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4/20/2016 c2 13Jokermask18
12/8/2012 c19 Guest
Wow! It took me awhile to get used to the changes (I kept picturing Jacob as the Blue Monster Ranger instead of the Black) but they worked out well in the long run.
I've been thinking about doing a kind of AU of my Harry Potter/ Power Rangers crossover. Basically the same as Patronus Force but will have all HP components removed, making it a straight Power Rangers story. I was kind of hoping that you would help me come up with a title for it. I have a few ideas already but I'm still on the lookout for any better ones, since it's still in development.
11/29/2012 c1 3William Lamb
One thing that I've always wondered; is Marco's Monster Ranger powers a ghost?
9/16/2012 c19 1Flaming Man of Iron
I'm not quite sure what will be valuable to you since I know you plan on revising this story a lot and catching "-ly" adverbs after the verb said is only so useful. I guess I'll go with my overall feel of the story and some closeting thoughts.

1.) This story was a fun read overall. From what I remember of the fandom, you evoke the setting and feel of "Power Rangers" fairly well.

2.) You worked hard to differentiate the characters and have them follow through on logical actions/consequences/reactions based on their personality

3.) The stuff with the weeping angels to me, now that I'm thinking about it at 1am... Could be unbelievably creepy and horrific. I'm not sure if that's an angle you're going for, but some nightmare scenes of Jacob after seeing them could be very evocative. (there's a favourite word of mine!)

4.) Food for thought: I'm of the opinion that where possible, it's important to mix different genre's into a story here or there, perhaps just for a scene in a particular chapter, so that every chapter doesn't have the same "feel" to it... It builds more of a rise and fall of an array of emotions in the reader.

Perhaps it's a matter of taste/style/goals of this fiction, but many of the chapters (except for the end) had a similar emotional field. Something like my 3rd point, where the horror aspect of the Weeping Angels could be developed, just for something different. Yes, something like that wouldn't be in a TV show for kids. Yet, it can easily be done in a T rated story and go beyond the shackles of the TV rating system in a very cool way. :) When you are done the revision I'd be interested in rereading the story again.
9/11/2012 c18 Flaming Man of Iron
1.) Again, the one time I see hiss with a "yes" and I just want to see the verb "growled." Seems more like something a frustrated guy would do.

2.) Btw: Awesome twist, be sure to keep it.

3.) At the mention of webs, gills, teeth etc... I've forgotten that he had the latter 2 and only that he had some webs on his hands. Something about teeth, especially kissing with sharp teeth comes to mind.

4.) Apparently to hit someone on the head hard enough for them to pass out is nothing but a hollywood cliche. Apparently in real life you're usually just stunned, and if you do pass out from a blow, chances are you've been dealt some serious brain damage/trauma. (That sounded about right from what I remember of Rugby in middle school.)

5.) "Shoot me," she said thickly.

I'd change this to "Shoot. Me. Elandra, Elandra will bring me back." Some times an intentional word repeat is very evocative.

6.) "Y-you killed her," Jacob stammered to Charlie, incredulously.


"Y-you killed her!" Jacob stammered to Charlie, incredulous.

I'm not sure about using incredulous, since it's telling more than showing, which the dialogue does already.

Interesting story. :)
9/11/2012 c17 Flaming Man of Iron
1.) I'd rewrite this parapgrah just a bit:

"Yeah. Got a problem with that?" Elandra asked, twirling her bow. "Sorry, no time for an answer." She opened fire. Turning invisible, Marco avoided the blasts, and Ivan ducked behind the Chair. The Toxicites charged en masse, and so did Charlie—in the other direction.


"Yeah. Got a problem with that?" Elandra asked, twirling her bow.

Ivan Ooze breathed in quickly, "-

"Sorry, no time for an answer." Elandra opened fire.

Turning invisible, Marco avoided the blasts, and Ivan ducked behind the Chair. The Toxicites charged en masse, and so did Charlie—in the other direction.

2.) "Charlie had raised his crossbow and fired a series of bolts directly at Marco. Explosions ripped through the White Ranger's suit, and he was flung flat on his back."

Didn't Marco just turn invisible? Charlie's special power is clinging to walls, or am I missing something else?

3.) I like Ivan Ooze's growing exasperation so far. I think it could be highlighted just a tad more, mainly because it's hilarious to read.

4.) "Ha-ha-ha," Ivan said sarcastically.

I'd just take out the -ly adverb, the preceding dialogue makes that obvious. ;)

5.) "Marco's out and about. Don't worry, I think I can handle it," the Green Ranger replied. "Probably." Ivan let out a short laugh.

