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for far east movement

8/14/2016 c1 9dragonrush
"She's eighteen when she decides to stop believing in love,
Because no matter how far the path of life is, there isn't anyone willing to walk with her all the way through."
This line in particular really tugged on my heartstrings. Luckily no one was in the house, since I just started bawling. So sad ;-;
2/23/2013 c1 177Huinari
Oh, poor Lyra . . . but that was beautiful!
1/18/2011 c1 6ImperfectLuck
i really like the way you've written the story. Prose tends to give pieces of writing a poetic sense that really tends to please some readers. But, like the person below mentioned, you need to proof read and spell check- but mainly proof read, since that will catch errors spell checks will never think of.

Just one line there tends to interest me: "reminding her of the girl Silver and Gold were in love with, whoever she is." is it Kris...

Or Lyra?
1/18/2011 c1 l
This is alright. I liked the idea but your writing is mainly just full purple prose. It's hard to understand through all of the descriptions and the like... I really do like reading your stories but you have a lot of grammar mistakes and tense problems. For example: "She was eleven when she meets him again."

The next sentence goes on to say, "A better trainer now, she grips her pokeball tighter and unleashes her Espeon."

In the first sentence you're in past tense. The second one you're in present. That could be simply fixed by changing the "was" from the first sentence to "is".

Also, "It tastes like cigarette ashes and lightning flashes." that is far too extravagant. It would have been lovely if you had stopped at 'cigarette ashes'.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm being overly critical. I'm not meaning to be, honest! It's just that you have potential but you make far too many mistakes for me to actually love your writing, you get what I'm saying? It's like, I enjoy your writing but the purple prose is just unnecessary and you make a lot of mistakes that should have been caught while editing.

I think you should get a beta. That would probably help you out a lot.

Again, sorry if I sound critical, that isn't my intention - just trying to offer advice.

Thanks for writing this though. I liked it, honestly. :)

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