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12/24/2014 c4 vorpalbutterfly
So far I agree with you, I like this chapter the best as well. Can't wait to read the rest!
9/7/2013 c5 Mitchell Diamond
nooooooooo. what is the new one called I NEED to know! x(
5/15/2013 c5 Guest
So you making her not raped/ really a guy/ new hot outfit? Cause I have a idea! Super short black skirt that shows her underwear a little thigh high socks with black flats and a black polo no bra
5/12/2012 c4 12Hiro Chiba
I'm sorry to say this, but this story needs to be heavily edited. You said in chapter five that you need to re-edit it. But, I suggest you have someone look it over. There is no plot and your story is scattered and your readers are confused. The paragraphs are way too long. You have many run-on sentences. You have incorrect grammar usage and typos in multiple areas. By the way, it's against the rules to keep too many typos and errors. Not trying to be mean or anything, but you need help. Unless your first language wasn't English, I'd be fine with that, but you really need to brush up on proper English grammar before you write something. There needs to be separation between dialogue.
12/25/2011 c5 1Raikoukin
Please message me when the new one is done yes?
7/17/2011 c5 Hugh-Jazzlol
Great story so far. I know this is your first time at writing fanfiction, so you can't be expected to be the most perfect writer ever. That is why I don't understand why some people are being far too critical of your story.

Anyway, there are a couple of things I'd like to point out, since you are re-writing your story. For instance, some of your paragraphs are too long. I noticed that you also make a couple of run-on sentences here and there. There are also a few grammatical errors, but that can be easily fixed. Also, when a person begins to speak, you should start a new paragraph. I notice that you do start a new paragraph sometimes. But, in the second chapter, there is this one long paragraph that I kept skipping lines, and there was dialogue within it. It became hard and confusing for me to read.

You explain details very well, and I do appreciated a very detailed story. Some writers don't even describe a thing, so I'm glad that you are not like them.

I hope that you do not make Jack the entire center of your story. You should make the entire cast of Rosario+Vampire as the center of your story, that way, your OC won't fall under the category of Mary Sue/Gary Stu. The Mary Sue/Gary Sue concept is that an OC is created to be god-like in every way, and to be the main character all of the time. Don't make Jack the hero of the story all the time, and don't make the characters pat her on the back as if she were so easily forgiven. I have seen this over and over, and it has just ruined those writers' stories who have done this.

I am wondering when the other characters are going to be introduced. When the others are introduced, you should put more of their personalities into their being. When I was reading about Mizore, and the way she spoke, it didn't really sound like her. Make her a little more shyer in the beginning, and as she gets to know Jack, make her show Jack her more up-front personality. Perhaps Jack and Tsukune could become best friends, since Jack is like a guy, and Tsukune needs guy friends, even though Jack isn't really a guy... So...

Anyway, I believe Jack should be a unique youkai. So, perhaps consider Jack's heritage, which I believe is German, and maybe search up some German monster legends. Perhaps a mystical elf, or a beouwolf.

Well, that's all the advice I can give you. I hope I'm not too late, since you have already begun on re-writting this story. I also hope that this was helpful for you. Can't wait for the new edition of "New Kid".
6/23/2011 c1 Facepalming Frank
Fire yokai, fire yokai, fire yokai, fire yokai. Ya damn parrot! Go jump off a cliff, or else you'll infect the rest of us with your stupidity.

The story does need re-written. There's plenty of online spelling and grammar checkers that can be used. Just google away for them. The paragraphs are too big as pointed out before. One conversation per paragraph is usually the norm. Otherwise it gets tough to read.

The Rosario characters are OOC. If you want to really sell us your story then try and intertwine them into the story in a believable way. Even toss in Tsukune as most due and paired up with Moka just to appease those that might be interested. That will cover all your bases and attract more people to your story.

You could even keep the harem as is, but yet not have Mizore completely part of the harem. It's a known fact that her biological clock is ticking and she needs to be popping out puppies real soon. I believe the age was 17, so an outright straight up yuri couple won't work. Work that angle with your OC, Mizore, Tsukune, and the other girls and watch the fun start.

You'll keep your OC into the mix of things, but not yet have her completely dominate your story which most dislike as the other characters will also be involved.

I dunno just some ideas I thought I'd toss your way after seeing some of the reviews.
6/22/2011 c5 zed
oh and max if you are reading this then shut the f..k up quit being a d..k and don,t read it then.
6/22/2011 c5 zed
don,t get me wrong your fanfic is good but if you are going to redo it please make jack a boy and a fire type yokai.

p.s if you still plan to make jack a girl then make her a fire yokai still.
6/22/2011 c4 Max
I was bored and thought what the hell and ran through all the chapters even though I detest yuri.

As to the story, well there is no story. Or rather no plot at all. It's just random little encounters that don't really amount to too much of anything that would make it a decent story to want to read again. Also we get it! Jack looks like a boy and talks like boy.

Where's the the other characters besides Mizore and Moka? Or you sticking to a female only cast and just ignoring Tsukune? As to the two canon characters Moka is extremely OOC. Well so is Mizore if you want to be technical about it. Jack is rigid and one dimensional. Some of the things just doesn't make sense at all pertaining to her character.

As for the writing, the grammar needs worked on badly. The big thing is those paragraph monsters. Kill them and chop them up into something readable. Always start a new paragraph when someone else speaks.

Well that's my fair assessment and I went pretty easy on you. I won't be back because, it seems to be a yuri cast only which don't fly with me at all, and not enough Rosario cast members involved. Plot wise if you want to call it one is nothing really special. It seems you just used the Academy as a plot device and completely forgot about it. I'm also pretty sure they don't have nightclubs there either.
6/22/2011 c1 Max
If your Uncle Jack was stuck on a roof would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Ugh, so this is a yuri pairing? I'll pass. Hard enough to sell an OC story, but really hard tossing in that as well.
6/20/2011 c3 DefectivexZombie
Moving along nicely, I assume you will reveal more of Jacks past in the future no?
6/19/2011 c2 1Ru3na
My favorite part will be when you strike lemon! lol
6/19/2011 c1 Ru3na
Ohhh exciting. Love the MC!
6/18/2011 c2 DefectivexZombie
Developed the characters a bit here I see, Very nice. A few spelling mistakes and flopped words but they are easy to step over no? XD Keep it up!
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