for Snapshots of a Gray World6/27/2011 c5 
7JanusGirl101
I really like this. I think you got them both just right. I could see this happening, even though it didn't. Great drabble.
7JanusGirl101I really like this. I think you got them both just right. I could see this happening, even though it didn't. Great drabble.
6/27/2011 c5 31Another Artist
Cliched, but appropriate.
You miss a couple of commas at times. I think you could work on smoothing out some things so they don't sound choppy either, like the first line.
Other than that, however, everything else seemed fine.
Good job and good luck :)
31Another ArtistCliched, but appropriate.
You miss a couple of commas at times. I think you could work on smoothing out some things so they don't sound choppy either, like the first line.
Other than that, however, everything else seemed fine.
Good job and good luck :)
6/27/2011 c4 Another Artist
I only saw one typo - where you would put a comma in place of a period after the dialogue. You did this quite a few times.
Um, all dialogue is fun, but difficult at the same time. I think you used too many "..."'s to show the silence, especially if it's more than three at a time. I felt as if it made it a lot more choppy.
This drabble seemed rather random, unfortunately. It didn't strike me a favorite. It'd be nice, however, to see you try this again with a different plot and more action between the two characters rather than them simply speaking.
Good job and good luck!
I only saw one typo - where you would put a comma in place of a period after the dialogue. You did this quite a few times.
Um, all dialogue is fun, but difficult at the same time. I think you used too many "..."'s to show the silence, especially if it's more than three at a time. I felt as if it made it a lot more choppy.
This drabble seemed rather random, unfortunately. It didn't strike me a favorite. It'd be nice, however, to see you try this again with a different plot and more action between the two characters rather than them simply speaking.
Good job and good luck!
6/22/2011 c4 Volcanic Lily
IDK if I've reviewed any of these drabbles, so if not, nice work on all of them. And doing one wholly made up of dialogue? Wow, seems difficult; I'd never want to try that myself. XD It is a bit confusing- you know, because of the "only dialogue" thing- but still, it's really good. And not too sappy at all, thus making it more believable. *claps* Looking forward to the next one! :D
~Lily
IDK if I've reviewed any of these drabbles, so if not, nice work on all of them. And doing one wholly made up of dialogue? Wow, seems difficult; I'd never want to try that myself. XD It is a bit confusing- you know, because of the "only dialogue" thing- but still, it's really good. And not too sappy at all, thus making it more believable. *claps* Looking forward to the next one! :D
~Lily
6/15/2011 c3 31Another Artist
"Collapsing on her brother's sofa[,] she cried and cried and cried." - You needed a comma between 'sofa' and 'she'.
"Her mascara, magically, hadn't smeared." - You don't necessarily need the comma in this one because magically is just describing it. I think you COULD have it, but it's not needed.
"Typically, it was used to help in a girl's relationship with a boy. Not a girl's relationship with her own mother." - Because the second sentence is an imcomplete one, it should be combined with the one before it. Either use a semicolon or a dash.
You fixed your way of dialogue! I'm not sure if I said that in the earlier drabble, but I know you had that off in the first. /is very happy.
I liked this one :) The beginning/ending lines were put together very nicely, and I especially liked the last line.
Good job and good luck!
31Another Artist"Collapsing on her brother's sofa[,] she cried and cried and cried." - You needed a comma between 'sofa' and 'she'.
"Her mascara, magically, hadn't smeared." - You don't necessarily need the comma in this one because magically is just describing it. I think you COULD have it, but it's not needed.
"Typically, it was used to help in a girl's relationship with a boy. Not a girl's relationship with her own mother." - Because the second sentence is an imcomplete one, it should be combined with the one before it. Either use a semicolon or a dash.
You fixed your way of dialogue! I'm not sure if I said that in the earlier drabble, but I know you had that off in the first. /is very happy.
I liked this one :) The beginning/ending lines were put together very nicely, and I especially liked the last line.
Good job and good luck!
