for A Cure7/6/2011 c2 DualKatanas
Well, good to see a longer chapter, even if it is still too short... though, in the first paragraph: 'the ebony hair along her course hands' In this case, they should be 'coarse', though after reading this chapter, coarse hands don't seem to suit this elf that much. That said, we don't know her that well yet...
So I see that it's set during Oblivion, and she's the Hero of Kvatch... interesting, given that I assumed after reading the summary that something different would be happening. That said, there's nothing wrong with this, either.
Dunmer are not immune to flame; they simply resist it a lot. They don't burn easily, but they DO burn. That said, if this is standard Cyrodilic vampirism, she won't be taking sun damage yet due to only being at Stage 1 Vampirism. Not sure how I'd write a vampire if I ever got around to it, though, so the choice is yours.
If this bandit is so convinced she's a vampie, then WHY didn't he bury his steel in her when he got the chance? Better to be sure, and I'm pretty sure bandits wouldn't hesitate to desecrate a corpse, or at least what they think is one. Also, I don't think the race of this bloke is ever stated...
Putting all her strength into the throw would cause accuracy to suffer, so I doubt she'd have hit a target that precise... but she IS a vampire now, I guess, with heightened abilities and senses.
Yes, indeed, what IS she going to do? It'll be interesting to find out, at least, though we're STILL lacking in description on her. Sort that out next chapter, because we need to be able to visualise this Dunmer. In any case, keep it up.
Well, good to see a longer chapter, even if it is still too short... though, in the first paragraph: 'the ebony hair along her course hands' In this case, they should be 'coarse', though after reading this chapter, coarse hands don't seem to suit this elf that much. That said, we don't know her that well yet...
So I see that it's set during Oblivion, and she's the Hero of Kvatch... interesting, given that I assumed after reading the summary that something different would be happening. That said, there's nothing wrong with this, either.
Dunmer are not immune to flame; they simply resist it a lot. They don't burn easily, but they DO burn. That said, if this is standard Cyrodilic vampirism, she won't be taking sun damage yet due to only being at Stage 1 Vampirism. Not sure how I'd write a vampire if I ever got around to it, though, so the choice is yours.
If this bandit is so convinced she's a vampie, then WHY didn't he bury his steel in her when he got the chance? Better to be sure, and I'm pretty sure bandits wouldn't hesitate to desecrate a corpse, or at least what they think is one. Also, I don't think the race of this bloke is ever stated...
Putting all her strength into the throw would cause accuracy to suffer, so I doubt she'd have hit a target that precise... but she IS a vampire now, I guess, with heightened abilities and senses.
Yes, indeed, what IS she going to do? It'll be interesting to find out, at least, though we're STILL lacking in description on her. Sort that out next chapter, because we need to be able to visualise this Dunmer. In any case, keep it up.
7/6/2011 c2 
7MortalKombatProdigy99
The spelling/grammar has gotten much better! I noticed that your writing seemed more descriptive, and it's better than the last chapter, IMO. What I'd like to see is more information about Isa. Keep writing, I'd be happy to see more!
7MortalKombatProdigy99The spelling/grammar has gotten much better! I noticed that your writing seemed more descriptive, and it's better than the last chapter, IMO. What I'd like to see is more information about Isa. Keep writing, I'd be happy to see more!
7/6/2011 c1 DualKatanas
Reading the summary, this didn't appear to be the type of thing I'd normally read, but I clicked it it anyway. And then I read it. So now, the review:
It's too short. All right, I'm not one to talk, with a 1600 word first chapter in comparison to my later 10k+ chapters, but this really is too short; there's too little description, which would have bulked it out a lot. We don't know anything about this 'Isa' person; not her physical features, height, build, equipment, not even her RACE.
Vampirism doesn't infect that quickly, not from a simple bite. It takes three days, not a few seconds. There is a way of transferring the disease quickly, but it doesn't involve biting, and even that takes more than a few seconds, I think.
It does have redeeming points: the dialogue is good, as is the spelling and grammar, which is good to see. However, I DO hope we'll learn more of the plot behind this, because at the moment we have no idea when this is set, where they are right now, and what's been going on. And we need to know that.
Overall, you'll need to improve a lot - particularly in description and plot - but due to the shortness of this there's not a lot more I can say right now. As for whether you should continue it... yes, do so. With improvement, this could interest me.
Reading the summary, this didn't appear to be the type of thing I'd normally read, but I clicked it it anyway. And then I read it. So now, the review:
It's too short. All right, I'm not one to talk, with a 1600 word first chapter in comparison to my later 10k+ chapters, but this really is too short; there's too little description, which would have bulked it out a lot. We don't know anything about this 'Isa' person; not her physical features, height, build, equipment, not even her RACE.
Vampirism doesn't infect that quickly, not from a simple bite. It takes three days, not a few seconds. There is a way of transferring the disease quickly, but it doesn't involve biting, and even that takes more than a few seconds, I think.
It does have redeeming points: the dialogue is good, as is the spelling and grammar, which is good to see. However, I DO hope we'll learn more of the plot behind this, because at the moment we have no idea when this is set, where they are right now, and what's been going on. And we need to know that.
Overall, you'll need to improve a lot - particularly in description and plot - but due to the shortness of this there's not a lot more I can say right now. As for whether you should continue it... yes, do so. With improvement, this could interest me.
7/5/2011 c1 MortalKombatProdigy99
Nice first chapter, especially considering it's a first fic. I'm intrigued. :) I like the chapter set-up. As far as inconsistencies and spelling/grammar mistakes go:
*Line 3: Cyrodiil is misspelled as Cyrodil.
*Line 9: You referred to the character Isa as "Belle."
*Line 12: Instead of saying "Isa's," you said "Isa'a."
**The line numbering is based on how it appears on the website, and not your document, so keep that in mind.
Other than that, I didn't notice anything. Being a little bit more descriptive would in my opinion help your writing. This isn't the best I've seen, but it's good and has potential. Keep writing! :)
Oh, and BTW, I recommend you capitalize the "C" in your title, and fix the spelling of Cyrodiil in your summary because when I read the title, it made me doubt whether it was going to be a good story or not, but I discovered that it was good when reading it.
I'm being kind of picky, especially considering this is your first story, but i've often found that a little will go a long way. x) GL to you in your future stories!
Nice first chapter, especially considering it's a first fic. I'm intrigued. :) I like the chapter set-up. As far as inconsistencies and spelling/grammar mistakes go:
*Line 3: Cyrodiil is misspelled as Cyrodil.
*Line 9: You referred to the character Isa as "Belle."
*Line 12: Instead of saying "Isa's," you said "Isa'a."
**The line numbering is based on how it appears on the website, and not your document, so keep that in mind.
Other than that, I didn't notice anything. Being a little bit more descriptive would in my opinion help your writing. This isn't the best I've seen, but it's good and has potential. Keep writing! :)
Oh, and BTW, I recommend you capitalize the "C" in your title, and fix the spelling of Cyrodiil in your summary because when I read the title, it made me doubt whether it was going to be a good story or not, but I discovered that it was good when reading it.
I'm being kind of picky, especially considering this is your first story, but i've often found that a little will go a long way. x) GL to you in your future stories!