I'd change this just a bit:

"Marco's out and about. Don't worry, I think I can handle it. Probably," the Green Ranger replied. Ivan let out an abrupt laugh.

This way it's perfectly clear it is the Green ranger talking the whole time.

6.) Just a FYI, some of my earlier advice still stands on what is Jacob thinking, adding more "maleness" to some of this thoughts etc. Just because I don't mention it every review doesn't mean it can't be applied. ;)

7.) "I'll take that as a no," Ivan said flatly.

again, just take out the adverb. The dialogue is strong without it.

8.) Use of the word "literally" bothers some people. I'd maybe change the ending to:

The last thing Jacob heard, as he passed out, was Ivan Ooze's loud laughter right in his ears.
9/10/2012 c16 Flaming Man of Iron
1.) I'd rewrite this passage just a little bit.

"We don't need her getting sick," he said, in answer to Charlie's questioning look. The Red Ranger nodded, and Elandra wrapped herself up without a word.

Jacob studied his teammate for a moment. "Is he mad at you?"

2.) -ly uses this chapter:

"I…never knew Fischer very well," Jacob said truthfully.


"I... never knew Fischer very well," Jacob said. Hopefully the truth would set him free.

"We still haven't named that thing," Ivan Ooze said suddenly. "The chair."


Ivan Ooze quickly glanced at the chair as well. "We still haven't named that thing. The chair."

3.) Jacob stopped the video, and looked away from the Angel's face with a shiver.

Ok, I'm not sure if you've done so before, but I can't remember a description of what these "Angels" look like. A brief description to explain why he shiver's would be neat.

4.) "These are KO-35 tears. Do the math. Let's go."

I feel like I missed something on why these would do anything?

5.) If the pink ranger is struggling feebly on the ground, how is she the next minute and to stand back to back with Jacob to fight things off?

6.) A little more on what the damage did to Marco would be nice. He dissapears and then comes back, is this an invisibility thing?

7.) Did Ivan mention something about sending Heather and joey out earlier? I know you mentioned that two "monster ranges got caught" but I'm not really sure on when or how that happened earlier. This is from Jacob's POV, so if he doesn't know about that, then the reader won't either. Just seems to come out the blue, just a bit.

8.) "Jacob let out a hysterical little laugh."

Now that is a great finishing line. ;)
9/10/2012 c15 Flaming Man of Iron
1.) Name use, I see it's something cropping up in many chapters.

-The door slid open, and Jacob heard Ivan Ooze's robes rustling on the floor. Cautiously, *Jacob opened his eyes, and the purple man grinned at him.

"Not like I have anything else to do," Jacob said. Ivan Ooze turned on the wall screen and sat down next to *Jacob. It showed the Satellite Base, hovering near the Moon. *Jacob turned his head to look at Ivan Ooze. "Isn't this kind of…I don't know, weirdly friendly for you?" He asked.

2.) I have the feeling Jacob would have been FREAKING out when Charlie outed him. I know you address it later on, but it should be mentioned right away. If Ivan Ooze doesn't mention it, that's fine, he's a calculating guy, that can be worked in.

Also I think a stray thought about Heather, what would the consequences of him being caught do to her would be well placed.

3.)The action happens very quickly this chapter, some of the transitions between scenes are very sudden and take me a second to realize that it's a new scene.

4.) Some POV stuff:

Elandra stared at her husband for a long minute. "If you care about the safety of your brat, then cry," Marco said coldly. Elandra's breath caught in her throat.

In that second sentence I'd write instead "Jacob could see her breath catch."

5.) "Yes," Jacob breathed.

Gah. I dislike breathed as a verb for talking, but I've mentioned that before.

6.) I'm not quite sure how, but I think the ending could be a little more dramatic. I'm not exactly sure what to suggest, other than adding a stronger element of surprise and danger. ;)
9/5/2012 c14 Flaming Man of Iron
1.) "You're here. Very well, from now onwards, no holds barred," Marco said flatly. - "You're here." Marco's words were spoken with a lack of emotion to Jacob that actually gave him the chills. "Very well, from now onwards, no holds barred."

2.) "Brilliant. How do we get her?" Ivan asked sarcastically, folding his arms. - Just take out the "sarcastically" the dialogue implies that already.

3.) In this chapter and the previous one, a line here or there about Jacob and Heather's relationship would be good. The end of this chapter has Heather watching out for Jacob, but I think a little bit more meat would go a long way.

