Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Thief x Phoenix x Journey

6/10/2019 c1 Guest
Not too bad. You have a great story idea, but you should edit your sentence structures abit.
12/4/2012 c1 Guest
firstly. Gon's eyes are not black but brown.
Secondly. Kurapika's(did i spell that right) eyes are blue and i think leorio is actually holding a briefcase not a suitcase.
4/17/2011 c1 QueenOfKites
I wouldn't say it's bad, but a piece of advice to you: stop adding author notes in the middle of the story. One or two short ones in a whole story is forgivable if there's a valid reason for them, but you went overboard. Also, use paragraphs more, your story turned into a wall of text at some point.

Also:

"You could literally cut the air with a knife with the tension being so thick, or should she say testosterone?"

This is a misuse of the word 'literally', because this way it's not a metaphore anymore. What you meant was the word 'practically' or something like that. And this was a great pun, too, so please mind that next time. -_-"

Anyway, keep on writing!
4/13/2011 c1 5Mr. Jengablock
You write rather well but, as a first chapter, this doesn't have too much appeal. Your character is young but she knows nen before the hunter exam? Not uncommon, but still a little unbelievable. You took two paragraphs to describe her appearance but I wanted a little more of her personality to shine through. Description doesnt afford much inner thought for the viwewers to aink their teeth into. I get the feeling she's going to be the sort to have had a rough past, right? Tread carefully here, okay? I look forward to reading more of this.

P.s. Good luck, and remember not to include author's notes in the story. It interrupts the flow and makes it seem like a worse story than it is. (All in all, it was pretty good, but you get what I mean.)

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service