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2/6/2011 c1 3Bushtuckapenguin
Hey mate, nice to see you join the fandom! Let's have a look, starting with your title which is certainly a good one. The summary is pretty good but perhaps dedicate a few more words to the conflict. As a guide to summaries it’s good to include the setting, the protagonist and the conflict.

I spent a lot of the time confused and in order to better understand the story pasted it in a document and deleted the lyrics. The song means something to you, but for most of us we’ve never heard it and are unlikely to look it up so it just clutters the story.

Once I did that I started sorting it out but still struggled to separate the characters. I feel like I’ve opened a novel in the middle and am expected to hit the ground running. Your introduction is how you rope your characters in and immerse them in your version of the fandom, especially in this AU version.

Number one, where are we? Write us the scenery, are they in a base, a forest, a snowstorm? What does she see, hear, smell and how do they feel?

Next is the setting, this means you have to introduce your characters and the back story of your AU. I had no idea Grif was in Freelancer until I read your AN at the bottom of the fic. That’s the kind of info needs to be written into the fic and how it happened. How did lazy, smelly Grif get roped in with badasses like Tex and Maine? The way you do introduce them, Shanada shouting their names as soldiers race by sounds artificial. I think you could do that with perhaps a flashback to just before they were on the run and it was a normal day.

It’s a great idea, I’d love to see the Gulchers roped into the hard life of Freelancer but I think a songfic is a bad way to introduce the AU and the characters. Cheers mate, good luck!

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