse because your bones are also changing in shape. They're breaking apart in certain places, fusing together and forcibly growing new parts. Anything going through that sort of pain would die. That's not to mention the fact that all the muscles, skin and internal organs would all grow and change shape.
You could do with adding a bit more detail to the conversations. The way you're doing them, it's like they're bouncing whole conversations off each other without ever moving. Think about real life; when you're talking to someone, are either one of you stood there, as still as a statue? Little descriptions wouldn't go amiss. Like the last chapter, where you have the salesperson telling your main character what button to press on his baton to extend it. There's no sort of movement from the character in the text; it seems to us like he's just aimlessly stood there talking, without ever demostrating what exactly to do.
Also, point of concern: how exactly did those trainers manage to report his older brother and get the police after him so well? Unless I'm mistaken, they never gave names. All the trainer would have to go by would be a rough description and three of his pokemon. And since arbok, primeape and raichu aren't exactly uncommon around Pewter, I'm guessing (considering all their pre-evolved forms are common around those parts, it stands to reason that most people would capture, train and evolve them.) And since they're relatively common, the police wouldn't exactly be able to narrow down a list of suspects that well to come after the correct person within a day. The ass of a policeman though? Well done. Most laws are rather harsh on the more injured parties... (look at some of the laws in the UK; if a person breaks into your home and you beat them out of it, they're allowed to sue you for damages and even get you thrown in prison. Erwut?)
Check the chapters before you upload them. You've got sentences stopping and staring again on the following line
rather like this. It's annoying and simply remedied.
Also, the previous chapter; he sold the parasect for fifty-five, yet only got given five ten's? Either he can't count, you made an error or he just got conned.
Personally, I'm not so sold on the idea of Giovanni publically being the leader of Team Rocket. It wasn't ever publically revealed that he was the leader, I'm pretty sure. Surely the police would come after them in that case, if it was publically known that was the Team Rocket gym. If not, it simply implies that the police force/government is pretty corrupt.
But anyway, you've got the potential to make this a good realistic fic. There's a number here that you could check out, like The Sun Soul, among others. Hope something in all this text helps
~Cru
PS. I hate you and am insanely jealous of your drawing skills. I want your hands because I wanttolearnhowtodrawlikethat!
2/3/2011 c3 24Xtreme Gamer
You know, this is actually an interesting story here. Seeing the Pokemon world in a darker light usually doesn't interest me that much, but this one has managed to capture my interest. I'd like to see where you go with this next.
24Xtreme GamerYou know, this is actually an interesting story here. Seeing the Pokemon world in a darker light usually doesn't interest me that much, but this one has managed to capture my interest. I'd like to see where you go with this next.
1/29/2011 c3 Purple sky
Wow, just wow! This is exactly what I wanted to find when I stared looking for pokemon fic! The more realistic take on the cartoon I watched as a kid just adds so much!
I'm really excited to read more and to find out what happens next, keep up the awesome work!
Wow, just wow! This is exactly what I wanted to find when I stared looking for pokemon fic! The more realistic take on the cartoon I watched as a kid just adds so much!
I'm really excited to read more and to find out what happens next, keep up the awesome work!
1/29/2011 c3 Sniper Mudkip
Bravo dude! Some of the best work I've read since Spirited by OceanSpiral. If anything it got really dark towards the end of the third chapter. This could make for some interesting plot later on struggling between his morals and motivation.
Bravo dude! Some of the best work I've read since Spirited by OceanSpiral. If anything it got really dark towards the end of the third chapter. This could make for some interesting plot later on struggling between his morals and motivation.
1/29/2011 c3 14Amelia Bright
Didn't think Jason had that much violence in him. Wow.
Your writing style is phenominal, by the way.
14Amelia BrightDidn't think Jason had that much violence in him. Wow.
Your writing style is phenominal, by the way.
1/28/2011 c2 2StarlaMay
Oh yay! You're back! I'd completely forgotten about this story, but I'm so glad you posted another chapter!
Poor Eric, that Pokemon League guy was a fucking douche. He didn't deserve that! I'm wondering if he was a fake? Seems so unfair! But it's cool how Jason now has a belt full of strong, fully evolved pokemon. Interested to see where you're going to take this one.
Hope to see another update soon!
2StarlaMayOh yay! You're back! I'd completely forgotten about this story, but I'm so glad you posted another chapter!
Poor Eric, that Pokemon League guy was a fucking douche. He didn't deserve that! I'm wondering if he was a fake? Seems so unfair! But it's cool how Jason now has a belt full of strong, fully evolved pokemon. Interested to see where you're going to take this one.
Hope to see another update soon!