I have to say this story is an entertaining read, I really don't mind doing this for you at all. :)
9/5/2012 c13 Flaming Man of Iron
1.) Ok, since I know you like to use synonym's for "said" and are on the other stylistic side of the fence; I'm only going to pick at synonyms I think are off.

" "You weren't followed?" Charlie breathed." Bothers me.

I know that you're implying Charlie breathily made the statem, but it just sounds off, as the verb "breathing" is typically not associated with speaking, even though we exhale when we speak. "breathed" or "breathing" a sentence gives me the picture that he used his breath or something to try and pronounce the words without using his mouth.

2.) "I can't!" Jacob hissed. Hissed... This is tricky verb. I've retained it in one chapter and am still unsure about keeping it on a reread. I think if there's a strong "S" sound in the sentence, maybe. It just strikes me as telling, though it's also trying to show a very specific type of way a sentence is said in a short, compact form that I think would otherwise take a lot of words to "show", which would be guilty of the sin of telling in another sense.

3.) "Understood," Jacob said slowly. - Jacob's response was slow to come. "Understood."

4.) Jacob crept back out, and into the empty training room. He was about to go back into his own quarters, when he heard voices. Turning, **Jacob saw that there was a light on in Fischer's old quarters. Marco must have taken them.

I'd turn that second Jacob into a "he".

5.) The conversation between Marco and Ivan ooze was very creepy, well done.

6.) "Understood," Layla said stiffly. - Layla stiffened. "Understood."

7.) "Used this Phaedosian ship's restorative energy to return Ivan Ooze's body to a life-sustaining state," Marco said curtly - Marco's words were curt. "I used this Phaedosian ship's restorative energy to return Ivan Ooze's body to a life-sustaining state."

8.) KO-35?

9.) Why would the Steller Rangers be taking of Joey's helmet? I guess this is intentional from the other character's reactions.

10.) "I'm still loyal to you guys," the Black Ranger said quickly. - "I'm still loyal to you guys," the Black Ranger said, sounding quite nervous to Jacob.

This is a way of implying he's speaking quickly, since nervous people often speak fast.
9/4/2012 c12 Flaming Man of Iron
-1.) Yeah, the more I think of "pinging" the more I think it needs to be in there, even if it's just a bit. Jacob is what, 21? If he's got the hots for Heather it's gotta be shown, not assumed.

1.) Sorry, I made an oopsie, I meant Heather not Layla in my previous review.

2.) I'd be curious to see more interaction with Jacob and Heather actually, even it's a "they began to kiss" with a "fade to black" kind of moment or something like that. This also goes for the last chapter, but I'm also thinking of the ones before that. Guys generally pursue physical contact (or even just "nearness") with women they're interested in a lot unless they're very self aware and have good self control. That or they're just not that interested. In actual fact, it seems Jacob is just not that interested in Heather, as written so far. (not including the stuff later in this chapter. I did take a long break, so YMMV.)

3.) I keep thinking back on this point, when considering his loyalty to the team etc... This will be greatly influenced by his relationship with Heather, and his desire to pursue her. For most guys pursuing women is a very addictive rush, it's why some men never stop, even when they're in relationships. They find stability boring and the "thrill of the hunt" is more interesting to them than the relationship itself. If they're successful, they typically leave a trail of broken hearts and (if there's no BC) bastards behind them. If they're not successful, they're just a boor. ;)

4.) When Layla says

Layla's voice was flat. "We're a team. I would have done the same for you. I owe you nothing."

What are her hands doing when she says that? I keep picturing them poking Jacob, or pointing at him, but the words are there on the screen. It's like there's an accent/piece missing.

I think it's something to keep in mind, when you have dialogue to add in some physical notes to how they're standing and interacting with the space around them. You don't ignore this completely, just something that could be added in a bit more frequently.'

Another thought on this vein

"So why not turn me in, and get a more loyal replacement?" Jacob asked. Now Layla faced him fully, holding a torn jumpsuit loosely in her right hand.

"Like I said, we are a team now. We look out for each other. Besides, reluctance hasn't stopped you from helping us."

This is realistic, things have been torn, but I think it doesn't emphasize how irritated she is with him.

I might change it to: (this assumes she keeps the torn jumpsuit rather than chucking it)

"So why not turn me in, and get a more loyal replacement?" Jacob asked.

Now Layla faced him fully, holding a torn jumpsuit loosely in her right hand. "Like I said," she shoved the jumpsuit back on the hanger, "we are a team now." Jacob watched her closet rattle as she forced the errant hanger into the pole. "We look out for each other. Besides, reluctance hasn't stopped you from helping us."

