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for Babies, Roses, and Falling over

4/5/2011 c2 00000xxxxxxxxxxx0000000
Yes! Continue!
2/16/2011 c2 MillerM
Hi, this critique is for an English assignment. I found your story to be pretty interesting and you did a pretty good job overall. On the other hand, the story seemed to be a little jumpy, going from one part in Bella's life to a later period in her life with Edward. I did get a little confused in the middle of the first chapter when the story went from the first date to the time Bella was pregnant. I believe if the story consisted of a little more depth than it would be more exciting and it would make me intrigued to keep on reading it. The story also had a couple grammar errors and typos, but other than that your writing was pretty good. I could really understand the love between Edward and Bella, you expressed that very well in your story, and I enjoyed that a lot. Anyways, I think overall your story was interesting but just make sure to check for any grammar errors in the end. Keep on writing!
2/16/2011 c2 Rebeccat
Hello! This is an english assignment.

i personally think that instead of skipping right to when she is giving birth and then when the baby is 5, it would be better to transition more slowly. This would help so the reader can understand the story better.
2/16/2011 c1 kfeldpausch
-This is an English assignment.

Personally, I thought this story was good. It had a wide variety of different words and depth of thought. Although, I did find some grammar mistakes. For example, repeated words, missing commas, and misspelled words. The story was also a little scattered in some parts so it was hard to understand. Overall, it was creative and I give you props for writing a story!
2/16/2011 c1 camie2012
Hey rubyred21,

This review is an assignment for my Language Arts class. You're writing was entertaining and kept my attention, great job on the conversations between Edward and Bella! :) You had many great qualities in your piece of writing. One thing I would suggest would be to check the grammar and spelling in your piece before submitting, due to the fact that there were many mispellings. Fixing mistakes and rereading will make both you and your story look better and more professionally written even if writing is just a hobby for you. Good luck!
2/16/2011 c1 chenning
-This is an English assignment.

I personally really enjoyed the creativeness of the chapter. I did notice some small grammar mistakes throughtout the writing though. Some mistakes could cause some of your readers to lose focus on what you have written. Also, I felt that the jump from Edward and Bella just dating, to Bella being pregnant, was unclear and confusing. Maybe if you tried adding something in to explain that the story was changing settings it would make more sense. Most sentences, however, were well writen. I thought you did a nice job making sure people knew the characters' emotions and how they felt about each other.
2/16/2011 c1 Rebeccat
Hello! this is an english assignment.

I thought it was a nice story but it had some minor spelling errors. I also think that the story skipped around a little towards the middle and became a little confusing for the reader. Other than that i thought it was a great story!
2/16/2011 c1 sabrinat1
Hi rubyred21,

Your writing was entertaining, and I think you did a good job overall. However, it was not perfect. The biggest piece of advice I have for you is to check over your work for grammar errors and stuff like that. I found myself pretty distracted as I read because I kept noticing words that are not actually words, words that were used in the wrong way or tense, and typos. Besides grammer, your work was pretty good. I felt the emotion as Bella and Edward were arguing and as they expressed their love for each other towards the end. I did not think your writing was boring because I wanted to keep reading more. You did a good job, but just remember to check your work for errors next time.
2/16/2011 c1 mitchk
This story is a little confusing. Sometimes, the wrong word is used, there is comma misuse, and there are misspelled words. The main character ages rather quickly and without many helpful transitions. The story is a tad bit too lovey-dovey for my taste. The main character seems to be unhealthily obsessed with Edward.
2/16/2011 c1 CassaundraK
Hi,

The first thing that I think needs to be done is that needs to be fixed is all the grammar mistakes. There were many words that were misspelled or used incorrectly. These little mistakes distracted me as I was reading. Another thing that I noticed was the pacing of your story. Your story seemed real slow in the beginning and then toward the end felt very fast. In the beginning you when more into depth and then toward the end I got a little lost. When it skipped from them kissing into Bella being pregnant I thought they were still in high school. It just confused on how it skipped so much from 10th grade into them both being twenty-five. The chapter was not boring and it kept my attention, I just think it was confusing a little bit.
2/16/2011 c1 haleigh.S
I thought this story was definitely interesting and really well written. There were some parts in this story that were strange Edward didn't trust her then randomly he started to trust Bella. Then in the last part of the story how Bella was pregnant, there wasn't anything written about them getting married or anything like that. Other than that I thought you did a great job with the story.
2/16/2011 c1 Ashlyn M
Ithink this story is very good and very well written it was very cute.i have found a few mistakes just little ones but i have listed them below.

I had fell in love with him had never had the nerve to tell him.

Consider having and had never not just had never.

I turnt around and ran to the door.

Consider Turned not turnt.

I felt Edward wrap and arm around my waist and turn me around.

Consider wrap his arm not wrap and arm.

"Ready for bed, love?" Edward asked. I brought rose to my nose one more time before placing it back in its vase.

Consider i brought the rose not just brought rose.

These are just a few things to consider you do not have to use them but this story was very good and very cute.
2/16/2011 c1 1kristala
This story caught my attention. I thought it was weird how Edward was so distant, and BAM! he started trusting her. The storyline was very interesting though. Also, the word usuage was phenomenal. Good Job :)
2/12/2011 c1 1kasperkatkitty
Great story! Can't wait to read the rest! :)
2/8/2011 c1 1wackynicolecsu
awwe that was cute

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