for An unexpected surprise7/10/2012 c1 megaphantom
Hi this is megaphantom I have a challenge for you try to make a ty archer/Paige Logan story for grossology
Hi this is megaphantom I have a challenge for you try to make a ty archer/Paige Logan story for grossology
3/26/2012 c1 Anirtak-Babbu
Wow! That was pretty interesting for a beginning chapter. I love how you gave the reader some background information as to what triggered the parasites.
The way the change of point of view is organized is slightly appalling however. It's somewhat confusing how the story is changed from Chester's point of view suddenly switches to Abby's.
You really need to revise the punctuation for this chapter. Some of the sentences need to have commas and periods, and the capitalization of every word in a sentence is not needed for dialogue. A simple exclamation mark will do. Also, 'cuz' is not a word. If you need to shorten the word 'because' to sound like 'cuz', then you write it as " 'cause ".
I also noticed that you used really weak descriptive words when writing this. During a first chapter, the reader wants to know detailed information about the setting of where the story takes place. I was somewhat left wondering about the surroundings of Chester.
When Abby wonders if a guy could "make her feel ithat/i nervous and in love", it would've been interesting if you could have told why she felt this way. It sort of leaves you wondering why she would feel like that.
Anyway, as for who I would rather Abby to all in love with, I wouldn't really prefer her to fall in love with anyone. It wouldn't work with Lab Rat (even though I enjoyed this pair as an on-and-off-again pair a few years ago) because it wouldn't work. They would argue a lot and the relationship (if they started going steady) would crumble and lead to drama between the entire team of Grossologists. Chester and Abby wouldn't work out (in my opinion) because even though Abby had feelings for Chester, she knows that Kid Rot and the parasites are still within him. She remembers that night at camp when he almost killed her. Even though she feels sorry for him, I feel that deep inside her heart and her mind she knows that it wouldn't work out. I'm not sure if there is another character to ship Abby with, my friend. Well, there is that blonde-haired guy that she and Paige both like. There isn't much known about him, so writing in character would be rather difficult. I think that it would be somehow cute if Abby became a bit smitten to him throughout the story, but nothing serious because Paige would snatch him away from her. If you can come up with a well-developed FC (fan character), maybe-just imaybe/i it would be very interesting to read about how Abby somehow falls in love with him. But, this FC must be extremely well-developed or it will fail ultimately. Stories with canon characters and fan characters being shipped are often poorly written.
Honestly, it's up to you who you have Abby to fall in love with. I don't really care. As long as it isn't extremely poorly written, makes sense, and isn't completely one-sided, then I'll be interested.
Please do not take this critique harshly. I'm just trying to help you improve your writing. I encourage you to keep working at it because I'm sure you will get better with a little help along the way.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. May your writings improve stupendously throughout the years. :)
- A.B. ♥
(p.s. I reviewed the third chapter before this one.)
Wow! That was pretty interesting for a beginning chapter. I love how you gave the reader some background information as to what triggered the parasites.
The way the change of point of view is organized is slightly appalling however. It's somewhat confusing how the story is changed from Chester's point of view suddenly switches to Abby's.
You really need to revise the punctuation for this chapter. Some of the sentences need to have commas and periods, and the capitalization of every word in a sentence is not needed for dialogue. A simple exclamation mark will do. Also, 'cuz' is not a word. If you need to shorten the word 'because' to sound like 'cuz', then you write it as " 'cause ".
I also noticed that you used really weak descriptive words when writing this. During a first chapter, the reader wants to know detailed information about the setting of where the story takes place. I was somewhat left wondering about the surroundings of Chester.
When Abby wonders if a guy could "make her feel ithat/i nervous and in love", it would've been interesting if you could have told why she felt this way. It sort of leaves you wondering why she would feel like that.
Anyway, as for who I would rather Abby to all in love with, I wouldn't really prefer her to fall in love with anyone. It wouldn't work with Lab Rat (even though I enjoyed this pair as an on-and-off-again pair a few years ago) because it wouldn't work. They would argue a lot and the relationship (if they started going steady) would crumble and lead to drama between the entire team of Grossologists. Chester and Abby wouldn't work out (in my opinion) because even though Abby had feelings for Chester, she knows that Kid Rot and the parasites are still within him. She remembers that night at camp when he almost killed her. Even though she feels sorry for him, I feel that deep inside her heart and her mind she knows that it wouldn't work out. I'm not sure if there is another character to ship Abby with, my friend. Well, there is that blonde-haired guy that she and Paige both like. There isn't much known about him, so writing in character would be rather difficult. I think that it would be somehow cute if Abby became a bit smitten to him throughout the story, but nothing serious because Paige would snatch him away from her. If you can come up with a well-developed FC (fan character), maybe-just imaybe/i it would be very interesting to read about how Abby somehow falls in love with him. But, this FC must be extremely well-developed or it will fail ultimately. Stories with canon characters and fan characters being shipped are often poorly written.
Honestly, it's up to you who you have Abby to fall in love with. I don't really care. As long as it isn't extremely poorly written, makes sense, and isn't completely one-sided, then I'll be interested.
Please do not take this critique harshly. I'm just trying to help you improve your writing. I encourage you to keep working at it because I'm sure you will get better with a little help along the way.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. May your writings improve stupendously throughout the years. :)
- A.B. ♥
(p.s. I reviewed the third chapter before this one.)