6/13/2011 c3 1Paarkhi
Zing! All of them were beautiful just wow i mostly hate amyxian fics but yours was awsome I Almost cried for nats * snif snif* jk! But still and Dan was just wow like I tottly understand how he feels ( zing I talk alot) :) can you do a natxdan one pwwweeezzz
1PaarkhiZing! All of them were beautiful just wow i mostly hate amyxian fics but yours was awsome I Almost cried for nats * snif snif* jk! But still and Dan was just wow like I tottly understand how he feels ( zing I talk alot) :) can you do a natxdan one pwwweeezzz
6/13/2011 c3 10SqueakyDolphin6
I really liked this. You did it very well. I love the back story and how you tied it in to the aftermath of Isabel's trial. Really, really good Natalie angst.
10SqueakyDolphin6I really liked this. You did it very well. I love the back story and how you tied it in to the aftermath of Isabel's trial. Really, really good Natalie angst.
6/5/2011 c2 31Another Artist
Cute :) I didn't find any mistakes either! [cheers]
I like the ending especially, where he relates himself to Alice. I'm glad Dan was in character, as well.
Ah, I wish I had more to say, but because you have no mistakes or anything in particular I feel the need to nitpick, I must say...
Good job :)
31Another ArtistCute :) I didn't find any mistakes either! [cheers]
I like the ending especially, where he relates himself to Alice. I'm glad Dan was in character, as well.
Ah, I wish I had more to say, but because you have no mistakes or anything in particular I feel the need to nitpick, I must say...
Good job :)
6/5/2011 c2 the-spider-queen
Yeah, that makes sense. And how Alice...I had to read Alice in Wonderland 3 times to get that? OMG! That was a spiny book. I love the movie. Great story drabble. :)
Yeah, that makes sense. And how Alice...I had to read Alice in Wonderland 3 times to get that? OMG! That was a spiny book. I love the movie. Great story drabble. :)
6/5/2011 c2 SugarQueen8490 isn't logged in
AAAAAAHHHH! That was just as amazing as the last installment! :D :D :D :D You're a really awesome writer! I did see one mistake that I should point out to you. When Dan said "...huh?" you probably would've been better to actually write down that he pause a minute before saying anything. So it'd be like this if I were writing:
"I think that-and this is my personal opinion, mind you-she is lost in the sense of yes, she knows where she is, but does she know WHO she is?"
Dan paused a moment before answering. "Huh..." was his eloquent reply.
That's all. Anyway, awesome story! :D
~Sugar
AAAAAAHHHH! That was just as amazing as the last installment! :D :D :D :D You're a really awesome writer! I did see one mistake that I should point out to you. When Dan said "...huh?" you probably would've been better to actually write down that he pause a minute before saying anything. So it'd be like this if I were writing:
"I think that-and this is my personal opinion, mind you-she is lost in the sense of yes, she knows where she is, but does she know WHO she is?"
Dan paused a moment before answering. "Huh..." was his eloquent reply.
That's all. Anyway, awesome story! :D
~Sugar
6/5/2011 c2 omg-KITTENS
Cool! That's a really interesting and creative connection! I love what you did there. There were a couple mistakes, so I'll put them here. Don't worry, they're just little ones.
You said: "Alice and Wonderland could be confusing for a 3rd grader, after all." Spell out "third". It looks better.
You said: "They seated in the library, on the window seat that Amy and Grace had always occupied." You forgot "were" in between "they" and "seated".
You said: "And finally, did Dan fully understand what it was like to be Alice." This entence sounds a bit awkward. I suggest taking out "did" and changing "understand" to "understood".
That's it! Good luck!
~Kittens
Cool! That's a really interesting and creative connection! I love what you did there. There were a couple mistakes, so I'll put them here. Don't worry, they're just little ones.
You said: "Alice and Wonderland could be confusing for a 3rd grader, after all." Spell out "third". It looks better.
You said: "They seated in the library, on the window seat that Amy and Grace had always occupied." You forgot "were" in between "they" and "seated".
You said: "And finally, did Dan fully understand what it was like to be Alice." This entence sounds a bit awkward. I suggest taking out "did" and changing "understand" to "understood".
That's it! Good luck!
~Kittens
6/4/2011 c1 MaridglesROCKYOURSOCKSOFF
that was amazing! Cant wait till you update!
that was amazing! Cant wait till you update!
5/25/2011 c1 26Syberian Quest
Definitely a good job for your first story. :)
It was sweet, despite being a bit sad, and I think you have oodles of potential.
Some grammar errors that others pointed out I will not mention, but I caught a few more that I will.
