Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Nice Girls Don't Get Jack

2/18/2012 c2 DeadProf
Ummm...Is this a GrimmIchi? Cause it says that the pairing is Grimmjow and Ichigo and there was no mention/warning of this being an OC/? fic...but I'm having my doubts now... Please reply cause I really need to know before I keep reading...Thank you :3
8/12/2011 c4 Kuraikaji
Nice work, I've reviewed stories by much more experienced people, but this is the best story I have read so far.
8/10/2011 c1 2X-Moon-X-Glows-X
Alright, you will probably think I'm flaming or something, but I'm only going to be this harsh and nag your head off because I really -do- think you have the potential to improve. Now, let's look at the Prologue.

You don't use an ellipsis (the dots in a row at the end of a sentence) like that. It's minor, but it'll make your story look better. When you want to interrupt a sentence with an ellipsis, you should only put in THREE dots. When you want to just cut off the sentence and leave it like that, -that's- when you use four dots. Remember it, readers will appreciate details the most.

Now, the first chapter.

No, no, -no-. When your character is inhaling and exhaling, you don't put it between brackets, but you describe it in a sentence. BUT, and here comes the but, since you're putting it as an introduction, it shouldn't be there in the first place. So remove those, and you'll be good.

Where you are supposed to use brackets, you seem to replace them with colons.

For example, :context clues people: should be (context clues, people). Don't be shy to use your comma's more often either, they're there for a reason. And watch out for typos as well, proof-read every chapter carefully before posting it so you minimize the errors, or get a Beta-Reader.

As for the rest, let's tackle the dialogue first. If you want your story to be taken seriously, you can't write the dialogue as if you just recorded a chatroom session. When characters speak it's:

"I love soccer." said Ichigo/Ichigo said (whichever you prefer, it doesn't really make a difference).

When you're describing the way your characters say things (e.g.: she whines this/she whispers the last part) you don't put it like that either. It would be like:

"She's angry." Orihime whispered angrily/sadly/annoyed/etc.

or

"I'm bored." Szayel whined indifferently/aloofly/etc

The same goes for yelling or hissing or whatever.

Also, when a character sighs or does something else, you should put it the same way:

Grimmjow sighed tiredly as he stared out the window. He folded his arms and leaned back in his chair, a bored expression on his face, etc.

I've also noticed that huge chunk of a paragraph where you're describing Ukitake. It's rather large, if I were you, I'd separate it. That makes it easier to read.

Szayel is not buff or muscular. I understand if you want to adjust the character's personality, but for the love of pie, don't change their appearance.

Well, now I'm at chapter two, and I pray to God you don't decide to let multiple characters fall in love with Hinata. That would be just awful. Two characters is passable at best, but any more than two and this story turns into a horrible Mary Sue fanfic faster than you can say "Hinata."

Alright, remember what I said about Szayel? It's fine to -adjust- his character? Well, you just completely turned Orihime's character upside down. That's not adjusting. That's molding her into something she's not. Orihime is naive, sweet, caring and innocent. She would NEVER do anything like that with Szayel, nor would she harm her own sister if she had one. This sort of action will always displease the readers. Keep it as canon as possible.

Moving on to chapter three. Ah, hold on. In the dropdown bar, it points to the prologue as the first chapter, and the first chapter to the second chapter. You might want to correct that to avoid confusion.

Hm, again a too large chunk of paragraph.

Watch your grammar! You seem to confuse "your" with "you're" and forget to add apostrophes where they're supposed to go.

Not much else to point out. Now I'm just wondering when the plot will actually set in. You should work on that too, you know. It's not interesting for us to read Hinata falling in love and out of love the whole time. You should (at the very least) give her a serious flaw or a personal issue she has to deal with. Maybe she has serious commitment-issues, maybe she's egocentric, maybe she's a compulsive liar, maybe she has anger issues, maybe she has a phobia or is in great conflict with another character, whatever. Just make her seem more human and easier to relate to.

That's all I got, for now. And please don't pass this off as me flaming. I have two stories, both with over a hundred reviews, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

Well, this enormous review should tell you that I really want you to be a better writer, because I recognize your potential, but you lack the proper experience. Just keep practicing, and if you need any help with anything you can always knock on my door ;)

I'm looking forward on how you'll improve this and any future stories.
11/12/2010 c1 1matsuka17
Nice start, but what character is this point of view from?

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service