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12/25/2011 c5 1chaosglory626
I got so many updates for Christmas, but I read this one right away while the others had to wait in line. I really like this story and can't wait to see what happens next, keep up the good work.
12/25/2011 c5 HolyKnight5
Hmm. . . Either there its a chance of Kiritsugu living a time more with the aid of TSAB Technomagical medicine, or he may ask Lindy for some help, on creating a last memento for Shirou, based from his knowledge and relics. . .
12/18/2011 c4 Guest
I'm hoping you haven't lost the will to write this fic. But, good job cliff hanger-ing me.
12/15/2011 c4 11Unlimited Blade Works
Sweet, this is great cna't wait for the next chapter.
12/8/2011 c1 Fire Lotus
THIS IS EPIC WRITE MORE!
12/6/2011 c4 3MegaRaziel
Sorry for bad english I am French.

Very good story, I have read all chapters the same day I discovered the fic. Your Sirou is awasome, I just hope he won't get the same side effect, with the Jewel Seed he got with Archer arme. I just wondered how Avalon could still be working does it not require Saber to be near Shirou normally? Anywais keep the good works.
12/1/2011 c4 1chaosglory626
Did that Jewel Seed just install Unlimited Blade Works into his head then manifest it! I'm starting to think that the Jewel Seeds are made with energies from The Second Magic Kaleidoscope. I thought I sensed some influences from the fic Magical Girl Nanoha 12? by Lost Star and when I checked your favorites I realized it wasn't a coincidence. That is a good thing as that is my favorite Nanoha fic and this story has its own merits that allow it to stand on its own as well. I hope you include your own version of a link between the three. I hope you continue this story and update soon as I look forward to seeing where it goes.
11/22/2011 c4 11chm01
is this his true awakening?
11/18/2011 c4 FateBurn
Great chapter, didn´t think that you´ll have Shirou absorb a Jewel Seed, and can´t wait to see how that little trip has afected Shirou or having the Jewel Seed will change thing, please continue soon.
11/18/2011 c3 FateBurn
Great to see Shirou finaly has acces to his Magical Circuits.
11/18/2011 c2 FateBurn
Good chapter, altough I was waiting to see Shirou talk to his father about his Magical circuits, and finaly learn that hes been doing it wrong.
11/18/2011 c1 FateBurn
Good start, and interesting crossover idea.
11/15/2011 c4 runewizarddd
You know, for some reason, I had the idea of Shirou getting Nanoha mad enough to hit him, and when she does, he turns into a girl.

Anyway, I hope you update soon, I would like to see what Precia makes of Shirou, and whether Shirou gets to go badass on her.
11/3/2011 c4 Dave Facto
It's a nice idea, and a clever execution having Shiro be nine years old. The trouble is that despite being the main character - or at least the narrative focus - he has more in common with a side, or supporting character, while Nanoha's in her element doing her thing. Hopefully, though, his kidnapping will transform him into an extra MacGuffin and either Nanoha (main character powers) or Kiritsugu (unlikely, but uh oh, Fate) will become the main focus. I like even more that Shiro's presence gives Yuuno a purpose beyond cheerleading.

Rather, my biggest concern is style. The plot and characters are under control and looking great, but the writing is all over the place. I see the present tense appearing out of nowhere, for some reason Nanoha used a random Japanese particle with no prompting, there's spontaneous first person narration, and you seem unreasonably stingy with pronouns: a quick word count reveals "the boy" appears about 350 times. Just use he/him etc. or Shiro and leave the Burly Detective Syndrome out. ("the girl" appears 390 times. I'd say for a 33k word count, that's an order of magnitude too high in both cases.)

Your writing's also a bit clunky in places. I strongly recommend you give it an extra pass (and indeed parse) to see if there's anything you can clean up. For example:

"For the first week, Shirou had been rather silent. Not really talking to anyone or making any attempt to make friends at all. But that seemed to change one day almost over night. The boy was suddenly all smiles and helping people in his class and then in the entire school. If a teacher needed help with a task then Shirou would be the first to volunteer. If a kid had broken a toy, Shirou would take it to someone that could fix it, or learn how to fix it himself. It seemed like wherever the boy was, there were never a lack of smiles. It was fascinating how quickly the boy had changed from his initial introduction, but something still bothered Nanoha about the boy. She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something off about him."

"For the first week, Shirou had been rather silent, not really talking to anyone or trying to make friends at all. But that seemed to change one day, almost overnight. He was suddenly all smiles, first helping people in his class and then in the entire school. If a teacher needed help with a task, Shirou would be the first to volunteer. If a kid had broken a toy, Shirou would take it to someone that could fix it, or learn how to fix it himself. It seemed like wherever he was, there were never a lack of smiles. It was fascinating how quickly he had changed from his initial introduction, but something still bothered Nanoha about Shirou. She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something off about him."

As a final criticism, those "Flashback"s in chapter four look incredibly silly. Rather banging on the fourth all to announce to the reader what's going on, why not gently integrate it into the narrative? For example:

"[Yuuno] had been really interested in his magic and they spent a lot of time discussing it. Though not all of those discussions had gone well.

Yuuno had looked up at [Shirou] and tried to wrap his mind around [what] he had just said. "Could you say that again? I think I misheard you."

Shirou had scratched his cheek as he wondered if he had said something wrong."

And so on. This is a bit of a rough-and-ready example where I just changed some of the verbs to the pluperfect. If I wasn't trying not to fill this review with huge quoted passages, I'd probably do something a bit more nuanced. As it stands, it's more a proof-of-concept but I'm sure you get the idea.

Anyway, it's comparatively little things like this that improve the flow and make the story much more pleasant to read. Beyond that, other than a few semantic and punctuation goofs, you're pretty much all right. Really, any decent proofreader would have picked those up.
11/1/2011 c4 Wordlurker
Well, that was one seriously horrific incarnation of Unlimited Blade Works. Talk about some serious OUCH.

This fic is quite a bit better than I expected it to be, I must admit.
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