"glance to the window." I'd say "towards" the window.
"strangely funny too." A comma for a pause would sound a bit better here, I believe.
"If you weren't a Lucian and I a Madrigal." I think a comma shoulder go after Lucian.
"bible" Always capitalized.
"what was that" The w in "what" should have been capitalized.
'in bible.' "In Bible"
As for the story itself, there were a few things that I'd mention. Some of Amy's wording in the letter was a bit awkward, , and some of the things that she said didn't seem like the kinds of things that one would say on their death bed. It was a bit rambly - there we go. The prompt also didn't quite fit as smoothly as I would have liked. And the last thing I will mention: Why was she being teased about Kurt if she's married to Ian? When you're married, you usually don't mention a past crush...
Anyway, you did a good job, and like I said, you have tons of potential, so keep writing! Looking forward to seeing more from you. :)
~Syberia~
26Syberian QuestDefinitely a good job for your first story. :)
It was sweet, despite being a bit sad, and I think you have oodles of potential.
Some grammar errors that others pointed out I will not mention, but I caught a few more that I will.
"glance to the window." I'd say "towards" the window.
"strangely funny too." A comma for a pause would sound a bit better here, I believe.
"If you weren't a Lucian and I a Madrigal." I think a comma shoulder go after Lucian.
"bible" Always capitalized.
"what was that" The w in "what" should have been capitalized.
'in bible.' "In Bible"
As for the story itself, there were a few things that I'd mention. Some of Amy's wording in the letter was a bit awkward, , and some of the things that she said didn't seem like the kinds of things that one would say on their death bed. It was a bit rambly - there we go. The prompt also didn't quite fit as smoothly as I would have liked. And the last thing I will mention: Why was she being teased about Kurt if she's married to Ian? When you're married, you usually don't mention a past crush...
Anyway, you did a good job, and like I said, you have tons of potential, so keep writing! Looking forward to seeing more from you. :)
~Syberia~
5/24/2011 c1 13Kaye Nightshade
Hi there! :)
Alright, first the CC:
The woman sat up in her hospital bed, rubbing her eyes sleepily.
[Don't you think it's 'on' not 'in her hospital bed'? :/]
'I, on the other hand, know the truth. I am dying. Maybe I'll be dead by morning; if not then, than the next day.'
['than the next day' you mean, 'then'?]
"Leftovers need to be eaten. Think of the kids in Africa."
[Hmm: "Leftovers need to be eaten, think of the kids in Africa."]
"Hey." She said, smiling.
[It's supposed to be: "Hey," she said, smiling.]
"Hello, love." He responded, bringing a chair towards her bed. He cocked his head. "What was that?"
["Hello, love," he responded, bringing a chair towards her bed. He cocked his head, "What was that?" (or "what was that?")]
"What was what?" She responded innocently.
["What was, what?" she responded innocently.]
Alright, done with the CC. Next the comments. :)
Hmm, very nice for your first fic! :) (Better than mine! :P) Aside from some of your mistakes up there, this is very well-written. ;) You have oodles of potential! :D
I will see on your future writings. :)
~Kaye
13Kaye NightshadeHi there! :)
Alright, first the CC:
The woman sat up in her hospital bed, rubbing her eyes sleepily.
[Don't you think it's 'on' not 'in her hospital bed'? :/]
'I, on the other hand, know the truth. I am dying. Maybe I'll be dead by morning; if not then, than the next day.'
['than the next day' you mean, 'then'?]
"Leftovers need to be eaten. Think of the kids in Africa."
[Hmm: "Leftovers need to be eaten, think of the kids in Africa."]
"Hey." She said, smiling.
[It's supposed to be: "Hey," she said, smiling.]
"Hello, love." He responded, bringing a chair towards her bed. He cocked his head. "What was that?"
["Hello, love," he responded, bringing a chair towards her bed. He cocked his head, "What was that?" (or "what was that?")]
"What was what?" She responded innocently.
["What was, what?" she responded innocently.]
Alright, done with the CC. Next the comments. :)
Hmm, very nice for your first fic! :) (Better than mine! :P) Aside from some of your mistakes up there, this is very well-written. ;) You have oodles of potential! :D
I will see on your future writings. :)
~Kaye