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9/5/2011 c10 1Trevor Philip
Hi there, this is Danellos from the EU WoW forums. Here is my review as promised. I can see that you are a novice, so I have given some advice to you in hopes that it will assist you with improving your abilities.

First of all, I am going to begin with some negatives. One of the things that has been prevalent to me as I had read through these few chapters is that your punctuation and grammar needs some improvement. At first, I honestly thought you were probably not natively English-speaking, that is, until I looked at your profile. I often had to re-read certain sentences and paragraphs to get an idea of what you were trying to tell me, the reader, of the current events in the story. I have ofttimes words either missing from your sentence structure, or words that were placed there unnecessarily.

If you want any specific grammar tips, feel free to drop me a PM and I will answer you as soon as I have time.

Another concern of mine is your characters. I find it difficult to tell which character is which because there is some lack of uniqueness in them. This might be because you are not developing your characters throughout the story. Working on your subplots might be a good place to start in this regard.

Now for some positives. I see that you do have a good idea here overall and it would be interesting to see how this story progresses. It seems to me that you do not lack in the ability to actually design a story, which is an essential skill for a writer.

Lastly, don't let anything anyone says bring you down. With a good deal of practice, I can assure you that your writing skills will improve. Writing certainly did not come to me naturally, and that I can guarantee, but I can tell you from experience that if you just keep on practicing, you will get better at what you do.

Good luck! Remember that none of us would have been writers without our first attempts.
7/5/2011 c6 11Kamagua
Let me start by saying, that the invitation was indeed flattering, not to mention your apparent motivation is inspiring. That aside, let me simply put that your work does need improvement.

The lack of punctuation sometimes forced me to a reread a sentence, or simply confused me. There was also a bit of redundancy in your words, which can lead to dull and awkward feelings - use word's thesaurus or buy one. Trust me. They are your best friends.

But those are grammar issues. Honestly, though grammar should always be in your mind to support the ease of your story and help flow, remember: there are editors for a reason. No matter how great you think your story is, that pesky editor has a fresh pen ready to violate your perfection. DISCLAIMER: For this site's purpose, TRY to make it "perfect."

My biggest concern is the lack of in-depth character development. How I think about it is, a great story lasts one lifetime. A great character lasts an eternity. Do not be afraid to develop a character. I have to say, Relk is a good start, but keep it going. Make us fall in love with ALL of them. Or make us hate them. Beat the emotion into us. If the character is secluded, let us know. If he is wild and crazy, make us laugh and cringe.

Lastly, remember that writing is an art. I know, our generation seems to have forgotten that. Except for Apple. Hooray I-Pad! Anyway, writing is in fact an art. Use it as such. Close your eyes and visually what your story. Imagine them seeing deathwing. Let us feel their fear. Let us feel the flames. Let flow your thoughts, hold nothing back. Make. Us. Read! Make us WANT to read.

Oh, and one last thing. As I read your story, I could not help but smile. For as I slid through each line, and observed each block of text, it reminded me of my earlier stories. Take that as you will - negative or positive.

Just know, we all started somewhere. Never stop improving. Never. A stagnant pond simply festers. while a flowing river reshapes the world. Yeah. My own Chinese proverbs, just for you!

Any who, keep going. Don't let anyone get you down. Take good criticism to heart and forget the haters. If you accomplish the latter, let me know. I want to know how.

With that, leave you. Write on!
7/3/2011 c6 1Belladelias
Well, first off, the hardest part of writing a story is the plot. The fact that you already have yours is great start! As others have said, the main thing is grammatical nad spelling errors which are easily fixed with a spellchecker in Word or even Firefox.

A littel bit more backstory on Parido nad Darudus' background and perhaps their fathater as well would be good, maybe in the form of a flashback or a dream, etc.

On the whole, very good so far and it's refreshingm to see a fanfic about Turalyon and Alleria as Blizzard seems to have forgotten about them (for now anyway, hopefully). :P

Keep at it! :D
7/3/2011 c6 20coincidencless
Very interesting concept, and it's true, the Sons of Lothar seemed to have been forgotten in-game(Or I'm missing something). So props on the original plot. There are some places where punctations marks are missing, such as commas. 'You're monuments in which statues have been made-", for instance, should be more like 'You have had statues made in your memory!'