5.) Some thoughts on Men expressing emotions. Men often show how they feel physically, which requires women to read their body language, because most guys with women they don't know well won't ever express much in the way of emotions other than anger. Men are deeply cautious about sharing their feelings with women (in some ways more than men) to avoid appearing weak and avoiding being shamed.

A huge part of male culture is avoidance of shame. Be a macho jerk so no one can accuse you of being afraid. Talk about sex or women (at the lowest common denominator that is acceptable with the group) with the guys so no one thinks you're gay. Never appear weak. Never voice failures, unless there is a deep trust that the man will not be shamed by those whom with he is sharing.

6.) This chapter and the last one both had the phrase "for a long minute". I know I've seen it in other ones. I struggle with finding similar alternative phrases for such a situation, when you get to reviewing my fic I think you'll find them. :)

7.) It's not clear at the end when Jacob and Heather argue why they were heaving when they maybe said one or two angry sentences to the other... I didn't get a big enough sense of build up and a sustained argument. I mean, it sort of fits, but it could fit better. Not sure exactly how. I think more showing though dialogue beats and maybe a couple more lines for each character to build the argument.

Ok, well that's it for today. :)
9/4/2012 c11 Flaming Man of Iron
I guess Jacob being able to deal with the cold would have come with gills, but it doesn't have to. I liked the realism with the mess it created.

1.) That said, I'm starting to feel the angst a bit, as he wrestles a bit more in the lake of what to do. I'm not sure if you're hesitent to have longer narrative inner monologuing, but I think a second or third paragraphs of hard though could be good. Of course, I think he needs more earlier on too. It just seems like a great opportunity, in the middle of a lake to just let go and... *think*, think hard.

One second he's grinning (or I pictured him grinning, maybe something to put in?) about pwning the Steller Corps, and the next sentence is talking about betraying his team again. There's a strong conflict between his urge to get out and loyalty to his team that just needs (to me) more exploration, I don't know *why* really, deep down he's doing what he's doing.

2.) When he sees Layla, he's going to evaluate her mood, great her and test her reaction, if he has strong feelings for her, even if it's very quick. Most young guys (insecure or not) look for constant feedback from women they're interested to very carefully monitor how things are going with the relationship. Guys will "ping" a girl they have a thing with to see how the girl feels towards them at that exact moment and evaluate what they need to do next continue the relationship's development.

And I don't think I've ever put that in words before, but the behavior is so instinctual I think for most guys that it goes without saying. At least for me.

3.) It has been a few days, but I can't remember if Ivan Ooze is a new character or not.

4.) "Ivan Ooze?" The Pink Ranger, who'd screamed, demanded.

Needs fixing with the two verbs, I'd write it something like:

"Ivan Ooze?" The Pink Ranger screamed. "IVAN OOZE?!" The scream turned into a demand.


"Ivan Ooze?" The Pink Ranger, who'd screamed, no Jacob realized, it was a demand.

5.) Good point about the Alchemist watching Jacob freeze up, he's done it a lot.
8/25/2012 c10 Flaming Man of Iron
This is getting interesting!

1.) adverbs we meet again! ""Sir," Layla said, speaking slowly," Of course the difficulty is that showing "slow" speach is really hard, I think. Lots of commas and semicolons can help, but can be obnoxious. Hmm. Tough one.

2.) So Zordon has been having power rangers around for thousands of years? Was this in a previously civilization or back when we were all barbarians? ;)

3.) Dialogue spacing:

"I thought something was wrong," Jacob said, sitting across from him. "Aside from, well, everything. What is it?" Charlie took a deep breath, ran his hands through his brown hair, and looked up.

"I know that guy—Ivan Ooze, at least."

should be like below so it's clear that the second sentence is something Jacob says not Charlie.

"I thought something was wrong," Jacob said, sitting across from him. "Aside from, well, everything. What is it?"

Charlie took a deep breath, ran his hands through his brown hair, and looked up. "I know that guy—Ivan Ooze, at least."

3.) While finding about about Charlie's mom is a neat reveal, I'm still not sure what Jacob is thinking and feeling about the Alchemist reveal. There's a good line about how he's not sure what to say to Charlie, I just feel like I need/want to hear more of Jacob's thoughts.

4.)On that line of thinking, (get it! :P) what does Jacob think/feel about the Stellar rangers other than their the good guys who he wants to be?

5.) "Jacob felt like he was high on adrenaline, though in Zord form that probably wasn't how it worked." Some more exposition on *why* he feels like he's high on adrenaline would be neat. I get it that he's in a fight, but is he suddenly winning and making his enemies look like a fool? That's a pretty big rush, but I didn't see that happening.

