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for Will You Go Out With Me?

2/17/2011 c1 3natabee
haha that's funny!
2/13/2011 c1 Panoptikum
I don't even know where to start.

First of all- hands up for writing. It's a craft which needs a lot of practice, so please don't take my criticism to heart. I wouldn't bother saying anything if I didn't believe you could do better.

But - I don't even know where to start.

Ai - please google "Mary Sue". Or no, take this test: http:/www.onlyfiction.net/marysue2.html

Why would she go out with him? WHY? Doesn't make sense at all!

What's with the japanese "I love you"? It's pretentious, nothing else. It's like europeans who randomnly scream "kawaii!" at, I don't know, rabbits. Or something like that.

Who would go on a date to buy MANGA? Reading is not a social activity.

Oh and:

"In a nutshell, every guy was in between happy for Suigetsu and also wanted to rip his guts out from his eye sockets."

Get it? That girl is irresistible. Lucky bastard. (see "Mary Sue" for further information)

And WHY is there no single fanfic on Suigetsu that doesn't have a line on his "characteristic smirk". It seems to me that line usually serves as a petty excuse to describe this particular character in every other respect totally OUT OF CHARACTER.

Something else - neighbouring countries like THAILAND? Yeah. Or like Sweden. Or Norway.

OK - good things:

If this was a parody on Original Characters who suddenly fall in love with a random Mary Sue it would be an ok fanfic. But even if that's not the case, I think you have the ability to write humor. That thing with Sasuke biting squirrels? Very funny, altough in a very weird way.

Anyway - don't give up, but I hope the above is more helpful than all those comments along the lines of "OHHHH this is soooooo cute, can't wait for the next chapter!".

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