The plot line is very nice, though one thing I would have liked you to expand on in Shattrath is the different races and their reactions. How would they react to seeing a broken Draenei? An arakkoa? Ethereal? How would paladins react to seeing a naaru?
6/30/2011 c4 8Nex-thanarak
Hey there.

First off let me say that I'm glad you're taking your writing seriously and reaching out to members of the fan fiction community for critiques. One of the most important things about writing is being determined to constantly improve. Serious reviewers can give you a lot of good advice and help you correct any mistakes. And while it's good to look for resources you can turn to for help improving, the most important thing is to just keep on writing.

To the story itself. Great beginning so far. As the elements of plot go you've got a strong motivation for the main characters, in the form of tragic death and the desire for retribution, and a lead into the adventure in the form of their quest.

I've always loved the thought of the heroes lost in the Draenor Expedition. In the World of Warcraft Expansion "Burning Crusade" they explain a bit of what happened to these heroes, but I always thought they left a lot of things unexplained. It's a great story to explore and it'll draw the interest of any fan who's also wondered the fate of those heroes.

There's definite room for improvement in the writing, but that's something that can be said for any writer and this is a great place to do just that.

Something that's really helped me is a combination of the word processor auto spell checker (red lines under a word if it's misspelled), combined with having Google or another search engine open ready to look up misspelled words and see their correct spelling. The English language has an ungodly huge number of words, and nobody knows them all :). Having resources like the spell checker and search engine can help a lot with that, although it doesn't do everything (like correctly spelled but commonly misplaced words like their, there, and they're). Like with anything else, experience and keeping your eyes open while reading can help you learn the rules of writing, and when (or if) those rules can be nudged or outright broken.

Best of luck with your continued writing, and looking forward to the next chapter.
6/29/2011 c1 1SnowyOne
Let me say this first. You are a good writer and I can see that in your work. Some grammar issues aside (hero's should be heroes and such), your grammar is good and easily readable. The 'prologue' seems a bit... well... When I first started to read I was confused as I saw that it was just two lines. I expected something more. Maybe flesh it out and/or add in some details? If not, combine it with another chapter?

As for the story itself, you have potential with your plot. There are only two short chapters, so it's not like I can compare it to the Lord of the Rings or something. I will be looking forwards to future chapters though. However, your characters need some explanation and fleshing out. I do not know much about them other than the fact that they are both paladins and both wanting to kill Deathwing for killing their mother. Varian seems... far too willing to accept that their task is possible and the only way to defeat Deathwing. Not to mention that they reached him too easily. In-game, this makes sense (having to go through loads of guards would be a pain for turn-ins), but in-fanfiction, it needs explaining. Who was his father? Why does he matter? What separates him from any other paladin?

You have the skill. Pay attention to details and you can make this a great story!
6/24/2011 c3 3Hadles
Hello. I'm very flattered that you asked me to review your story. Well, you asked for it, so here it comes!

Your fanfic is fairly decent. It's readable. Your dialogue is all right too. It can be a little difficult to write decent dialogue, so you're doing pretty well in that department. However, it could be better. I would advise you, for future chapters, to reread what you write and check for spelling and grammar errors. I caught a few. Try reading it aloud to catch mistakes. If it doesn't sound right, it probably isn't. :)

I found it a little stranger how Darudus and Parido called each other 'brother' and 'young brother'. That's very, very formal. It makes me think they don't have a close relationship. Dialogue is part of characterization. If you're trying to present two brothers with a close relationship, it would be good to have them act more informally around each other. Using nicknames is a good way to show that they're friends. Also, I would watch where you drop description. Descriptions can sometimes slow down the flow of the narrative. You also don't need to add in precise details like the brothers' height. You can just say "tall" or "medium height" and the reader will fill in the rest mentally. Having numbers in there slows the narrative down.

You're off to a good start. :) There are some good bits in here and some bits that could be improved. Keep working! :D
6/24/2011 c3 5Micula
Interesting start. Intrigued to see what's about to happen
6/23/2011 c2 11Azure Ryukiba
Intresting so far, I never got to read all the lore behind Deathwing(Don't know much lorewise anyway @_@). All that I can catch are punctiuation marks that are missing. Probaly some gramatical errors here and there, but I suck at that so I can't say much heh. Be watching for an update!

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