6.) "Lagrange" Zord? As a math major I'm used to hearing of the french mathematician's results, but somehow I don't think that's what you're going for here.

7.) Who's Rex? I'm guessing Tony and James are part of the Stellar Corps, but it's very odd to start hearing everything from their POV in the middle of a Legion of Monster Chapter.

8.) "A sudden chill shot down his arms, and adrenaline began coursing through his body". Just a thought, you've already had the "adrenaline began coursing through his body" line in this chapter already. Who says it has to be adrenaline at all?

I think "A sudden chill shot down his arms and body." is pretty good for the scene.

9.) I read through the powers they got and was kinda... Underwhelmed. When is breathing underwater going to be useful? I guess we'll find out.

Otherwise this is an interesting story. Not my usual type, but you've got a compelling story here. :)
8/25/2012 c9 Flaming Man of Iron
1.) Same adverb use closely together at:

"This prompted a quietly exasperated sigh from Layla, which both ignored.

Quietly, Jacob squeezed behind a dusty computer panel"

2.) In the part of the second line:

"Quietly, Jacob squeezed behind a dusty computer panel, Heather crawled under a desk, and Layla magically vanished into an alcove"

I think the "and" could be replaced with "while" to for slightly better effect.

3.) "The Red Ranger punched Joey across the room, and went after his opposite"

This is ever so slightly confusing, as I ahd to realize it was the red ranger, not joey who went after his opposite. Maybe a note like "went after his evil opposite" just to a bit more clear.

4.) You've sort of shown that Jacob doesn't want to be a bad guy, but sometimes I wonder why he's willing to betray his own team. I think sometimes what gets missed is Jacob's sense of the group, and his attachment to it.

Some people (mostly women, men who should know better) talk about how men endlessly compete with each other to establish a place in the group heriarchy. More serious research has revealed that women typically excel in one on one relationships and the emotional nuances of those, men intuit group dynamics quite well even if they don't notice a woman "dropping hints" she's interested.

Another point is that men want to know that they contribute somehow. Betrayal of the group is the complete antithesis to this. Every guy knows that he's not the best at everything, but in a group, a guy wants to feel like he's the best at something (in a small group) and in a larger group is better than average of the group in a few talents.

For most men, knowing their place, and their future place in the group is a very important thing. The bigger and more dynamic the group, the more fluid this becomes. Does Jacob plan on finding a new group with the stellar rangers? Does he really not like working with his current group? Does he have a plan for them? Is he loyal to them? It's hard to say, not much is revealed about this.

5.) I liked how much the toxites accidently kept injuring Jacob. It was very refreshing for some reason.

6.) Neat reveal about the alchemist, I have no idea if this is following canon or is something new.
8/24/2012 c8 Flaming Man of Iron
-1.) The trivia note in Chapter 7 seems like it should be something that comes up naturally in the chapter, not something found out at the bottom of the page.

1.) I know you tried not to, but the first three lines have "Jacob" as the first or second word. It is a bit distracting.

2.) Starting sentences with "and". I thought i wasn't doing it that much, at first it seemed like a neat literary trick... Then I did a word search for "and" on a chapter per chapter basis; the results were not pretty.

I'm not sure if you do this already, but I've found that a wordcount search for certain words can be really helpful to spot patterns in your story.

3.) Character name use:

"Joey, are you okay?" Joey didn't move. Coming nearer, Jacob noticed that the Black Ranger was biting his lip hard enough to draw blood, though the fangs made that easier. "Joey?"

"Leave me alone!" Joey cried, leaping to his feet and still not looking at Jacob. "You're dead! You can't be real!"

"Joey…who are you talking to?" Jacob tried, putting a hand on Joey's shoulder awkwardly. Joey started, and looked around the room with bloodshot eyes. Sweat gleamed on his unnaturally white face, and his hands shook as he pushed his hair out of his eyes.

Has the name Joey showing up 7 times in 7 lines on my monitor. Looks too frequent. I think you can get it down to 4 or 5.

4.) I'm not sure which is proper: leapt or leaped, but leaped looks off and the autocorrect says lept and leapt are wrong too. Hmm.

5.) The two fired shots in their prey's rough direction, close enough to scare but not enough to hurt, shattering several large monuments as they did.

More exposition would be good. I know some of what happens is a "throw away", the monuments got destroyed... Sometimes knowing what they destroy is neat. Maybe something in particular they destroy comes back to haunt them? I dunno.

Interesting chapter, I like how they're sending messages to the Good Rangers, it's creative. :)
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