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for The Secret Within

5/10/2011 c1 45shelter
Sorry for the late review.

I can roughly follow the progress in this chapter. But for an introduction, there's a bit too much events going on. I'm not exactly sure why you chose to use a narrated flashback to form the bulk of the chapter. Since this is the opening chapter, why not tell Shale's story as it happens, rather than in a flashback?

Also, a bit of confusion in the way you introduce your characters. I can understand that you want a bit of description, but because you go right away into dialogue, there's not too much characterization of either Yath or Shale. There's the issue of calling them Sandy & Brown, which adds to the confusion.

I think that it's not so much Cale & Akima appearing, but just focusing on 1 aspect of your story (Shale's theivery, Yath's boorishness, their capture OR their motive) that will determine the strength of your story. So keep on writing... don't let this frank review discourage you. Will review as your chapters come up.
5/4/2011 c1 5Specter06
Now this could actually be the start of a very interesting (and long) story. It's interesting so far and I liked it. Be sure to bring in characters from the movie in the next chapter (as you promised).

People are more willing to read if you bring in the original cast. So far the story is not a fanfic. You haven't used a single element of TAE yet. That means it's an original work so far.

I took a look at your profile and indeed I hope people will notice this story to make it worth continuing. You've got my interest though but don't expect tons of reviews. The fandom is 'alive' but it's small.

There's one thing I still don't understand. Why did you ask for my help with naming species, planets and that sort of stuff? You seemed to have done fine on your own.

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