11/16/2010 c1 10Evil Riggs
While the content of this story is more or less fine, it's difficult to read at the moment.

Your first order of business is to remove the sudden jag of character notes inserted into the middle of the story. Ideally, descriptions of characters should be integrated into the story as it's told; details about characters' appearances, pasts, personalities, etc. should be parsed out as the narrative proceeds. Here, everything gets shot out in a huge, ungainly wad that's fairly hard to get through. As such, you need to remove it and sprinkle its details more evenly through the chapter and the rest of the story.

Second on the list of fixes is line spacing. Lines tend to cut off early on the page, looking weird and making it hard to follow the narrative. You also need to make sure that each paragraph has a space after it. This helps with the flow of text on a computer screen.

For all this, I'm curious to see where you're going with this - especially these takes on the characters. Good luck as this progresses!