FanFiction.Net
Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Explaination of the Unexpected

6/3/2011 c3 7strawberryshinobi
Another neat one. I like the descriptions you have in here, can't wait to read more^^
12/2/2010 c2 1daydreamer1008
Great job so far! I really like where this is going! Keep it up please!I can't wait for the next chapter!XD
12/1/2010 c2 2RogueSama
you just love drawing things out don't ya? Hurry hurry hurry...must. read. next. chapter. soon...or I will explode...

one suggestion, not meant as a flame or anything so please don't take it like that. But when you type try to join your sentances together more as it helps with the flow of the story and makes it feel more realistic and less choppy.

Ane example below from what the original was (first paragragh) to what a more natural feeling would be. Try reading both aloud as it's easiier to understand what I mean that...(yes I do the same thing when I write)

Soon we all was heading out the door and towards my car. We took that since they really didn't have much more to pick up seeing that they pretty much lived with me anyways. We grabbed a lot of their things when they first started to stay. First we went to Elysia's apartment she was staying at with her mom and sister. They weren't there so we didn't have deal with them. Her mom wouldn't care where she stayed at, as long it wasn't there with her. It didn't hurt her feelings to much since her mother didn't care for her. Only things that was left was her laptop and some clothes. Once that was done we headed towards Maylin's place.

Soon we were all was heading out the door and towards my car since we didn't have much more to pick up anyway. Since they pretty much lived with me anyways we had grabbed a lot of their things when they first started to stay over. First we went to Elysia's apartment where she was staying with her mom and sister. Her mom wouldn't care where she was staying so long as it wasn't with her but they weren't there anyway so we didn't have to deal with them. It didn't hurt her feelings too much since her mother didn't care for her. Only things that were left were her laptop and some clothes and once that was done we headed towards Maylin's place.

Can you see what I mean by joining some of the sentances together so it sounds smoother in the readers mind. As a writer it's difficult to do since when we read our own work our minds tend to automatically arrange things to fit in with what we understand(having full knowledge of a story because as an author you created it in the first place).

Also when you write you don't have to write every detail...meaning only when you write '_ got out of the car...etc' you don't have to put in there that they shut and locked the doors since it's assumed that they wouldn't just leave their car open. If it's an action then run it through in your head first and ask yourself if I left this out would I change the situation? Or is this info really nessessary to know what will happen next? or would it be asumed that I did that since I already did this, this and this first. IE. if you write she came home from work late and decided to go straight to bed. then you don't have to add in that she ttok off her seatbelt, closed the door, locked it entered the house...etc. you might want to add that this assumed character would park her car since it would tell how she got from point A to point B but the other stuff is unessessary in this example.

I personally am horrible for being to discriptive in my wwriting sincce my mind is on the extreme end of being a photographic memory. So when I write a story I always end up goiong back and taking half of it out *sweatdrop* since my mind quite litterally thinks in pictures.

I don't mean to say that you are a bad writer or anything (cuz your NOT in anyway shape or form a bad writer) or to sound like I'm being a bitch and criticizing you I am just trying to point out some things that you can improve on to make things seem more believable? realistic? so it seems less like a story and more like a glimpse into someone else's reality...I guess is the best way to put it.

Questions? just PM me since I really have no life and am almost constantly on here anyway...
11/30/2010 c1 RogueSama
ne...I'm interested...so hurry up and get the first chapter out plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service