3/26/2012 c3 Anirtak-Babbu
Hello~
It's about time you updated this story, haha. :) Let me offer some critique. I'm not too good with giving constructive criticism, but I'll try my best.
First of all, I'd like to say that this is a very interesting piece of writing, my dear. I've been looking forward to it's update for a while now. However, I'm slightly disappointed. This chapter could have been a bit longer and it was not very entertaining except for the part when Lance Boil and the Director were wrestling. Next time you update, see if you are able to give more details throughout the chapter.
The detention scene was a bit boring, I must say. Honestly, it was too short. I would have liked to know more about Chester's surroundings. Also, I would've liked to know about why Chester found this girl so mysterious.
The plot line is becoming a bit hard to follow right now. It sort of leaves you wondering how does this play a part in the plot and it also makes you wonder what this story is even about. Your summary doesn't help much either. See that you revise that summary and give the readers a little bit of the plot line, but make it somewhat interesting so that they'll be tempted to read and find out what happens.
Also, you might want to see if you can update a bit more often. But, I do understand that finding time to write and come up with ideas can be a bit frustrating and/or difficult, so no pressure on you about that. Take your time if you have to, but please do keep in mind that readers are often turned off by waiting so long for an update and potential readers are turned off because they see that the story hasn't been updated in a while.
That is just about everything that I wanted to mention critique-wise. It is a pleasure to read your writings and I wish you luck in improving on your writing skills. I look forward to your next update with great anticipation.
Thank you for taking the time to read this~
- A.B. ♥
Hello~
It's about time you updated this story, haha. :) Let me offer some critique. I'm not too good with giving constructive criticism, but I'll try my best.
First of all, I'd like to say that this is a very interesting piece of writing, my dear. I've been looking forward to it's update for a while now. However, I'm slightly disappointed. This chapter could have been a bit longer and it was not very entertaining except for the part when Lance Boil and the Director were wrestling. Next time you update, see if you are able to give more details throughout the chapter.
The detention scene was a bit boring, I must say. Honestly, it was too short. I would have liked to know more about Chester's surroundings. Also, I would've liked to know about why Chester found this girl so mysterious.
The plot line is becoming a bit hard to follow right now. It sort of leaves you wondering how does this play a part in the plot and it also makes you wonder what this story is even about. Your summary doesn't help much either. See that you revise that summary and give the readers a little bit of the plot line, but make it somewhat interesting so that they'll be tempted to read and find out what happens.
Also, you might want to see if you can update a bit more often. But, I do understand that finding time to write and come up with ideas can be a bit frustrating and/or difficult, so no pressure on you about that. Take your time if you have to, but please do keep in mind that readers are often turned off by waiting so long for an update and potential readers are turned off because they see that the story hasn't been updated in a while.
That is just about everything that I wanted to mention critique-wise. It is a pleasure to read your writings and I wish you luck in improving on your writing skills. I look forward to your next update with great anticipation.
Thank you for taking the time to read this~
- A.B. ♥
1/16/2012 c1 
5dark.violet.luminescence
Hi! Thank you so much for your review on my story :D I really appreciate it (: your story here sounds very interesting hehe I like the animated words.
5dark.violet.luminescenceHi! Thank you so much for your review on my story :D I really appreciate it (: your story here sounds very interesting hehe I like the animated words.
6/14/2011 c1 blood
hey the names blood one of your favorite stories is httyd's HOMECOMING right.
well it's mine too that line about astrid choping off snotlouts manhood.
that bit was all mine i thought it would be a hit.
if you don't believe me check the reviews on the story and look for blood
hey the names blood one of your favorite stories is httyd's HOMECOMING right.
well it's mine too that line about astrid choping off snotlouts manhood.
that bit was all mine i thought it would be a hit.
if you don't believe me check the reviews on the story and look for blood
5/30/2011 c2 23Nagasha
Sorry for my other review being blank. I guess I overloaded the system with too many CHESTER!s...
This is a really good story, although you may want to space out you're paragraphs. They're a bit bunched together.
23NagashaSorry for my other review being blank. I guess I overloaded the system with too many CHESTER!s...
This is a really good story, although you may want to space out you're paragraphs. They're a bit bunched together.
4/25/2011 c1 40Flowing Tears
This was a fun start. I don’t really care who she falls in love with. Labrat is cool and all, but I personally think Chester could use a shoulder to cry on. So whoever you choose, either one of them. Unless of course you come up with an awesome OC, but those are hard to make, especially when one of the mains is falling in love with them.
Hope you can update soon, this started out interesting enough.
40Flowing TearsThis was a fun start. I don’t really care who she falls in love with. Labrat is cool and all, but I personally think Chester could use a shoulder to cry on. So whoever you choose, either one of them. Unless of course you come up with an awesome OC, but those are hard to make, especially when one of the mains is falling in love with them.
Hope you can update soon, this started out interesting enough.
4/19/2011 c1 prenez soin de vous
Dude, this is freakin' awesomeness! I can't even write something like this! (I'm jealous, lol jk)
I say... CHESTER! I'd get really jealous if Abby fell in love with Lab Rat...if you know what I mean...
Dude, this is freakin' awesomeness! I can't even write something like this! (I'm jealous, lol jk)
I say... CHESTER! I'd get really jealous if Abby fell in love with Lab Rat...if you know what I mean...
4/18/2011 c1 TAPSfan201
Very good so far. Please keep going. P.S. Abby and Chester all the way!
Very good so far. Please keep going. P.S. Abby and Chester all the way!