Just In
for My dad is Apollo

4/9/2016 c2 Sparky
One MAJOR THING. A male and female demigod from different cabins cannot stay together in the same cabin
4/9/2016 c1 Sparky
Camp half blood is for Demigods only. Demigods are half God half human. And gods don't have affairs with nymphs. Nymphs always run away from gods (mostly Dionysus and Apollo). And when Percy arrived at camp he wasn't claimed yet. And Apollo already had kids that are in Apollo cabin (it seems that you are doing like the same characters as Percy Jackson)And Gods are forbidden to stay with their demigods kids...but besides all those errors you made, good s far
4/28/2013 c2 12Rosalie.rock
6/8/2011 c1 Disabled Profile
Okay, I'm going to give you a little advice. Periods, commas, exclamation points, and questions are what? That's right! They are punctuation. Use it. It will help in the end.

Paragraphs are meant to be in stories! Or otherwise you'll just have a bunch of smartass bookreaders with huge headaches. Not good.

Please take note that Rosalie is way too perfect. I mean beautiful, being the ONLY daughter of Apollo, living with the gods, and being able to shoot like that? Puh-lease. Mary-Sue alert! Red flash! Code red, code red, code freaking red! See, a Mary-Sue is bad and I mean really bad. Unless you're writing a fanfiction surrounding Mary-Sues, they should be avoided.

Another thing is that you sorta based this off of Twilight. Rosalie and that romance scene in chapter two are proof of that. I mean, Twilight and Percy Jackson are two different books. Ones about vampires, the other is about the Greek gods. Is that similar? Nope!

About that ' Rosalie is the only child of Apollo '. I can see some of that working out. It's been a while since I have read the books, but they never mention daughters of Apollo right? So you can say she is the only daughter of Apollo, but not the only child because then you'll be killing off so many characters that play small, but very important parts. They may be small, but they are sorta important.

Also the ending in chapter one bothers me a little bit. Of course, it is demigod style. Why would they play regular capture the flag?

Now the positive side of the review. If you handed this over to someone else, then they could probably take this story further. I'm not saying you aren't a good writer! You most like are. I'm saying that your writing skills aren't in the Percy Jackson series. I learned that I suck at writing Percy Jackson fanfiction at first, but I'm good at writing Harry Potter and Warriors fanfiction. You just have to find your category.

This is not a flame! This is advice from another writer to another writer. So delete this and keep trying.

You say peace, I say war!

;D Night
1/28/2011 c2 3Fallenarchangel
oh good start

just try to make thje chapters longer and more spread apart
1/28/2011 c2 10Superdani4Ever
a table to herself?cool!

I loved this chapter!so adorable!

please update soon!
1/28/2011 c1 Superdani4Ever
I liked it very much!
1/24/2011 c1 widerhallen
I don't enjoy flaming, but this requires much work. Here we go:

1) Grammar issues. PUNCTUATION. Use it. "Oh that's Rosalie she's the oldest and only daughter and child of Apollo she's part goddess and part wood nymph her mom was a wood nymph she's the best archer on land and horseback she can hit any target from anywhere" has got to be the longest run-on sentence I've ever read. Look over your work when you finish; it takes about 15 minutes tops and saves your readers a migraine.

2) Unrealistic. Rosalie is far too perfect, therefore eliminating any possibility of an interesting plot with character development, which is definitely one of the most important elements in a story. Furthermore, even if Rosalie was a half-blood (which she's not), gods are bounded by ancient law not to interfere with the lives of their children. Therefore she cannot live in Olympus.

3) Paragraphs. You've never seen a huge bundle of smashed together text being actually being published, have you?

I saw in your other story that you italicized, underlined, and bolded every bit of your story. Thank god you didn't do that here. It's my personal thought that a heading (Ex. Flashback, End of Flashback e.t.c.) is enough to notify the reader that this is not part of the present plot, and italics or anything of the sort is just redundant. That's better used for emphasis or of the like. I saw that you did get some decent reviews, which is good, but my personal opinion (as a decent veteran of this site) is that there is room for improvement.

I understand that this is fanfiction, which is a place for writers to nurture their writing abilities. Regardless, there are standards to be kept, otherwise bad reviews are just asking to be dished out. Get a beta who can help you with the writing. Create a character that's realistic and can connect with the audience. Be creative.
1/24/2011 c2 15camillexelisabeth
*cracks knuckles* This should be relatively entertaining. 

So, when you write a story, character profiles at the beginning are a NO NO. It's laziness on your part. Describe the characters to the reader; don't hand them a chart. 

"Oh that's Rosalie she's the oldest and only daughter and child of Apollo she's part goddess and part wood nymph her mom was a wood nymph she's the best archer on land and horseback she can hit any target from anywhere." WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT? That, my dear, is what is called a MARY SUE. She's so über perfect that it makes me want to barf. 

1) If she's the only daughter, she's automatically the oldest, so why state that? Plus, Apollo had multiple children in the books, and they didn't all die. So she's obviously not the only child of Apollo...

2) She's part goddess and part dyrad? Kay. I have some issues with that. That wouldn't make her a half-blood. She'd be a nymph, therefore, confined to a tree. 

3) "She's the best archer on land and horseback..." Well obviously she must be suppahh ah-mazing at archery because she's perfect like that. She's a screaming Sue and she hasn't even talked yet. 

4) "...she can hit any target from anywhere." ANYWHERE? Shoot an arrow from ten miles away. Do it now. Did she hit the target dead center? Didn't think so. She's not a Legolas, my dear. 

"She's beautiful like her mom but everything else she gets from her dad she's also the only demigod here that's ever lived up in Olympus." Aww poor little thing. Gorgeous, dead mother, AND she got to live on Olympus? NO WAY. 

1) She's beautiful, eh? Mary Sue. 

2) She's the only demigod to have lived on Olympus? Bull. Gods don't take their kids to Olympus to live. Period. Plus, as aforementioned, she's not a demigod. She's a dyrad. 

You can't switch POVs like that. In fact, there should be no POV switches in one chapter. 

"I took out the picture of my mom and felt tears fill my eyes. I missed her so much. Even though I was five I still remembered that horrible day like it was yesterday." She can remember that much detail yet she was only five when it occured? Oh, and the girl is crying over her dead mother as she gazes at the last remaining thing she has to hold on to? POOR THING. 

Mumsy was killed by Medusa? Yeah, Medusa doesn't just wander around. 

Use italics, not astricks. 

She's dating Luke? Kay... That doesn't really work very well, but whatever. 

They can't switch tables. PERIOD. 

You failed at writing a romantic scene. Did you just copy and paste from Twilight? Cause I'm gonna tell you up front, the way you wrote it is NOT how stuff like that works. How old are you anyway? Should you even know how that works?

All in all, THIS SUCKED. I'd reccomend deleting it now, before other flamers get ahold of this. HAVE FUN. 

ψcamille elisabethψ
1/24/2011 c1 5iceskatesk
good job. i like your story a lot. i will read the second chapter.
1/23/2011 c1 2Poseidon's daughter with wings
i love this story!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service