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for Small Eternities

9/12/2011 c15 1METRO SKiiES

Also, Sunako is definetely my favorite character now. At first I thought she was creepy... but now she's funny. And cutely malicious. I still can't get over how funny the chapter on the lake was...

Well, I think I told you some feedback about some of the chapters... but I can't remember which ones. So-

I'm impressed at how much the dialogue and formatting has improved. The content of the dialogue still leaves a bit to be desired. What I find is that everything's expressed through thoughts and actions in your fic... which at times has me barely reading what Toshio and Seishin are saying. Part of that's good... they're always hiding things. But at the same time their words are a little too trivial, and feel like it's just a waste of space.

Don't be afraid to let them speak their minds on occasion. Or, even if they're still hiding all their feelings and such, try a chapter where what they say is actually really important. I challenge you to get through an entire chapter without a "..."

You go, girl!

I look forward to Sunako's next move. And the return of the roommate. Yes, the roommate... now there's good contrast. A guy who expresses everything through his meaningless, loquacious chatter...
8/6/2011 c12 Sandrine Georges
Haha, gotta love "Raising papier-mâché animals." Nothing much to say about this chapter; it was pretty short. Except, of course, your use of commas. Gahhh...
8/6/2011 c11 Sandrine Georges
I really like the cat! That said, you need to get your cat facts straight. Since it's revealed to be a bobcat, you might want to mention its "*short* tail flicking across Seishin's chest." By highlighting the tail, I imagined a long, luxurious tail of note to belong to the cat. Bobcats, however, have short tails as I'm sure you know. Also, there wouldn't be any rabbit bits left. I know from experience when my cat catches wild rabbits that he eats pretty much everything. Meat, organs, fur... nothing left. I would assume the same to be for a larger cat, especially a very hungry one. Plus I would have issue with people drinking buttermilk because that's something I'd never heard of, but I guess people do. By people, I mean Sam's dad. Do you, too? Anyway, I liked the humanity it showed the priest to have in his interactions with the animals and I also enjoyed the banter towards the end.
7/31/2011 c10 METRO SKiiES
DAT IMAGERY. You've got me in love.

Even though I still have trouble following the story, and figuring out why exactly it's really cool in terms of the characters... I'm still having a lot of fun reading it!

Watch out for your skeletal dialogue, still... remember the rule of spices (in food that you would call bland). Too much of any superbly tasty device will overwhelm the whole thing. Some of the dialogue could be remedied by not repeating the words too much.

I understand that these characters are rather emotionally constipated (and really, how else would we like them?), but it would be nice to see slightly more assertive dialogue, or considerably more action surrounding it. If it looks skinny, it reads skinny. No need to make it fat, of course, but nobody likes the anorexic cheerleader (we hope).

Okay, I'll stop beating you over the head with metaphors. Keep up the good work! Again, the descriptive and evocative settings you keep casting on this coordinated (though still a bit elusive) plot flows so naturally and reads so well. Even a solid ending on a chapter feels like a cliffhanger, so keep it up!
7/31/2011 c10 Mystline Roulette
I love your story so far! Please continue when you can~.
7/27/2011 c10 dadarkbord
Hmmm... back to being opaque. Not sure how I feel about this. I'll read again later and pester you about it.
7/14/2011 c9 Sandrine Georges
And what does 'Sump' mean? I mean...I looked it up and I guess it makes sense given the context, but who knows what that means?
7/14/2011 c9 Sandrine Georges
I'm liking the fumigation more on a symbolic level even more now that we see its consequences BUT the whole coincidental meeting and nursing back to health thing: you are better than that lazy writing convention... that said,

1) Did you just name some kind of drink after a Beirut song?


2) Now I really want some hot chocolate.
7/14/2011 c8 Sandrine Georges
Again, very readable; good job. I'm trying to figure out my feelings about the fumigation. Perhaps it's a little too obvious for my taste, but I think I still like it. You make the shiki characters very sympathetic which I appreciate immensely, and the room mate, as ever is just a great diversion though perhaps he will need a deeper story line one day.

Your style is getting simpler in the best way; it's clean although not lacking for details.

Things like 'quickly vanished from public opinion' should probably be 'from public recollection' or 'scrutiny as the article...' and later 'a goofy expression to "match"' instead of 'to "suit"', but other than that, there's solid development, and I'm getting a much better feel for the characters than I had before.
7/14/2011 c7 Sandrine Georges
This is unequivocally the most readable chapter that you've posted so far. It's relatively short which helps especially because I personally prefer shorter chapters even if the book itself is long, and the dialogue doesn't dance in the usual circles that you make it pursue. Nice job; the only turn of phrase that I think I need to mention is the use of the word 'menial' towards the end. I think something more on the order of 'insubstantial' or 'insignificant' or even 'unsatisfying' would work better given 'menial's' connotation. So kudos.
6/16/2011 c7 15Lady Nightlord
Aw I feel so sorry for Toshio! Don't you just want to go up and hug him? DX

Another awesome chapter, can't wait to find out what will happen next!
6/3/2011 c6 Sandrine Georges
Hot damn, and I do mean hot. The pacing and action that pick up the end seem to pick up the entire story. AND PUSH IT... somewhere else, somewhere better, I think. I like the emergent relationships and the comic relief of freeloading roommate. Send the drafts to me, and I can thoroughly edit them.
5/13/2011 c5 Sandrine Georges
I think your writing works best when you let action and its manifestations drive the introspection. Dead patients, spectral liaisons, shiki attacks. All of these offer an emotional lurch to which you can (and have done quite well) attach meaning and consequence.

Please do this instead of describing dormant wine. We understand what you're trying to say with turns of phrase like that, but they're needlessly divergent from the plot and stylistically impotent. You manage to set the scene quite well through your extensive dialogue and the restless nature of your characters.

Too many commas.

And that first bit about buying expensive stuff far away: so true.
5/13/2011 c4 Sandrine Georges
Yea, the sand is back. Needless to say then that I immensely enjoyed the entire first paragraph and the overall feel of the chapter. The interplay between the characters is rather convincing (though I'm still not really sure who they are...really need to actually see Shiki).

One thing though: 'Death' is a little overt. Just try 'death,' or even better, think of something else. Unless 'Death' means something other than death, and I am just too stupid to notice. In which case, you might consider congratulating me on being smart enough to notice that I am too stupid to notice things. Nice.
5/13/2011 c3 Sandrine Georges
Just finished 3.

Prefer the stark simplicity of sentences like 'He hadn't lost a patient if four years' over things like 'he pulled out his sole illumination.'

I like your description of India, and the sense of his restlessness through travel, and the assertion that 'The saltwater air promised a new life.' I can imagine his blood crying for familiar salts, and I like the continuing symbolism of beaches whether it be the sand crumbling into the surf and the atomized particles of ancient and recycled waters suspended in the briny air itself.

And I think I just might have written one of those indulgent, gratuitous, writerly sentences that I had just counseled you to avoid. Oh well.
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